SEPARATION AND DIVORCE: The TOP 12 MISTAKES a WOMAN SHOULD AVOID when it comes to DIVORCE PLANNING.
If you think divorce is the only option…read on!
Going through the Pain Barrier
Nobody likes pain but its there for a purpose. I am a long time supporter of The Leprosy Mission and one of the things that I’ve discovered about leprosy is that its not normally the disease that results in a persons fingers or toes falling off, it’s the fact that the disease of leprosy stops a person being able to feel pain and so they will unconsciously burn themselves badly and not feel it. The nerve endings have been damaged and so they cannot feel pain at all and the results, more often than not, are the hideous deformities that we now associate with a leper. A leper would love to feel pain because they know that pain is given to us to warn our bodies that something is wrong that needs put right, if possible. Pain is not always a bad thing.
I run marathons. Do you think I feel pain when I run a marathon? You bet I do! A marathon is one of the supreme tests of endurance that average people can undertake. During the run your body uses up all its stores of carbohydrates and other necessary body fuels and then begins to feed off itself – it turns cannibal, if you like. This is painful. As well as that, it is not uncommon to pull a muscle, develop a blister, get a stitch, hurt your joints or any other number of painful ailments. Your body is telling you to stop, this is damaging to it! In this context, pain is your body’s natural way to tell you that you are overdoing it – and of course you are. However, all of us can ‘overdo it’ for a lot longer than we think is possible initially. We can learn to acknowledge the pain and, whilst taking steps to minimise it, we can still run on and on. Mind over matter if you like.
One of the great acts of heroism I ever witnessed was during an Olympic marathon when the Tanzanian representative fell during the race badly injuring himself. He got up and struggled on in obvious pain whilst all the other runners disappeared up the road in front of him. It was demoralising for him but he refused to give up. He struggled on and entered the stadium with only a few people still left in the stands to cheer him home. He finished the race with blood pouring from his leg wound just as they were taking down the finishing line and a television reporter asked why he hadn’t just given up after falling so badly. His response was brilliant. He replied, “My country did not send me here to start a race. They sent me to finish a race!” Too many of us start the race but are not so committed to finishing.
I am firmly convinced that if a couple acknowledge to each other that there will be times of pain then they will be better able to cope with it for a period when it happens. In the western world, we have been brought up with this strange belief that we should never suffer and so, when we inevitably do hit times of suffering, we have not prepared ourselves to handle it properly. I have a friend who lectures on philosophy in universities in many third world countries. He says that one question he is never asked in third world countries is, “Why does God allow suffering?” The reason for this is that suffering is just such a normal part of their lives that they cannot imagine that anyone doesn’t suffer. In fact it’s the suffering that makes them into the people they are. Can you accept that suffering makes you a better person?
Here are five things we can do when we feel pain in our relationship:-
1. We need to acknowledge that there is pain and try to isolate what is causing it.
As we have said already in regard to the lepers, pain has a purpose. It tells us that something is not right. When we feel pain in our relationship we need to stop and analyse why we are feeling that particular pain. When I was an accountant and had a bit more money at my disposal, one of the things I would do when I felt some pain in my marriage was to throw a bit of money at it. We’d take a holiday, go for a nice meal, buy some new clothes, get our hair done up (well at least my wife would do this). Now, if you’ve got the resources, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with any of these things but we need to be aware that by distracting our minds for a little while from the cause of the pain it doesn’t make the pain go away long term. It only puts a plaster over a wound that needs treatment. However, all we were doing by throwing money at our problems was delaying the inevitable and sooner or later we would have a big argument.
It’s a bit like developing a toothache. Sure, you can dull the pain by putting some painkilling drug on your gum but if the cause of the pain is not dealt with, we know that it will flare up again, and next time even more painfully. Indeed if we kept on ignoring the pain then it might result in a tooth being removed. What started out as a simple toothache resulted in surgery. Not good.
In marriage there are a number of ways of figuring out what is causing the pain. Most of them common sense. You could try just talking to each other. Now there’s a novel suggestion! You could try doing the simple exercises in chapter 2 of this book and then discussing the results. You could talk to a professional counsellor who is trained to get to the bottom of painful issues. Whatever you decide to do it is crucial that you do something and do not ignore your pain. Once again the keyword is action.
2. The second thing we can try when pain rears its probing head is something that might seem very obvious but it is worth stating again just in case you miss it. Make sure that the pain you feel is associated with your marriage and not something else, like your job or even your children. So often we can be under pressure at our work and then come home and take it out on our partner. This is called displacing the pain. One of the things that I had to learn to do was to actually say to my wife, when I came home after a particularly hard day at work, that I was feeling stressed and tired. At first it felt like a confession of weakness and it wasn’t easy for me to admit that sometimes I wasn’t coping as well as I’d like to pretend. When I admitted as much to my wife, almost every time she was able to understand and take a bit more of the household pressure for a short time.
On other occasions the pressure was in the other direction and after a hard day of dealing with young children my wife would sometimes take out her frustrations on me. If I failed to recognise that this was happening the result could easily be a full-blown argument over pain that had been displaced. It is very important to be able to admit to feeling under pressure and to ask for some help from your spouse. If you don’t, the pain you feel elsewhere will automatically come out in your marriage.
3. The third thing to fix in your mind and believe is that pain is not a signal that your marriage is over.
When I’m running a marathon I need to keep reminding myself that pain is a totally natural for this event and expected part of the race. I do not give up at the first twinge or even at quite severe pain. I battle through it. Of course, I have to put up with some pain if I want to finish the race. One thing that drives me nuts these days is when I read a report in a newspaper of the latest celebratory couple who have split up citing ‘irreconcilable differences’ as the cause. What they are really saying is that they encountered a wee bit pain and so just gave up! Usually they live such a pampered lifestyle that any sort of pain is just not acceptable and so they walk away (to repeat the exercise with someone else). Do not succumb to this modern malaise. If you never learn how to put up with a bit of pain, every relationship you enter into will head down the same path. If you don’t believe me, just check out the marriages in Hollywood. Don’t become a quitter. Pain is not the end – it’s a sign that something needs to be done. In fact, it can be a beginning if you let it.
4. Stop focusing on the pain.
Whatever you focus on will begin to define who you are. If all you can see are the bad things in your marriage it won’t be long until your marriage accurately reflects your focus. In a marathon, if I keep thinking about how painful it is, there is a big temptation to give up. So what I do is to try and focus on more pleasant things such as the scenery, the joy of running, the anticipation of finishing, other runners (especially those who dress up in stupid outfits), anything to divert my attention from the pain for a little while. It’s amazing how often the pain is actually more mental than physical. I believe that the same thing can be achieved in marriage. Instead of focusing on the toothpaste lid or the toilet seat (to quote just two clichés) why not focus on your partner’s great sense of humour or their willingness to always switch off the lights or any of a hundred other endearing qualities? It’s amazing how trivial the irritations become when you remove them from the centre of your focus.
Try this simple exercise. Take a very small coin and hold it arms length between your finger and thumb. Does it block out much of the view behind it? No, obviously it doesn’t. Now bring the coin up closer and closer to your eye and close the other eye. What happens? It blocks your view almost completely, doesn’t it? It’s only a small coin but it can completely obliterate your view if you let it. Often the same thing happens in marriage. You can forget all the tremendous blessings you have together and focus on the one tiny fault until it takes over and dominates your thinking. Don’t allow it to do so. Now, what you’ve just read might sound like a contradiction to point 1 but its not. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting here that you bury your head in the sand regarding pain in your marriage but what I am saying is to make sure that the thing you think is causing you pain is actually as bad as you are making out. Have you just become so used to whining about something that it has come to dominate your thinking unnecessarily? Don’t let a small pain obliterate your view of a great marriage.
5. Share the Pain
Can I just remind you of something? You are married. It’s okay to share the hard things with your spouse. Remember the vows that you took? “For better and for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.” Perhaps you’ve always felt that you had to be strong and support your spouse and so when you feel pain what do you do? Pretend it’s not sore? Tell him/her that you can cope? Why don’t you just admit that you’re finding something tough and ask for their support? It might be the very thing that draws you together. Share , share, share.
As I draw to the end of this chapter I want to leave you with an amusing story.
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there’s couple who have been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. “That poor old couple.” As the old man began eating his French fries, a young man stood up and walked to the old couples’ table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything and, anyway, their appetites were not what they used to be.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn’t eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked one last time if he could buy them one more meal.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?” She answered, ………… “The teeth!”
Aaaagghhh! Yes I know it’s disgusting, but its probably not a true story and anyway it does illustrate the principle of sharing in a way that you will not forget. Will you?
Back to pain. As I said in the opening sentence, nobody enjoys pain. However, if you can just acknowledge what it is trying to tell you, but not allow it to knock you off track, then your marriage will survive and grow.
Divorce Without A Lawyer
Divorce can sometimes be the best last option in a bad marriage. However, getting a divorce is not an easy task. The procedure usually involves a lot of legal complexities relating to the custody of children, property, alimony, child support and other such issues. Letting a divorce lawyer deal with all such messy issues would be the best choice for either party.
Although many cheap divorce methods are available, the very best would still be the kind that both partners can do among themselves without involving an outsider. Letting a lawyer in would be somewhat a burden, particularly when the case drags for a long time causing emotional turmoil for either parties, all the while being heavy on the pockets.
There is now available a method to deal with a divorce without a lawyer or an attorney. Known as the Pro Se divorce, or more popularly as the do it yourself divorce, it entitles both the parties filing the divorce papers themselves. However, Pro Se divorce can be filed only under certain conditions and might not be the best option for many.
The first criterion to file a Pro Se divorce is that the divorce is uncontested by either parties, either with respect to children or property. Also, the children, if any are involved, must all be of legal age and so must not be brought into the case. Any kind investment such as deposits, stock, retirement or pension options must not be present for either party. Alimony is not dealt with in case of do it yourself divorce and so the parties must definitely hire a lawyer for the same.
