Eight Simple Anger Management Tips
“The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”
One of the biggest obstacles to personal and career success is anger. When we fail to control our anger, we suffer several blows:
Anger impedes our ability to be happy, because anger and happiness are incompatible.
Anger sends marriages and other family relationships off-course.
Anger means lost business, because it destroys relationships.
Anger also means losing business that you could have won in a more gracious mood.
Anger leads to increased stress (ironic, since stress often increases anger).
We make mistakes when we are angry, because anger makes it harder to process information.
People are beginning to wake up to the dangers of anger and the need for anger management programs and strategies. Many people find anger easy to control. Yes, they do get angry. Everybody does. But some people find anger easier to manage than others. More people need to develop anger management skills.
For those who have a tough time controlling their anger, an anger management plan might help. Think of this as your emotional control class, and try these self-help anger management tips:
Ask yourself this question: “Will the object of my anger matter ten years from now?” Chances are, you will see things from a calmer perspective.
Ask yourself: “What is the worst consequence of the object of my anger?” If someone cut in front of you at the book store check-out, you will probably find that three minutes is not such a big deal.
Imagine yourself doing the same thing. Come on, admit that you sometimes cut in front of another driver, too … sometimes by accident. Do you get angry at yourself?
Ask yourself this question: “Did that person do this to me on purpose?” In many cases, you will see that they were just careless or in a rush, and really did not mean you any harm.
Try counting to ten before saying anything. This may not address the anger directly, but it can minimize the damage you will do while angry.
Try some “new and improved” variations of counting to ten. For instance, try counting to ten with a deep slow breathe in between each number. Deep breathing — from your diaphragm — helps people relax.
Or try pacing your numbers as you count. The old “one-steamboat-two-steamboat, etc.” trick seems kind of lame to me. Steamboats are not the best devices to reduce your steam. How about “One-chocolate-ice-cream-two-chocolate-ice-cream”, or use something else that you find either pleasant or humorous.
Visualize a relaxing experience. Close your eyes, and travel there in your mind. Make it your stress-free oasis.
One thing I do not recommend is “venting” your anger. Sure, a couple swift blows to your pillow might make you feel better (better, at least, than the same blows to the door!), but research shows that “venting” anger only increases it. In fact, speaking or acting with any emotion simply rehearses, practices and builds that emotion.
If these tips do not help at all and you still feel you cannot manage your anger and the related stress, you may need some professional help, either in the form of a therapist specializing in anger management or a coach with a strong background in psychology.
Elizabeth, 32, cried during anger management class as she told how one year ago – her 19-month-old girl was permanently brain-damaged as the result of a medical error at the hospital in which she was delivered.
Elizabeth had a legitimate grievance toward the hospital and medical staff, and felt that she could never forgive them for
what she saw as their incompetence. She clearly was not yet ready to forgive. She felt she needed her simmering anger to
motivate her to do what she felt she needed to do legally and otherwise to deal with this horrific situation.
Yet, at some point in the future – when she is ready – Elizabeth might decide to find a way to forgive. To be able to do this, she will have to take the step of separating two things in her mind: (1) blaming the hospital for what they did and (2) blaming them for her resulting feelings about the situation.
Reasons to forgive
Elizabeth cannot change what was done to her daughter, but she can change how she lives the rest of her life. If she continues to hold an intense grievance, she is giving what happened in the past the power to determine her present emotional well being. Until she forgives, Elizabeth will be victimized over and over again, trapped in an emotional prison.
Should you forgive?
The answer to this question always comes down to personal choices and decisions. Some people in our anger management classes feel that certain things cannot and shouldn’t be forgiven; others feel that ultimately anything can be forgiven.
As an example of what is possible, the staff of the Stanford Forgiveness Project successfully worked with Protestant and
Catholic families of Northern Ireland whose children had been killed by each other. Using the techniques taught by the Stanford group, these grieving parents were able to forgive and get on with their lives.
On the other hand, Dr. Abrams-Spring, author of the classic `”After the Affair,” cautions that quickly and easily forgiving a
cheating partner indicates low self-esteem. In her view, forgiveness must be earned by the offending partner, but given
automatically.
Reasons to forgive
Studies have shown that there are measurable benefits to forgiveness:
- Forgiving is good for your health. Studies show that people who forgive report fewer health problems while people who blame
others for their troubles have a higher incidence of illness such as cardiovascular disease and cancers.
- Forgiving is good for your peace of mind. Scientific research shows that forgiveness often improves your peace of mind. A
1996 study showed that the more people forgave those who hurt them, the less angry they were.
- Two studies of divorced people show that those who forgave their former spouse were healthier emotionally than those who
chose not to forgive. The forgivers had a higher sense of well being and lower anxiety and depression.
Forgiveness tips
It is common for angry people to think, “I want to forgive, and I know I should, but I don’t know how.” Here are some starting points:
Tip 1: Remember, forgiveness is a process that takes time and patience to complete. You must be ready. Realize that forgiveness is for you – not for anyone else.
Tip 2: Realize that forgiving does not mean you are condoning the actions of the offender or what they did to you. It does mean that you will blame less and find a way to think differently about what happened to you.
Tip 3: Refocus on the positives in your life. A life well lived is the best revenge. People who find a way to see love, beauty and kindness around them are better able to forgive and get past their grievances.