It is compulsory that both the parties file for the Pro Se divorce, instead of one opting for a lawyer and the other going in for the do it yourself divorce. Also, those in military cannot file through this method while in service. A lawyer is compulsory for such military divorce cases. History of physical or mental abuse on either partner by the other, debt, bankruptcy etc., are other conditions that must not be present while filing for a Pro se divorce case. It is also a condition that both the parties are financially well off after the divorce and would not need any kind of support from the other, such as alimony.
Pro Se divorces, as mentioned, involve a lot of legalities that both the partners must consider before opting for this method of divorce. However, one major advantage with this kind of divorce is that it saves a lot of money in form of lawyer fee. But one disadvantage would be that the clients would need to represent themselves in the court with no legal help from a lawyer. Getting the initial paperwork reviewed by an experienced lawyer would be a good choice before filing the papers. This would ensure that all the requisite documents are being provided and getting a separation is only a matter of time even with individual representation in the court without the assistance of a lawyer. The list of documents to be submitted is available on the Internet on websites that help with Pro Se divorces and are relatively easy to locate.
Divorce, Self Sabotage And The Fear of Intimacy
Free Divorce Lawyers
Divorce can sometimes be the best last option in a bad marriage. However, getting a divorce is not an easy task. The procedure usually involves a lot of legal complexities relating to the custody of children, property, alimony, child support and other such issues. Letting a divorce lawyer deal with all such messy issues would be the best choice for either party.
Divorce lawyers are usually those lawyers that deal with the family law. They are specialized in all areas of family matters and can provide sound legal counsel when approached for the same. It is usual as well as safer for both the parties to use different divorce lawyers to deal with the proceedings and individual matters of both the parties separately. The divorce lawyers will provide excellent advice relating to the divorce proceedings and also other matters that might crop up later on after the divorce.
Checking through the yellow pages would also produce quite a list of all the lawyers practicing family law. However, getting a lawyer for free is another matter. Even the ones on the Internet tend to charge a nominal fee for the advice provided. Even with the Pro Se or the do it yourself divorces that usually do not require a lawyer, some charges would be applicable if a lawyer gets involved in the proceedings.
One sure way of getting free lawyers advice is through the talk shows on TV and radios. However, it’s only for those who are able to get connected to the speaker or the guest in the talk show. Also, very less time would be allotted for asking the questions and getting them clarified to ones satisfaction.
Although it might be a difficult task to find free lawyers practicing family law, the other option is to file the papers without the assistance of a lawyer. This way both the parties can represent themselves in the court all by themselves without an attorney assisting them. This would ensure no money goes to the lawyer and is practically a free divorce except for the forms that are available online on the Internet at nominal prices presently. It is, however, suggested to get the initial paperwork reviewed by an experienced lawyer would be a good choice before filing the papers. This would ensure that all the requisite documents are being provided and getting a separation is only a matter of time even with individual representation in the court without the assistance of a lawyer. The list of documents to be submitted is available on the Internet on websites that help with Pro Se divorces and are relatively easy to locate.
Divorce Lawyers
Divorce can sometimes be the best option for a bad marriage. However, getting a divorce is not an easy task. The procedure usually involves a lot of legal complexities relating to the custody of children, property, alimony, child support, and other such issues. Letting a divorce lawyer deal with all of the messy issues is often the best choice for either party.
Divorce lawyers are usually lawyers that deal with family law. They are specialized in all areas of family matters and can provide sound legal counsel. It is usual, as well as safer, for both parties to use different divorce lawyers to deal with the proceedings. The divorce lawyer should provide excellent advice relating to the divorce proceedings, and also other matters that might surface later on.
Checking through the yellow pages will produce quite a list of all the lawyers practicing family law. However, the best kinds of divorce lawyers are most often known by word of mouth. Browsing through the Internet is another option to look for a good divorce lawyer. Many websites help their customers locate a good practicing family lawyer in a specific geographic area. Of course, locating a divorce lawyer through the state bar association is always an available method to those looking for accredited lawyers working for the government.
The first meeting with a divorce lawyer is the most important. It is very important to check for the lawyer’s credentials and experience in family law cases before signing an agreement. Checking the references provided by a lawyer is a good step toward verifying his success rate. Since all the lawyers that are members of AAML or the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers are highly experienced, getting one that is a member is an added bonus.
The lawyer you select should be able to provide all the legal help that will be involved in the divorce proceedings. The current number of cases that are being handled by the lawyer will also matter. Lawyers who are bogged down with work usually do not provide enough individual attention. Your lawyer must be able to be contacted at all times, either in person, or by phone.
Another important thing to consider before hiring a divorce lawyer is the fee. This could include the consultation, case-filing fee, and the method in which the fee is likely to be charged. Generally, there are ways a lawyer might charge. The first is a flat fee. The second is normally tallied at the end of the case on an hourly basis. A good lawyer should be ready to negotiate an out of court settlement or litigations from the other parties. A signed written agreement between the lawyer and the client is always the best way to seal a pact.
Hurricanes and Divorce
Many people who have been married quite a while complain that there is no spark left in their marriage, yet it is not as difficult to get spark back into a marriage. For instance consider that human bonding often occurs during adversity and the 2006 Atlantic tropical hurricane season is definitely going to be a big one and let us face it that is a lot of adversity coming out to you with 200 miles per hour winds.
If you decide not to evacuate or even if you do decide to follow the mandatory evacuation required by law then you may have one more additional experience of heavy adversity to help bond you in your marriage and this could prevent divorce or even thoughts of such action.
If you are forced to spend extra time with a loved one during such horrific events, then once you are completed you will find that you have an experience with that individual that is special and unique and having lived through a hurricane together will help re-bond your marriage.
The good thing about the Atlantic tropical hurricane season is very common and happens every year and this adversity can help not only bond you and your spouse but also your whole family. Look at the bright side the hurricane could possibly save your marriage.
Divorce And Family Law
Divorce is one aspect of family law. Family law deals with all the family related issues such as adoption, prenuptial agreements, marriage, divorce, separation, legal separation, annulment, division of the property accumulated during the marriage, alimony, negotiation, domestic violence, adjudication, child custody and support, child abduction, kidnapping or child seizure, emancipation, abuse in the marriage, parental rights, paternity, juvenile, felonies etc., and many such cases related to family. Other than this they also deal with regular cases relating to criminal laws, property related laws, probation law, trusts etc. However, majority of the cases that come to family lawyers are the divorce, separation, abuse or child custody cases. In simpler words, all the domestic litigation cases are filed under the family law.
Divorce is one aspect of family law and so is to be filed in the family law court. Many legal companies specialize in providing advice for family related issues, most common being separation, divorce and child custody and support. Approaching these companies would be advantageous in messy divorce cases. They would be able to handle with expertise all the aspects of divorce and afterward.
Lawyers and attorneys practicing family law are the best with more experience than qualifications. It is amazing how much documentation and negotiation is expected when taking care of a family related case. Along with this the lawyers must be able to support the party professionally, emotionally and morally all the while helping in separating the client from the spouse and in some instances from the children. Also, the lawyers dealing with the family law cases must be aware of the laws in that particular state as family law differs in each state. An experienced and qualified lawyer would be able to make a divorce case less painful and a lot quicker. Lawyers who are experienced in family law and handle all the necessary documentation for the same are also well versed in the divorce proceedings related documentation.
Family law attorneys charge the fee depending on the type of case. In case of divorce, the price can range depending on whether the parties have still some issues pending between them such as property division, child custody, support etc., Most attorney charge either an hourly fee or a flat rate after the case is filed and the court accepts the divorce. However, the best kind of attorneys charge by the hour as there would be less scope of getting fleeced later on after getting a big settlement or alimony from the spouse. These hourly rates can vary depending on the area or state where the case is to be held. Of course, a lawyer in New York, Beverly Hills or Los Angeles would be expected to charge a lot more than a lawyer from a small place in Iowa! Also, it is a usual practice for the attorneys to charge a retainer, as is the case with regular lawyers practicing in other fields of law. If unable to bear the retainer charges, the court can make the spouse bear the retainer charges when the court is requested for counsel fee pedente lite. Pedente lite is a court order for taking financial care of a low income spouse while court proceedings are ongoing.
Cheap Divorce Lawyers
Divorce lawyers are usually those lawyers that deal with the family law. They are specialized in all areas of family matters and can provide sound legal counsel when approached. It is usual (as well as safer) for both parties to use different divorce lawyers to deal with the proceedings.
Checking through the yellow pages would produce quite a list of lawyers practicing family law. However, the best kinds are divorce lawyers who are most well known by word of mouth. Browsing the Internet is another option to look for a good divorce lawyer. Many websites help customers locate a good practicing family law lawyer in a specific area. Of course, locating a divorce lawyer through the state bar association is an always available method for those looking for accredited lawyers working for the government.
Available online is a lot of information regarding the divorce proceedings. This can be of a big help if either party is looking for a cheap divorce. It is possible to get cheap divorce if there is no contest from either party or no other litigation with regards to child custody, and things like property rights. Knowing all the rules and divorce laws can reduce the lawyer expenses while ensuring uncomplicated settlement between both the parties as per the state divorce laws. All such information is available online and can be retrieved with minimum effort. Online lawyers are available to help in cases where an online divorce service is entertained due to lower cost. Paperwork obviously is minimal since everything is online and the best part is that it’s all completely legal!
It is important to note that cheap online divorces are only suitable for those who wish to separate without any lingering issues pending between them. No-fault divorces are usually considered cheaper. A ‘no fault’ divorce happens when both parties agree to separate peacefully.
Available online are websites that work as referral services to a number of lawyers willing to work cheap. Most of these websites provide free forms to start the divorce proceedings along with legal support at a considerably low cost. However, cheap divorces are not for those who require a lot of settlements prior to the dissolution of the marriage such as property, settlements, children, and pet custody. This is important to note since divorce decrees are final and cannot be reopened or changed at a later stage.
Georgia Divorce Laws
Getting a divorce can be a complex and messy process. However, a good divorce attorney can make the whole procedure quick and less painful.
Divorce includes a number of legalities that deal with the separation between a husband and wife. All such issues would be taken care of by a family law practitioner or an exclusive divorce lawyer specializing in that field. Interests of both the parties need to be considered during a divorce proceeding. It could be a difficult time for the whole family, and compassion, understanding and sympathy need to be part of the parcel of every divorce attorney.
The state of Georgia has a no-fault divorce policy. This means that the state does not require reasons for divorce, and the courts try to make the process as painless as possible for both parties. However, the division of assets and child custody require reasons for attainment of such. As in other states, Georgia accepts a divorce filing on the grounds of irreconcilable differences or irretrievable breakdown. Also, divorce is allowed when the partners have separated for more than a year prior to filing for the divorce. In such situations that case becomes an uncontested divorce and can be granted even when either party applies for divorce without both filing for the divorce together.
The court gets to decide who gets custody of the child. However, custody-related matters need to be finalized before the divorce is granted. The court would decide child support and custody matters while looking out for the child’s best interests, in the event that the parents are unable to decide who receives the custody of the children after the divorce. Some judges would allow the child to decide which parent he stays with. But this is usually when the child reaches an age where the parents cannot bribe or entice the child to pick them, and the child is able to take independent decisions.
When granting a divorce, the court decides on property and debt assessment, tax issues, prenuptial agreements, Social Security benefits, life insurance, disability benefits, personal injury money as well as gifts that both received while together, along with the attorney fee. In the event one of the parties is unable to bear the cost of attorney fees then they can file for counsel fee pedente lite. Other than these, financial and spousal support when relating to child custody and alimony is also taken into account. In Georgia, either party can provide alimony and, depending on the lifestyle they have been used to, the court decides the amount. Any business that was started must be considered when the partners break up. As per Georgia divorce laws, all the financial assets and properties must be divided fairly and equitably, even when they cannot be distributed equally between both the parties.
Fort Worth Divorce Attorneys
Getting a divorce is always a painful decision because it involves the emotions and lives of two or more persons. It is also one of the most complex legal processes that a person may encounter in his/her lifetime. This painful situation may arise in anyone’s life, and it is always better to be acquainted with the basic terminology. Fort Worth has a number of leading legal firms and divorce attorneys who can help you through the entire process of getting a divorce.
If you are from Fort Worth and looking for a reliable and competent divorce attorney, you need not look far. They are available in multitudes. You can check for them either online or get information about their location through the local yellow pages. Divorce attorneys are specialized attorneys and can help you out with one of the most complex legal procedures a person could ever encounter. It is an extremely emotionally draining process. It is for this very reason that you should be selective in hiring the services of a well-honed divorce attorney. He or she should be mature enough to give you a patient hearing, especially hearing your side of the story and also let you know from time to time, during the entire process, about the progress of the case. When it comes to experienced divorce attorneys, you can find them a dime a dozen in Fort Worth. They are found all through the region. You can verify their credentials from your friends or family members who may have sought their services in the past. This would give you a fair idea about the capabilities of a particular divorce attorney.
Right from the filing the petition for divorce, through the interim or temporary order, to the community property, spousal property, equitable support and child support, you have to understand the terminology in some depth. To get a fair understanding of these complex laws and their application in Fort Worth, you can go through detailed articles available online. You can also have a detailed discussion with your neighborhood divorce attorney, and get to know some of the processes involved.
Women Issues – The Children of Divorce
Children of divorced parents are also more sceptical about finding true love and settling down. Before you decide that this article is trying to spoil you from enjoying your big day, this is just to make you aware of the facts so you are more equipped to enjoy your married life fully, even though you may not have grown up in successful marital surroundings.
As child of divorce, it is important not to lose hope by thinking that you are going to commit the same mistakes your parents did. You will have to be a little optimistic and think that you have learned from the mistakes of your parents to make sure history does not repeat itself.
Here are other key points to help you: You will have to learn to forget and forgive the past. A successful marriage is difficult enough to maintain without bringing all your old laundry to it. First, make peace with your parents and forgive them. Do not blame their divorce for everything in your life. This will help you make peace with past and concentrate on the future with a fresh prospective. Remember that you are not your mom- remember that you are a different person and stop worrying about committing your parent’s mistakes. Remember that you control your fate and you make your own decisions. Also, accept that your spouse is not your dad or think that he is going to make the same mistakes as your dad did. Do not equate his mistakes to your father’s and think of the worst-case scenario. In order for you have a successful marriage, think of him as his own person, and place your complete trust on him. If he makes a mistake, be quick to forgive and enjoy each other’s company.
You are at an advantage when it comes to making mistakes. You have witnessed a failing marriage first hand. You just have to make sure that you do not perform the same mistakes in your married life. You can also look at your friends’ parents or relatives who have had successful marriages for pointers and talk to them.
Concentrate on your unique future. You should not define the path you are going to follow and base it on your parent’ union. You start by trusting your husband and placing complete faith in your relationship if you truly love him and like his company. Start building a better future with him by talking to him about your issues so he can understand you better.
As we look at today’s modern world and we can easily ask ourselves where we went wrong. However, you are not your past– remember that you are not bound to make the same mistakes unknowingly. Enjoy your married life.
Divorce – Lawyers Are The Only Winners
There is a joke out there that scientists are beginning to use lawyers in place of lab rats for their experiments. Apparently, the scientists were becoming too attached to the rats and there are some things that even rats will not do.
Is this cynical? Perhaps. But there is also an element of truth when it comes to lawyers and divorce. During a divorce, your emotions are on high alert and you may not be thinking clearly. This lack of focus for the lawyer’s clients is like blood in the water for sharks.
If you can put your emotions aside for just one moment, you and your spouse will realize that mediation is a much better option then going through lawyers and the courts.
IMPORTANT POINT – You do not need the courts to decide the division of marital assets, child support and spousal support during a divorce. You only need the courts to make the entire process official and final. If both parties in the marriage can present a self-negotiated settlement to the courts, the courts are perfectly agreeable to this option. This is why it is so important to do most of the groundwork prior to showing up in court.
If you attempt to negotiate a settlement through your respective lawyers, you will end up spending much more money then you really need to.
Imagine this scenario – lawyer A sends lawyer B a letter outlining their clients position on any particular issue. Lawyer B receives the documents from lawyer A and then issues their own document back to lawyer A acknowledging receipt of documents from lawyer A. Lawyer A then sends a quick note back to lawyer B acknowledging receipt of the receipt of the documents. If you listen carefully, you can here the lawyers laughing silently as they calculate exactly how many payments they can make on their high-end luxury car on your back.
As ridiculous as this sounds, I’m embarrassed to admit this has actually happened to me. It is maddening to know thousands of dollars were spent unnecessarily because two parties could not come to their own solution. If you let your emotions run wild, the lawyers will capitalize on this weakness and start charging you hundreds of dollars for an administrative tug of war.
I realize it is not fair to stereotype an entire profession or group of individuals but if lawyers really had their clients best interests at heart they would send their clients a letter that says – negotiate a settlement yourselves or we will charge you a bucket load of money for your stupidity.
There are other options available if you and your partner are unable to negotiate an agreement yourselves. Mediation is a viable option that can get the job done and save both parties a great deal of money. In the end, long after the divorce has been finalized and the emotions have subsided, both parties will be grateful they used mediation.
Like all things in life, choose a mediator wisely. Not all mediators are competent and effective. If you can find a mediator that both parties agree on, you are well on your way to dissolving your marriage.
Divorce Lawyer: Key to Divorce
Divorce refers to the dissolution or the legal end of a marriage. Every state has its own legal requirements governing when a divorce may be granted. These legal requirements may include a residency requirement, grounds or a reason for the divorce, among others.
The grounds for divorce may vary from being fault-based and no-fault based. All these requirements vary from state to state. Certain exceptions like ‘Irreconcilable Differences’ and ‘Irretrievable Breakdown’ are common no-fault grounds for divorce in almost all states. Your divorce could be the most important financial decision in life, as well as one of the most nerve wrecking. In such a circumstance, the key person who can see you through this is a divorce lawyer.
The divorce lawyer helps you in making extremely important financial and emotional decisions like child custody, property divisions etc. You must choose a lawyer well versed and specializing in Family Law.
You can look for a good lawyer by asking around, consulting your friends, relatives and acquaintances. A divorce lawyer with references will be more helpful than the one who is completely unknown to you and all people around.
When you first meet the lawyer, give all case facts. The fee quoted by the person will be a rough approximate as the amount of legal work involved is not very clear. Usually, they charge by the hour, and a retainer fee as an advance payment may be desired by the lawyer. You are at liberty to interview a few lawyers before choosing one to represent you in court.
To be on the safe side, it’s a good idea to enquire from the lawyers the following facts:
• The relevant experience he/she has in Family Law and number of years of practice in this field.
• Steps involved in the divorce process as well as expected time frame and legalities involved.
• Filing fee and the fee that any additional legal assistants employed will ask for.
• Inquire about the Retainer Agreement policy of the lawyer/firm.
• Billing cycle of the lawyer.
A good lawyer will answer all queries, and will try to address any concerns that you may have about legal implications or your case in general.
A good divorce lawyer:
• Will always be prepared for all your hearings.
• Will know exactly what your expectation from the case is.
• Will not be able to win all hearings.
• May not be able to answer your calls 24*7*365.
Once you and your spouse start the proceedings, do not sign any paper for your partner without express knowledge of your divorce lawyer. Litigations and negotiations are little subjective so ask your lawyer about his/her policy in this matter.
A good divorce lawyer is invaluable to your case, so you should choose one carefully. Also, once your case starts, do not change lawyers unless it is absolutely necessary as this may also harm your case. In case you are looking to change divorce lawyers, make sure that you get all information from the previous divorce lawyer such as who is the judge, necessary papers etc, so a smooth transition is possible. Once you place your trust in a lawyer, do it completely and assist him/her. After all, it is your own life.