“The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”
One of the biggest obstacles to personal and career success is anger. When we fail to control our anger, we suffer several blows:
Anger impedes our ability to be happy, because anger and happiness are incompatible.
Anger sends marriages and other family relationships off-course.
Anger means lost business, because it destroys relationships.
Anger also means losing business that you could have won in a more gracious mood.
Anger leads to increased stress (ironic, since stress often increases anger).
We make mistakes when we are angry, because anger makes it harder to process information.
People are beginning to wake up to the dangers of anger and the need for anger management programs and strategies. Many people find anger easy to control. Yes, they do get angry. Everybody does. But some people find anger easier to manage than others. More people need to develop anger management skills.
For those who have a tough time controlling their anger, an anger management plan might help. Think of this as your emotional control class, and try these self-help anger management tips:
Ask yourself this question: “Will the object of my anger matter ten years from now?” Chances are, you will see things from a calmer perspective.
Ask yourself: “What is the worst consequence of the object of my anger?” If someone cut in front of you at the book store check-out, you will probably find that three minutes is not such a big deal.
Imagine yourself doing the same thing. Come on, admit that you sometimes cut in front of another driver, too … sometimes by accident. Do you get angry at yourself?
Ask yourself this question: “Did that person do this to me on purpose?” In many cases, you will see that they were just careless or in a rush, and really did not mean you any harm.
Try counting to ten before saying anything. This may not address the anger directly, but it can minimize the damage you will do while angry.
Try some “new and improved” variations of counting to ten. For instance, try counting to ten with a deep slow breathe in between each number. Deep breathing — from your diaphragm — helps people relax.
Or try pacing your numbers as you count. The old “one-steamboat-two-steamboat, etc.” trick seems kind of lame to me. Steamboats are not the best devices to reduce your steam. How about “One-chocolate-ice-cream-two-chocolate-ice-cream”, or use something else that you find either pleasant or humorous.
Visualize a relaxing experience. Close your eyes, and travel there in your mind. Make it your stress-free oasis.
One thing I do not recommend is “venting” your anger. Sure, a couple swift blows to your pillow might make you feel better (better, at least, than the same blows to the door!), but research shows that “venting” anger only increases it. In fact, speaking or acting with any emotion simply rehearses, practices and builds that emotion.
If these tips do not help at all and you still feel you cannot manage your anger and the related stress, you may need some professional help, either in the form of a therapist specializing in anger management or a coach with a strong background in psychology.
NEXT ARTICLE
Three Tips for Forgiveness: A Key Factor in Anger Management
Elizabeth had a legitimate grievance toward the hospital and medical staff, and felt that she could never forgive them for
what she saw as their incompetence. She clearly was not yet ready to forgive. She felt she needed her simmering anger to
motivate her to do what she felt she needed to do legally and otherwise to deal with this horrific situation.
Yet, at some point in the future – when she is ready – Elizabeth might decide to find a way to forgive. To be able to do this, she will have to take the step of separating two things in her mind: (1) blaming the hospital for what they did and (2) blaming them for her resulting feelings about the situation.
Reasons to forgive
Elizabeth cannot change what was done to her daughter, but she can change how she lives the rest of her life. If she continues to hold an intense grievance, she is giving what happened in the past the power to determine her present emotional well being. Until she forgives, Elizabeth will be victimized over and over again, trapped in an emotional prison.
Should you forgive?
The answer to this question always comes down to personal choices and decisions. Some people in our anger management classes feel that certain things cannot and shouldn’t be forgiven; others feel that ultimately anything can be forgiven.
As an example of what is possible, the staff of the Stanford Forgiveness Project successfully worked with Protestant and
Catholic families of Northern Ireland whose children had been killed by each other. Using the techniques taught by the Stanford group, these grieving parents were able to forgive and get on with their lives.
On the other hand, Dr. Abrams-Spring, author of the classic `”After the Affair,” cautions that quickly and easily forgiving a
cheating partner indicates low self-esteem. In her view, forgiveness must be earned by the offending partner, but given
automatically.
Reasons to forgive
Studies have shown that there are measurable benefits to forgiveness:
- Forgiving is good for your health. Studies show that people who forgive report fewer health problems while people who blame
others for their troubles have a higher incidence of illness such as cardiovascular disease and cancers.
- Forgiving is good for your peace of mind. Scientific research shows that forgiveness often improves your peace of mind. A
1996 study showed that the more people forgave those who hurt them, the less angry they were.
- Two studies of divorced people show that those who forgave their former spouse were healthier emotionally than those who
chose not to forgive. The forgivers had a higher sense of well being and lower anxiety and depression.
Forgiveness tips
It is common for angry people to think, “I want to forgive, and I know I should, but I don’t know how.” Here are some starting points:
Tip 1: Remember, forgiveness is a process that takes time and patience to complete. You must be ready. Realize that forgiveness is for you – not for anyone else.
Tip 2: Realize that forgiving does not mean you are condoning the actions of the offender or what they did to you. It does mean that you will blame less and find a way to think differently about what happened to you.
Tip 3: Refocus on the positives in your life. A life well lived is the best revenge. People who find a way to see love, beauty and kindness around them are better able to forgive and get past their grievances.