Starting Over After Divorce
Starting over after divorce can be overwhelming. How do you learn to date again? What steps do you take to create a social life? What can you do to start your life over and not make the same mistakes you made in the past?
Men and women lose at least half of their social network when they get divorced. Their relationships with relatives, in-laws, neighbors, work colleagues, and spousal friends all shift and change. It takes determination to start building new social connections when you are alone and starting over.
Here are Five Tips to help you start over.
1. Mourning the loss of a marriage is necessary. Following that, you need to find ways to get positive.
Therapy and counseling can help. Give yourself at least a year to mend. Eventually, there comes a point when you need to change your focus. Think about what you have always wanted to do and where you have always wanted to go. Take one specific talent and polish it. Instead of dwelling on what went wrong in your life, start looking at what you have going for you.
2. Date cautiously.
The danger in the awkward pre-dating state is that you can get into a mini-marriage (a relationship that is exclusive but not committed) before you really know the person. After one or two dates, you could start seeing a person out of habit and loneliness without thinking it through. Then, you will not be available to find the love you have always wanted. When you go out, stay open to meeting lots of people, and try not to get hooked up with just one person yet.
3. Plan your weekends.
When you are alone on the weekends, you are vulnerable. Plan ahead. Call a cousin, or your mother, father, sister, brother, uncles, aunts, or nieces and nephews. You have someone in your life you can take places with you who will not look like a date, no matter what gender they are. Always have a plan for something on the weekend.
4. Find something new to do that you love.
Nothing revitalizes our life like doing activities that we love. When you do this, you will become more attractive, and will find it easier to meet others. What have you always wanted to do and kept putting off? If you don’t know where to start, pick up an adult school catalog and plan from there.
5. Visualize.
Before you go to sleep at night and before you start your day in the morning, visualize how you want your day to be. Following that, picture how you would love for your life to look all the time. What do you want to do in your work and what kind of relationships do you want around you? Picture yourself with all the love and attention you want and need.
You can build a new and wonderful life. Starting over starts with taking one step at a time. You can do it!
Prevent Divorce
From my experience couple trying to Stop Divorce are faced with many challenges, some of these issues and challenges are often very surprising. One of the people who visited my site sent me an email saying that I would not believe how easy it was to work on some parts of the prevent divorce issue, and that the hardest thing he and his wife faced was breaking the old habits, changing the way they conducted themselves, the automatic pilot that drives relationships into walls.
This is what this article is about, trying to notice the point in which you lose control over your target (preventing and stopping your divorce) and let the auto pilot drive your relationship into a difficult spot. Shedding light on a few points, I hope that you will be better equipped the next time you are facing an argument or even a discussion.
First point, is almost too easy, the blame game. How easy is this? Now honestly, think about it, almost everyone does it, and you have done it many times before, you play this stupid little game, get yourself wrapped around this idea and lose control, not only escalating the situation but getting into a mindset of blaming and anger, this would not help you, or anyone for that matter, achieve anything. What you really need to do is examine the situation, think about what you did, or what you usually do, and what your spouse does, and be as objective as you can. Make a table with the things you both do, never forget to notice the things that you do wrong, because everyone does something wrong, and admit it, to yourself and to your spouse.
Second, the “you are overreacting” sentence. How helpful was that?, men tend to say this to woman a lot, but I saw a few woman do that too, and this is a nasty one, not only do you judge your spouse, you are also criticizing their response, like you have any right to. Think about it for a moment, I am sure you will understand that this is a terrible thing to say and that in no case should you even consider saying this, take things at face value, if your partner is angry, focus on why he or she got to this situation and deal with it, don’t push it away and award the what you think is an exaggerated reaction level to your partner.
Children or family issues, this is an extremely delicate issue. Using children as weapons in arguments and fights is something a lot of people do, a classic example of losing control and saying things you live to regret for a long time. A clear stop sign, if you can see it while you are angry and upset, in a middle of an argument, try your best to avoid using your children or other family members in fights.
One last point which is the general advice I can give, when discussing things with your spouse, or even when arguing or fighting, try and make the situation even, try and balance the power and the objectivity of the situation. This means that no one has clear control over the discussion, that it is a free – equal power debate between two people and not a lecture or verbal beating to one or another person.
Avoid Divorce – Use The Four R’s
Divorce is a messy business. If both parties are truly interested in reconciling their differences, most times a divorce can be avoided. If people are willing to compromise, they can often find solutions to problems they never thought were possible.
If your marriage is going through one of those phases that all marriages eventually go through, you will find yourself in a position where a simply apology will go a very long way in helping to resolve the issue. If enough of these smaller issues are left unrecognized, a divorce will most likely be in your future.
If you have done something you need to apologize for, use the four R’s to help develop an apology that will go a very long way. Hopefully, this strategy can help avoid a divorce or in the worst-case scenario, make a divorce a little more amicable. The four R’s for a successful apology are: recognition, regret, responsibility and remedy.
RECOGNITION
You must first recognize where you have gone wrong and what you need to apologize for. If you don’t recognize the fact it may not be OK to play golf with the boys every Saturday and Sunday morning, then you maybe a single golfer before you know it. If however, you recognize playing golf every weekend with the boys may not be in the best interest of your marriage, you may want to recognize this fact and admit it to your spouse.
REGRET
After you recognize the error of your ways and admit you were wrong to play golf all weekend long, you would be well served to express regret to your spouse because of your actions. If your spouse sees sincere regret on your part, they are more likely to accept your apology as being genuine and heart felt.
RESPONSIBILITY
If you don’t want to become a single golfer, when you apologize to your spouse, you should accept full responsibility for your actions. It is useless to blame the guys for dragging you out to the course every weekend morning. It serves no purpose to blame a stressful job and the fact you require some down time with the guys in order to help you cope. You must fess up and admit the problem was caused by you and only you can help change the outcomes.
REMEDY
Once you recognize that playing golf every weekend is not acceptable and you have demonstrated sincere regret and responsible for your actions, it is time to develop a remedy to help solve the problem.
You must communicate to your spouse how you intend to remedy or change the problem so that the behavior is not repeated in the future. You must compromise with your spouse so that both of you can agree upon an acceptable time to play golf with the boys.
The Progressive NJ Divorce Lawyer
As NJ divorce attorneys, we are trained to be advocates in the process known as “adversarial. Many of us self-selected into the legal profession partly because our underlying personality and temperament traits are geared toward advocacy. Similarly, lawyers “the good ones” are typically quite inquisitive. Their questioning techniques, however, often take on the tone of cross-examination.
We can all stand to improve the way we practice the non-adversarial, settlement-oriented part of our profession by paying attention to the way we employ the principles of advocacy and inquiry.
Advocacy is stating one’s views. Examples of advocacy include: sharing how you’re feeling; describing what you’re thinking; stating a judgment; pushing for a particular course of action, decision or outcome; and making demands.
Inquiry is asking a genuine question. By asking real questions, information is truly sought. Rhetorical or leading questions are a kind of advocacy in disguise. We’ve all observed journalists and other questioners with not-so-hidden agendas pose inquiries such as, “Isn’t it true that your administration’s domestic fiscal policy has done a disservice to the elderly?” Another loaded style of pseudo question-asking might go something like, “Some people (not me, of course) might say that you handled yourself rather poorly in the first two debates. How would you respond to such criticism?”
In any discussion or conference we are engaged in, we can be high or low on advocacy. The same can be said for inquiry. Regardless of whether our advocacy and inquiry levels are high or low at a given instance, we can come across positively or negatively, depending upon our style, intent and often habit.
For instance, if we are operating from a high advocacy, low inquiry perspective, we come across quite positively if we are truly explaining our point of view. Cramming our viewpoint down the other party’s throat, conversely, is a destructive tendency. It should be mentioned that high advocacy/low inquiry results in one way communication, even if both people are engaged in it. It can be useful for giving information, but doesn’t enhance understanding of diverse perspectives or build commitment to a specific course of action. Advocacy that imposes the proponent’s views on others usually creates either compliance or resistance.
On the other hand, If we are geared up in the inquiry department, but toning down the advocacy, we can conduct meaningful, non-threatening information gathering interviews, or we can find ourselves falling into interrogation mode; a natural tendency for many NJ divorce lawyers. High inquiry/low advocacy results in one way communication in a different sense in that the inquirer refrains from stating his or her views or beliefs. While it can be quite useful for finding out information, it can create difficulties when the inquirer has a hidden agenda, or is really using the questioning process as a device to get the other person to “discover” what the inquirer already thinks is right, or both.
There are certainly times when keeping both advocacy and inquiry levels to minimum is the way to proceed. This is what we’re doing well when we are observing or listening attentively. The flip side in this realm is withdrawal. We’ve all observed this in four-way settlement conferences when a sore topic is being discussed, with one spouse preaching from the soapbox while the other checks out mentally and glazes over. Low inquiry/low advocacy also flows in one direction: Participants watch, but contribute relatively little. This approach is ideally employed when being a tacit observer is useful, but it can create difficulties when participants withhold their views on key issues.
Finally, in the context of energetic sessions when we are high in both advocacy and inquiry departments, mutual learning or appreciation of each other’s viewpoints is the objective. High advocacy/high inquiry fosters two way communication and learning. I state my views and I inquire into yours; I invite you to state your views and inquire into mine. We must be careful, particularly in the context of settlement talks, not to over-work the process. When excessive communications generate too much information density, participants become worn-out, irritable and confused or overwhelmed. Positive energy is a great thing, but it’s also important to keep dialogues down to a manageable pace. Participants need time for things to sink-in. Managing the pace of high advocacy, high inquiry discussion is also indispensable when taking into account the differences between introverted and extraverted (not a spelling error, but rather the Jungian term) personality types. While extraverts often relish high pace, high energy dialogue, introverts often find them quite distracting, if not frankly annoying.
Balancing advocacy with inquiry is necessary. Taken alone, however, the balancing process is not enough to promote a positive meeting of the minds. In order for this to occur, the quality of advocacy and inquiry is also vital. For example, “That’s a really moronic comment. How long did it take you to come up with that one?” is both a statement and a question, but it doesn’t encourage negotiated problem solving. Ideally, our use of advocacy should involve providing information to others and explaining exactly how we moved from observing or collecting this information to our view of the situation. Competent use of inquiry entails honestly seeking others’ views, probing how they arrived at them, and encouraging them to challenge our perspective. Balancing high quality advocacy with high quality inquiry makes significant breakthroughs possible.
A DOZEN PRACTICE TIPS
If we assume that we are obviously right and that our job is to get others to realize what we already know, we will be unable to promote either agreement on a specific issue or ultimate settlement. Accordingly, we are well advised to:
1) Assume from the onset that we may be missing things that others see, and seeing things that others miss. If we begin with this assumption, the result is that we will listen more intelligently and inquire more genuinely without downplaying our own views.
2) Assume that others are acting in ways that make sense to them and that they are motivated to act with integrity. (This advice applies, regardless of whether you believe another to be Demon Seed or the reincarnation of Mother Theresa of Calcutta.)
3) Attempt to understand what leads to behavior that we find problematic. Are others caught-up in dilemmas? Are we contributing to any problems?
4) Help others to understand or appreciate our viewpoints and how we think about them by giving examples of the underlying data we select. Go on to state the meaning that we find in the examples, and explaining the steps in our thinking to others.
5) Describe our understanding of the other’s reasoning.
6) If we notice negative consequences to what others may be doing, identify the consequences without attributing any intent on their part to create those consequences. Distinguish between intent and impact; between motive and outcome.
7) When choosing to disclose our emotions, we must endeavor to do so without implying that the other person is primarily responsible for creating our emotional reactions. Remember also Eleanor Roosevelt’s observation that no one can make us feel inferior without our permission.
8) Find out how others see the situation by asking them to give examples of the information they selected from which they necessarily drew the inferences which lead to their conclusions. Ask them to explain the steps in their thinking.
9) Ask for help in finding out what we may be missing by encouraging others to identify possible gaps or errors in our thinking.
10) When we have difficulty with how others are acting, ask them to explain what has prompted them to act as they have done, in a tone that suggests they may have a reasonable answer.
11) Inquire into others’ feelings and emotions, but don’t ask, “What’s your problem?” or “Why do you get so worked up?” Say, instead, “You appear to be sad about something, am I right? Do you feel comfortable talking about it?”
12) Ask for help in exploring whether we are unknowingly contributing to the problem. Quite often, well-intended action on our part is problematic for others.
These tips have been extraordinarily helpful to many, both in their work and private lives. I hope that you will find them helpful.
Thee Questions To See If You Are Headed For Divorce
There are many self-help books out there that can help you determine if you are headed for a divorce. An entire industry of Dr. Phil copycats has made a great deal of money preying upon the emotional instability that accompanies a divorce.
While nothing related to a divorce or separation can be simplified into three simple questions, the following questions can certainly help you get a better understanding of your marital stability.
Do you both agree on the amount of sexual activity in your relationship?
If the answer is no – WARNING! If you and your partner are miles apart on the amount of sexual activity you both consider appropriate for your relationship, you really should address this problem as soon as possible.
Ultimately, if a couple is not in agreement about the level of sexual activity within their relationship, problems will arise. This discrepancy often leads to feelings of resentment or bitterness. Sex, intimacy, love and a successful relationship often all go hand in hand. It’s finding that correct balance that couples can agree upon which is most important.
Do you both argue and not talk to one another for a couple of days?
If the answer is yes – WARNING! If you and your partner go to bed angry at one another and often don’t talk to one another after an argument for an extended period of time, you may have some serious issues that need to be dealt with.
The longer issues go unresolved, the bigger these issues will become. It is better to deal with the regular issues that arise in a marriage right away. Offer forgiveness and have a frank and open discussion about how you feel.
Do you take separate vacations?
If you have always taken vacations together and suddenly one of the partner’s starts expressing an interest in having separate vacations, you should really consider this a warning sign. Why does one of the partners suddenly want a separate vacation? Why do they want separate time? This is probably indicative of a deeper underlying problem.
Many people would suggest that separate vacation time is an important part of a healthy relationship. Conversely, other people would submit that this is the beginning of the end a healthy relationship.
The most important thing to consider when it comes to separate vacations is weather or not both partners have always agreed that separate vacations are important or if this happens over a period of time.
Divorce – Are You Feeling Cheated?
Are you feeling relieved after divorce or cheated? After many divorces people feel happy while in many rather more cases they feel cheated. Why? Divorce it self is a very painful process and the times that lead to divorce are more painful. The question is why get the sense of feeling cheated after getting divorce? Let us talk about this.
Relationship demands giving – People give a lot to their marriage; most of them do it except few. Right from the development of relationship, a lot of time, emotional energy and physical resources are given to make it work. During marriage the investment goes higher. Most of the partners want the marriage to work. There are exceptions that unbelievably want to destroy because of psychological problems. When cracks develop in the marriage, lot more effort is made to save the marriage and when the marriage breaks after putting in so much effort, one feels cheated.
Is this true for all? This is not true for all. There are few individuals who don’t give anything in marriage. They ask for it. The demand and contribute nothing. That is the game of selfishness played by them. So these people will never feel cheated. They will only feel bad that they lost an easy victim.
What should you do? The only way out is to forget the losses. Try to erase the past as much as possible. This will be difficult, but break the pain bit by bit. Work on it and it will go away one day. Try to forge another relationship and forget what went wrong. Cut your losses as soon as possible.
How To Stop A Divorce
Divorce appears to be the new tendency in marriages these days. The entire globe appears to have jumped on the bandwagon which is endlessly being caused by split-ups in the entertainment industry. The holiness of wedlock is being sacrificed and it has turned into a marketplace for divorce- driven oblects such as divorce attorneys.
A great many people believe that obtaining a divorce is the sole means to pull out of a distressed relationship. However, as the wonderful philosopher Aristotle said, “There is always a third option.” Regarding individuals that believe that obtaining a divorce is the same thing as being contented, try thinking it through again. A current study that was lead by Ms. Linda Waite of the University of Chicago disclosed that divorced individuals are not any happier. An additional even more amazing reality that was uncovered by the research is that 67% of the individuals that became distressed about their marriages later stated that they were happy in their marriages five years later. Her group additionally discovered that a preponderance of devotedly wedded pairs had undergone long durations of sadness in their unions. The distinction is that the pair remained with the relationship and discovered answers to their difficulties.
Matrimony is designed to connect the inner souls of two individuals together. The marriage loses its holiness in the complete circumstance of splitting up. There exist more methods than one to stop divorce. Listed below are a few valuable points that someone can use in trying to rescue their marriage.
-Communication is the Key Virtually all differences advance to fights as a result of the absence of communication. A few pairs merely discuss chores and projects. Maintaining an open line of communication would maintain the frankness in the relationship and prevent concealed perceptions that could prod significant emotional harm.
-There Are No Perfect Relationships The fundamental lessons of economics dictate to us that any time we remain with one thing, we are consistently excluding something else. Divorces are commonly spurred by unfaithfulness and third-party affairs. Keep in mind that no relationship is perfect. Problems between marriage partners is no reason for unfaithfulness, actually it ought to make their relationship stronger.
-Look For Assistance In case everything else does not work the way you hoped it would and you have attempted to solve the difficulty between the pair of you, seek outside help. There exist professional marriage counselors that are able to help marriage partners with problems to get back on the right track. There’s no harm in seeking assistance.
Keep in mind that divorce has its penalties, which include tremendous monetary losses. Even more significantly, it taints marriage and completely finishes relationships. What it comes down to is that if there is more than sufficient love that exists within a home, divorce will not ever rear it ugly head.
Are You Still Emotionally Trapped By Your Parent’s Divorce?
What is the emotional impact of divorce on children who experience it?
Well some are:
1. The emotional shock of losing the family structure and home.
2. The wrenching guilt that comes with having to choose between parents.
3. The deep fear of feeling and/or being abandoned by a parent.
4. The trauma of acrimonious proceedings.
5. The lack of mature relationship models that leading them to later mistrust relationships.
6. A fear and belief of having been the cause of the divorce along with feelings of guilt and self loathing.
7. Grief at having to give up friendships and familiar surroundings.
8. The feelings of embarrassment, shame and humiliation among one’s peers.
9. A deep sense of insecurity, feelings of low self esteem and low self worth.
And so on…
Much of this trauma becomes stored in the mind and body and can pose significant limitations on one’s future success in relationships.
It’s not uncommon to see such individuals either withdrawing from relationships all together or repeating parental dysfunctional patterns and becoming re-traumatized by their own divorces.
It’s often said that “trauma begets trauma”. In this case one could add that “divorce begets divorce”.
Often the trauma of divorce takes on a life of its own and dominates the life course of an individual making them feel like a reluctant passenger.
The cycle can be broken and children of divorced parents can reclaim control over the trajectory of their lives by effectively releasing this trauma from within.
A new modality I developed over 10 years ago called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) (MRP) has shown the powerful ability to help individuals quickly, painlessly, easily and permanently release large swaths of emotional trauma from within their minds and bodies.
This results in a renewed sense of self that is accompanied by self confidence, self esteem, self worth, feelings of joy, contentment, resilience, inner peace, security, an ability to be one’s genuine and honest self without fear of intimacy or rejection, an ability to open one’s heart to self love and to loving others and to a new and more effective way of forging mature relationships that last.
Divorce, Facts and Fictions
United States is a country with a very high rate of divorce. The record number of divorces per year leads to many practical problems for the spouses seeking divorce. And one of the greatest among them is high cost of divorce attorney.
The divorce definitely affects both the parties and perhaps it leaves worst impact on the kids. The psychological trauma at the tender age is too hard for them to resist.
Whatever the reason of the divorce it always ends in disturbing the normal routine. One needs to think 10 times before taking such a step as it has greater and wider impact than one can think of. It affects you psychologically and hampers you economically.
One ought to really strive arriving at a compromise than seeking at once for divorce. And if one has really decided to take that step he/she must plan meticulously to make things systematic and smooth. It is advisable to talk to divorce attorney before actually breaking your idea to your spouse; as a legal expert will guide your way to smooth divorce. Like, he/she may advise you to get some vital information about your spouses so as to prevent you from false claims of moneys, rights, etc.
Secondly, if you have kids then you need to plan together how to tell them about your separations. It is better if two of you can together talk to them about your separation. Children normally have greater impact and hence may need your priority. Try to keep everything as peaceful as it can be.
Choose a good attorney who has good court record and be clear and veracious while briefing him your case. Follow his/her instructions and act accordingly. Decide each and every issue clearly and if possible mutually. One of the major issues pertaining to divorce is the issue of child custody. If possible decide it mutually or fight or claim your rights clearly. Mostly the cases of child custody are reviewed in the same court in which divorce case is being preceded. Make all your points clear including the relationship of your child with your ex and his/her family.
Whether to keep your relationship with your ex partner or not depends completely on both of you. The only thing advisable here is to be faithful to your present partner, if you have decided to enter into another relationship.
Do not take any step casually think over it again and again; consult a legal expert rather than simply trusting your conscience for the matter.
Test – Are You Heading Towards Divorce?
Divorce is not like a volcano. One fine day, we find that a volcano has erupted. Divorce happens over a period of time. The relationship breaks down continuously and we realize that life can no longer be lived together. Many couples wake up when the break down has become total. That becomes very difficult to save the marriage. After that they spend endless nights worrying about what to do – To go for divorce or not? Why not to take care of the relationship today and find out how it is and what care it needs. What changes will make it better? And improve it before it reaches the brink?
Ask questions such as – Am I happy in my marriage/ Is my partner happy? Am I emotionally satisfied? What about my partner? Is marriage giving us joy or pain? Are we still in love? Is one of us feeling victimized? Shall we grow together till our old age? Are we loyal to each other? What kind of relationship do we share now? Are we feeling sick of each other? And so on. Raise as many questions about your marriage, yourself and your partner as you can think of. Take some online tests and quizzes on marriage and relationship. That will give lot of thought to your mind.
As you think of questions, you will start thinking more deeply about where you are heading. Find out all that is going wrong. Try to improve that. Discuss with your partner about what you think. Find out all that is going right. Make it still better. Think, plan and act. Before thinking, test your marriage in all the possible ways. Wake up now. Tomorrow may be too late.
Estate Planning and Insurance Concerns When You Divorce
If you are getting a divorce from your spouse, you have a lot of planning to do. You will need to name your own beneficiaries, organize your divided assets, and set up your individual estate.
It is important that you meet with a qualified attorney to discuss the specifics of planning your estate to ensure that your wishes are carried out as you desire. You need to be well versed in the most strategic methods of dividing your joint estate so that you do not end up paying all of the taxes while he or she enjoys the benefits of your assets.
I have outlined some important information for you to be aware of when planning your estate after your divorce. Please keep in mind that divorces lend themselves to new structures for individuals. You will want to meet with a qualified attorney to discuss how to best protect your new estate.
Assigning Your Beneficiary
During your marriage, chances are your spouse was the sole or major beneficiary of your estate. After your divorce, it is important that you designate a new beneficiary on all of your documents and for all of your accounts.
The federal law called ERISA pre-empts state laws that automatically remove an ex-spouse as the beneficiary of retirement plans. Therefore, it’s important that you remove the ex-spouse as the beneficiary unless you wish for him or her to remain as your designated beneficiary.
Please note: Once you re-name your beneficiary, it is possible that your ex-spouse will still retain the rights to part of your retirement benefits that you accrued during the time of your marriage. I recommend consulting with a qualified estate planning attorney to determine just how much of your benefits and estate will be designated to your ex-spouse after your divorce.
Dividing Your Assets
During the course of your divorce, you and your ex-spouse determine how your joint estate will be divided. Take a minute to review a few assets that you will need to divide: 1) appreciated assets, such as mutual funds, and stocks; 2) real estate, including investments, repairs, insurances and mortgages; 3) personal property, such as jewelry, artwork and clothes; 4) retirement plans, such as qualified plans and IRA’s; and 5) your home, which can be divided in different ways to meet both parties’ financial needs.
Establishing a Trust
Many people will create a Trust to ensure that a designated Trustee will have control over funds after death. There are three Trusts that you can explore when planning your estate:
1. The Revocable Living Trust helps you avoid probate by allowing your Trustee to distribute your assets according to the instructions that you have outlined.
2. The Children’s Trust allows you to designate funds that your child will use later in his life to pay for his education, home, etc.
3. The Irrevocable Life Insurance Trust, otherwise known as “ILIT”, allows you to distribute the death benefit estate tax-free when and how you want, even long after you’re gone.
Divorce is never easy. It’s typically a very long and arduous process as both parties work to get their portions of the shared assets. If you’re going through a divorce it is important to speak with a qualified attorney who can walk you through all of the tax and asset considerations that you need to be aware of to ensure that you receive the best possible settlement.
Divorce: Learn, Let Go, and Live More Fully
Are you on the brink of a divorce? In the process? Already divorced, and wondering how you’re going to move forward as a single person? The first thing to remember is: everything happens for a reason. You are right where you are supposed to be.
This may not be what you want to hear. Most people going through a divorce never thought they would be in that situation. The breakup of a marriage can be disconcerting and bring about a flood of grief, anger, and depression. Yet, learning how to move on from a divorce can allow us to heal so that we grow and become better, stronger human beings.
In working with divorced people, it is apparent that the breakdown of a relationship can be quite a shock. No matter how long you have been miserable in the relationship, coming to that final decision to separate can be quite traumatic and stay with you for a long time. Sometimes it may seem surreal, taking months or years for the reality to just sink in.
During the initial period of divorce, you may be asking yourself dozens of questions about what went wrong. You may be trying to figure out who is at fault, what you did wrong, why the other person left, and many other questions. Sometimes you can feel like you are drowning in self-doubt and questioning. Yet, there are ways to change your thinking so that you are moving in a more productive and healing direction.
By thinking more positively about your relationship, even though it may have ended, you can get better perspective on yourself and your relationship. Focus on how things started with you and your ex-spouse and how you were together. Figure out what attracted you to each other and why things were good. Then you can question how things changed and what outside factors impacted your relationship. Ultimately you will want to determine why you could not overcome your differences. Though these thoughts will be upsetting sometimes, they allow you to see ways for you to grow emotionally and spiritually. Journaling or writing letters may help you work through your thoughts about these questions so that you can learn to let go of the guilt, anger, despair and confusion you have been feeling.
While you are trying to work through the deeply rooted emotional upheaval in your life, you may also need to do some things to keep the practical tasks of everyday life in order. By keeping track of your responsibilities, you will gain some perspective of your life and realize that life will go on even though you are single. Make arrangements for how you and your spouse will handle vacations and holidays for your children. This will alleviate conflicts later.
Create a budget and/or a schedule to help yourself get things done. There is a significant change happening in your lifestyle, and with all of the emotions surrounding this change, having a practical approach to your money and time can ease some of that burden. Make sure, though, that you schedule some fun activities for you during your day and week. Sometimes that time appreciating art, nature, or activities can allow you to move on a bit every day from your breakup. Also, maintaining and sticking to a budget can keep other stress from compounding the sense of loss you feel from the divorce.
While taking a practical approach to moving on is helpful, so is taking a spiritual approach. Divorce can take its toll on your mind, body, and spirit. Journaling can be helpful in the healing process, but so can meditation or support groups. Sometimes connecting with yourself and others can help you understand what you are feeling and have confidence that your emotions are normal. However, if you feel that you are slipping further into depression or you are having suicidal thoughts, you should seek professional assistance immediately.
Learning to move on after divorce is important to allowing your mind, body, and soul to heal. As you work through your emotions and connect to yourself and others you will find yourself getting stronger little by little. Remember that grief is normal and healing takes time, but working through it will allow you to become a stronger, more well-adjusted person who embraces life and lives it well.
Ultimately, the choice is yours. If you want to learn from your marriage, you will. It was not a “failure” if you have taken some lessons with you, and are willing to work on those things in yourself that get in the way of true intimacy. Give yourself permission to heal and let go at your own pace, and, at the same time, allow yourself to look forward with anticipation to the future. You will be re-inventing yourself and your new life. It’s like a second chance to live a full, purposeful, balanced and joyous life. Don’t miss this gift!
Dating and Divorce – When are you Safe to Re-enter the Dating Pool?
Many people who are going through a divorce think that it is all right to start dating again, considering they are getting a divorce anyway. However, these people may fail to realize that the timing of your new relationship can have severely impact the divorce proceedings.
Obviously, as an adult you are free to associated with whomever you choose. However, if you engage in sexual relations before your final divorce decree this will be viewed adultery. Adultery can affect your divorce in many ways.
If there are children involved, adultery may prevent you from being granted any custody rights. It may also have a detrimental affect of visitation rights. If you still manage to retain your children, you may receive less child support than you otherwise would. Conversely, you may be forced to pay more for child support than you would if you refrained from adultery.
“As far as dating and divorce goes, my best advice is to wait,” says Karen Meislik, a divorce attorney in New Jersey. “Although you want to move on with your life, you simply should not risk the financial loss as well as the added emotional effect that dating can have on the divorce proceedings.”
The amount of financial support you receive may also be decreased if you are cohabitating before your final divorce decree. If you decide to move in with someone you are having a sexual relationship with, New Jersey divorce courts will consider this when deciding child support and alimony. Again, it is in your best interest to wait until the divorce is final.
A divorce is a very difficult time. You may just want to forget about your problems at home, go out, have a good time, and meet someone new. Although this is the most desirable solution, it may be the worst decision you could make. Dating during your divorce can harm you financially as well as emotionally. You may not be ready for another relationship.
Divorce Avoidance – Part 14 – Simple Easy Connection Formula
Your workable Divorce Avoidance Formula is ready to be used by you. It is both easy and simple to use. You begin to see its power when you ask yourself the all-important question.
When did we lose our special “connection”?
With more than 25 years of experience in divorce avoidance I have found one key to remaining happily married.
It centers on the word “connection”.
When you are “connected” your marriage is a blessing to both of you.
When you are not connected strife prevails. And divorce is often the result.
So the key is to stay connected.
Connection Strategy 1 – Stay Connected With Your Hearts
It has often been said that a family that prays together stays together. Prayer works well in keeping husbands and wives
connected. Even in times when they have agreed to disagree about some things.
Connection here is also gained by husband and wife both hanging on to the same hope. The hope that the marriage will survive its current attack.
Your connection by way of your feelings should never be underestimated.
Connection Strategy 2 – Stay Connected With Your Heads
Mental connection is absolutely necessary for the Divorce Avoidance plan to work.
When you find yourselves not able to agree on even the small things then you have an early sign of trouble.
You need to reach agreement on as many issues as possible.
Stay on the same “page” mentally and you will have the battle well under control.
Don’t be afraid to raise issues needing agreement. But be sure you have an attitude of wanting to give your life partner some ground. Show a clear desire to move in the direction of agreeing with them.
Connection Strategy 3 – Stay Connected With Your Bodies
Early signs of lack of connection in this area include an inability to touch one another, to hug or to share the same bed.
No matter what the reason given for each of you not feeling comfortable with body contact any longer you have to work through this.
Confront the issues. Give ground to one another but at least get to the point where you are comfortable with hugging one another. Sincerely.
This is a key step for you to take in getting this Simple easy Formula working.
You now have the three part Simple Easy Connection Formula for Divorce Avoidance.
Success in your marriage belongs to you.
Your only responsibility is to apply what you’ve learned.
You can choose to begin today.
It will work.
Just get started.
Divorce, Marriage and the Sanctity of It All
There seems to be a debate brewing and the sound and fury is indeed loud and clear. The Gay and Lesbian Community want their rights to get married. Some say this could lead to divorce amongst straight people, although that is probably not going to happen. But there is a number of people very worried about the sanctity of marriage in America and another problem of the gay fringe activists which are a little more out of control than many realize.
Let me state my premise; The gay fringe using unlawful abuse of power, extortion techniques, slander and unlawful acts are indeed slowing down the G & L Communities efforts for marriage. I further state that they will not listen to anyone and need mentoring from people they respect; I believe that to be the G & L Community itself. I stand by all those statements and nothing you have said even remotely challenges those observations and real experiences.
In discussing this with a gay activist they and their friends immediately started name calling, yet their comments that; I am afraid, homosphobic, a bigot, need psychiatric help, paranoid and all the others are not really too concerning to me, as they simply are not so. It appears the gay and lesbian community will not own up to the fact that their own radical fringe is indeed slowing their movement.
Many people are glad, because they do not want gays to get married. I was further told by the gay activists after the called me every name in the book that I was in fear and they stated; “One thing about dealing with fear is understanding this, and realizing that things will be okay despite that.”
Yes that’s me alright, so fearful, so afraid, so worried that my shadow might say “Boo!” I fell so helpless and weak now that you have uncovered that I am merely a little boy so fearful? Sure that’s it! The problem here is there is name calling all the way around from both sides, yet the gay fringe is not interested in communication, only threats, slander and extortion tactics. They are full on locked and loaded for war over gay marriage.
Divorce, Marriage and Of Course Men and Woman
Marriage is between a man and a woman, yet we have heard lately some extremely loud opposition to this in the media. Even more troubling is the fringe group growing with in the gay and lesbian community; a fringe, which will need to be mentored by the larger group to prevent animosity with the majority of folks and potential harmful conflict as well. Yet when this is explained to the LGBT Community they will not take responsibility for their fringe and they state;
“How am I supposed to “mentor the fringe”. Where do I find such people? Do I go out to a meeting of an LGBT organization, and whenever I see someone being a hothead tell them to cool it? Is that what you mean?”
Well sure tell them to cool it, with regards to threats and insults and wanting to go break things or hurt people. But that is not the main point, rather intellectually assist their thought process and explain all the things you have told me. Such as people are people. People fear. Maybe explain to them if people are disrespected they want revenge and that adds fuel to the fire and in the long run hurts you as much as it hurts them.
When kids screw up in gangs and such there are methods, which can be used to help them into a better way to challenge their energies so they can win the game. I am not saying dump the political activism, what I am saying abstractly is explain why eco-terrorism hurts the cause of environmentalism rather than helping it. Burning down something and causing millions of dollars of damage and air pollution is hypocritical to the message. Instead have them use their brains and energies in a positive way.
One gay activist and transsexual partner states; “And your suggestion about “mentoring” is frankly insulting to those who are very active, implying that they’re young children who just need guidance.”
The fringe I am referring do act like young children and they very much need guidance. Big time. They are not helping the G & L Community, they are hurting the near term achievement they seek. Now long-term, it makes no difference in the over all scheme of things, it is obvious to me and should be to anyone watching that gay marriage in the US will be legal sometime in the coming decade, perhaps just after. In 50-years people will wonder what the big deal was in the first place and how could anyone think it should not be legal.
Marriage and Divorce Trends Discussed
There are many trends we are constantly watching in America regarding marriage. We watch how many kids are born out of wedlock, how many divorces there are and now we are seeing a new emerging trend. That is the gay and lesbian community movement to make gay marriage legal.
Unfortunately there is a problematic fringe element with in the gay and lesbian community, which is completely vocal and even goes farther than that with threats, slander and even extortion type tactics. But when an activist in the gay and lesbian community is approached on this subject they often say things like;
“In fact, if you do study trends, you know that social change is most often created by “the fringe”.”
Indeed a fringe creates synergy and the synergy follows creating a trend. But the fringe also can be a downfall or create a negative trend. (negative from your perspective, positive from the Christian Hard Right). I kind of am wondering why the G & L Community is allowing the combative, threatening, slandering and lawbreaking Homosexual fringe to help the Christian Right deny the G & L Community their goal.
Thus my comments are relevant. Just read any Blog thread on the gay marriage debate and you will see some very angry people on the other side too, mostly due to their Biblical belief systems or religious leaders telling them what to think. Nevertheless, I can see it all plain as day, maybe because it does not affect me. Controversy and Chaos and all the mass media hysteria of sound and fury in between is of course interesting, but in the end seems silly considering the obvious future of it all. The gay fringe is fighting back and the Christian right is not letting up. Let’s hope we do not get any more reverse hate crimes?
We Must Protect the Sanctity of Marriage to Stop Divorce
Why get married if it does not mean anything any more? Why stay married if no one seems to care? Why get married if marriage is no longer between a man and woman. Marriage is between a man and a woman, indeed the way nature had intended it to be.
Recently when I mentioned to a gay and lesbian activist, actually a stated transsexual, that the gay fringe was causing a huge rift between the straight and gay populations, she, he or it? Stated that “You really think you have a knack for dividing queer people, don’t you? It really is something.”
Meaning, that my comment was trying to divide their groupings. Interesting as she, he or it, or whatever seemed to consider my observations were to attack, divide and conquer the gay community. Well, no, yet I understand having studied Machiavellian Theory, Sun Tzu, Carl von Clauswitz, Colonel Boyd, Primate Politics and Guerilla Warfare what it was saying here. And I am sorry if it took it that way.
Indeed my only comment here is that the fringe group, who will violate others rights and break the law to push their agenda, is doing so at the expense of your group and indeed causing the G & L Community to look rather unfit to lead. I suggested mentoring this fringe and even using their abundant energies to propel your agenda, rather than allowing it to create such random animosity that it turns off the silent majority to listen to their reasoning.
So, in actuality one could say that I was helping their cause not hurting it, with relevant issues, observation and advice. You see, if gays and lesbians get married, who cares? Doesn’t matter to me one bit. But I just do not see it happening right now or soon if the fringe keeps setting back the voice of reason and a rational call for equal rights under the law. Pointing that fact out is hardly anti-gay, bigotry or homophobic.
Marriage, Transsexuality and Divorce
It may not seem relevant to you but some gays and lesbians have gotten sex changes so they can get married since marriage is between a man and a woman. Now if someone is already of trans sexual nature, I suppose that would make sense.
Don’t ask me how but this topic came up in online debate of gay and lesbian marriages and the civil rights. And it seems that if trans sexuals can get married why not gays and lesbian? Interesting point, but how many people are actually genetically qualified to be called transsexual? Well one person stated;
“I didn’t know what “transsexuality” meant. I didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to be a girl. I really did think I’d just become a girl as I aged. So I was pretty ignorant of some things. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t a queer kid and would have been much better off had all this been understood and accepted by people.”
Indeed and this is your story, but the 1-2% which is actually like this in any species is not the 6-8% which are calling themselves gay now or being labeled as such by peers for giving into the temptation and hormonal changes of adolescence or the new found availability of such potential partners willing to satisfy a curiosity.
All species from butterflies up have a percentage, which is dissimilar, those unique characteristics should be honored not chastised as uniqueness makes the whole stronger. Uniqueness is a good think in society; the meatheads in life just have not figured it out yet.
Yet this transsexual felt differently than science explains this phenomena; “You’re not even in the right ballpark when it comes to me. Being trans has almost nothing to do with “sexual experimentation”. Trans people are barely on the radar screen of bigots at this point — we’re still in a situation of almost total invisibility in mainstream culture although it’s certainly starting to change.”
It seems in going over this issue there is a gap between public understanding of transsexuals, their own understanding of themselves and how the biological scientific community understands these issues. So we must indeed consider all this.
Futurists, Marriage and Divorce Trends
The sanctity of marriage is said to be under fire in our nation and indeed the gay and lesbian community are often blamed by the Christians, as they complain of this problem. Marriage is considered between a man and a woman. But there is a problem brewing, one we have a politically active gay and lesbian community and within their group is a fringe element which is really seemingly out of control in many regards, using threats, extortion tactics and slanderous remarks at a drop of the hat.
You see, I am a futurist Jen, I watch trends, I see things like this in the future. Indeed my goal is to hope someone reads this and gets together to mentor the fringe so they do not take it upon themselves to take their frustration and anger to the next level and really mess things up for everyone. I am seriously worried that the gay fringe, which I mentioned has members who will commit violent acts. I see it plain as day.
All the warning signs are there it is only a matter of when. Just like before the Colombine School Shootings. But it can be prevented; I know it can. Someone needs to sit down with these folks and talk with them. When violence events like this occur they will make national news, the TV loves chaos and controversy, but it will be also at the expense of the G & L Communities goals for lawful marriage. We must be careful of this social time bomb ticking and watch closely the fringe and the trends.
Divorce – A Painful and Protracted Process
You are having a turbulent marriage life and wanted to end it. Divorce is the solution. Divorce is the word used to describe the legal dissolution of a marriage. The party who files the petition is called plaintiff. The petition for divorce is submitted with the country’s clerk office. The friend of the court receives copies of the petition to facilitate development of local policies and procedures. The defendant or the other party may dispute some of the claims by plaintiff and the case is then contested in the court of law.
The consultancy of an attorney before breaking your plans to your spouse will be a wise option. By doing so you will have a complete set of legally protected steps to follow making your position stronger and safer. You need to speak every minute detail with your attorney whether it is the matter of child custody or an issue regarding your rented accommodation. An initial consultation will allow you to ask questions, and an attorney can offer advice specific to your situation. It will help you to plan your moves strategically as well.
The attorney may also get a temporary order to maintain the similar status in relationship during the proceeding tenure of divorce. Child support and parenting time may be included in these orders.
The final judgment of divorce must include:
•Responsibilities and rights regarding the care, control and maintenance of minor children (Child custody)
•Parenting time, i.e. will the child have contact with other party
•Property Settlement, i.e. how shall the acquired property be divided
•Financial obligation of other party towards the child
•What contribution, if any, should one party make to support the other, either permanently or temporarily? (Spousal support)
•Restoration of maiden name: can wife take back her maiden name
•Will the minor children be taken away from the present state by the custodian?
•Will the grandparents be allowed to meet the children?
•How will the tax laws be considered in deciding support and property matters? Will the parties consider college expenses?
In case of involvement of minor children, the court has to wait for six months following the time of submission of divorce petition. The friend of the court may intervene during this period, and sometime the parties may reconcile.
After the completion of six months the case is scheduled for hearing before the Judge. In many cases, the matters are resolved and the court simply takes the testimony of one of the parties and grants the divorce. The divorce papers are called judgment of divorce. The judgment is prepared by attorney and is presented to the judge for his signature.
Important Tips for the People Seeking Divorce
•Seek consultancy of an attorney before breaking the news to your spouse
•Collect all critical information regarding the spouse income and assets so you can calculate a reasonable figure for spousal and/or child support in the divorce settlement
•Assess your own earnings potential, learn about your family’s financial holdings, assess the debt, and make photocopies of all the relevant records
•Determine where you are going to live following the separation and figure out all expenses
•Save up money, build up your own credit and cancel charge cards, if any
•Take property that belongs to you and move it out of the house, and don’t make any unnecessary purchases
•Pick the right time to break the news to your spouse and children
Divorce Avoidance – Part 13 – Insider Secrets of R.A.O.K.
Your about to learn of insider secrets from a 25 veteran of divorce avoidance. They are simple techniques to give you increased fresh favor in the eyes of your wife. I refer to them as Insider Secrets of R.A.O.K.
Insider Secrets of R.A.O.K. stands for Insider Secrets of Random Acts of Kindness.
My wife highly values both sameness and pleasant surprises.
When it comes to the time I depart for work and the time I return home she wants a well established routine. This produces a flow in our relationship she treasures.
At the same time when it comes to my quality sharing time with her sameness is the last thing she wants.
She wants me to treat her regularly as someone that I have rediscovered as the gorgeous girl in my life.
Knowing this I practice my R.A.O.K.’s at well chosen times.
When she has come out from the hairdressers is one such time.
I put aside everything I’m doing and take time to check out her new hairstyle in detail. I really focus on her and her new image.
Make her feel special at times like this and you will remain friends for life as you reap the harvest of Insider Secrets of
Random Acts of Kindness.
Divorce Courts and Destroying the Sanctity of the Institution of Marriage
Many straight couples are up in arms over gay marriages and the gay and lesbian associations and their communities are saying; what’s the big deal. The Christian Right is busy quoting scriptures and the Christian Fringe is calling them all “Heathen Scoundrels who will burn in hell for all of eternity.” But will gays being allowed to marry cause a destruction of the sanctity of the Institution of Marriage?
Many pro-gay marriage right folks are saying; What; Destroying the Sanctity of the Institution, forget about the 65% of all marriages end in failure. Meaning it is already thoroughly destroyed and of course this was way before any homosexuals ever got married? Will homosexuals have a lower divorce rate? Many believe so.
Speaking of which you know once gay marriage is legalized you will really be supporting the lawyers since there will now be a whole new area of family law? I can see a fringe family gay marriage lawyer in the courtroom wearing a rainbow tie and waving his hands frantically at the jury describing why their client should get more alimony? Sounds like the funny farm will be our already ridiculous courts?
Just think gay marriage will be starting a whole new industry and the ABA American Bar Association for lawyers will just love them all to pieces. Think how much money they are going to make. Well that is of gay divorces are even half of straight people divorces by percentage.
Does Your EX Want To Get Back Together?
Are you divorced, or getting ready to be divorced? Does your Ex call you more often than he or she used to? Are they acting like they want to get back together? Do you feel like you were just starting to move on with your new life when suddenly you are being pulled back into your old one?
According to my emails and letters from readers, interaction with the Ex is the number one stressor in their lives.
This is an understandable situation. It’s hard to handle all these emotions from the past when you are alone. Especially around the holidays when there are children involved. Other dynamics that come into play, causing an Ex to want to get back together, are when the new relationship gets old, and when the old wife (or husband) starts to get a new life.
This is my experience with reconciliation: unless BOTH parties go to counseling, the getting back together usually doesn’t work out. There will be a short “honeymoon” period, followed by the returning reality of the way it used to be. The same issues that drove them apart the first time will re-surface in the marriage. So if you want to get back together, find yourself a good therapist.
Think about rebuilding from a place of strength—not neediness. Before you are ready to settle down, think about the following:
* Do you have your career on track?
You always need to know that you can take care of yourself, have work that supports you financially and emotionally, and be doing something that you are proud of. Being a responsible, take-care-of-yourself person gives you confidence, makes you more attractive, and provides less of a tendency to choose someone who will lift your financial burden. Some women have bartered themselves for a gilded cage. A caged bird does not sing.
* What else can you do to fulfill your dreams?
Sit still and ask yourself what you have always wanted to do. What do people come to you for? Somewhere between those two questions, you may get on track to find your calling. Then, make plans to go back to school, get some training, take some on-line courses, get a mentor, or be an understudy with someone who has a career you want to know more about.
* Do you have a list of the non-negotiable requirements you want in a partner?
I’m not talking about eye color and height. I’m talking about the hidden agenda we all have of expectations of how someone has to be in order to share our life. Often, people don’t know what their requirements are until it is too late, because they had never thought about them.
* Do you feel emotionally strong in your life?
Take a long look at what it would take for you to feel whole and healed. Do you need counseling, addiction intervention, a visit to the doctor, or a stronger network of friends and family? Find a support group that can give you feedback and strength.
Whatever relationship you choose to be in, make sure that it supports your growth and self esteem. You want to continue to live your life surrounded by people who love you and treat you well. And with the help of a good family therapist, who knows what can happen?
Divorce – Are You Heading Towards It? Test Now
Divorce is not like a volcano. One fine day, we find that a volcano has erupted. Divorce happens over a period of time. The relationship breaks down continuously and we realize that life can no longer be lived together. Many couples wake up when the break down has become total. That becomes very difficult to save the marriage. After that they spend endless nights worrying about what to do – To go for divorce or not? Why not to take care of the relationship today and find out how it is and what care it needs. What changes will make it better? And improve it before it reaches the brink?
Ask questions such as – Am I happy in my marriage/ Is my partner happy? Am I emotionally satisfied? What about my partner? Is marriage giving us joy or pain? Are we still in love? Is one of us feeling victimized? Shall we grow together till our old age? Are we loyal to each other? What kind of relationship do we share now? Are we feeling sick of each other? And so on. Raise as many questions about your marriage, yourself and your partner as you can think of. Take some online tests and quizzes on marriage and relationship. That will give lot of thought to your mind.
As you think of questions, you will start thinking more deeply about where you are heading. Find out all that is going wrong. Try to improve that. Discuss with your partner about what you think. Find out all that is going right. Make it still better. Think, plan and act. Before thinking, test your marriage in all the possible ways. Wake up now. Tomorrow may be too late.
Divorce + Anger = Very Very Bad
There are many times when anger can be a very good thing.
Periodically, when you experience anger (especially if you are able to always maintain control) you may find it can lead to passion, commitment and determination.
Anger can also lead to stubborn, pig-headed and unreasonable as well.
Anger can be good and it can be bad but as a general rule of thumb, anger never mixes well with a divorce.
Divorce is a brutal business. It ranks right up there among the five most stressful things a person can experience in a lifetime. Regardless if you are the one that left, or the one that remains behind, you are undoubtedly very hurt and confused with lots of unanswered questions.
One of the keys to getting past messy divorce is learning how to deal with the anger. Emotions are raw enough during a divorce. If you allow yourself to become angry during a conversation with an ex, you can be assured that it will only be a matter of time before something is said that you will both regret.
Just because the ex maybe getting mad or upset at you, does not mean you should return the favor in kind.
If you are talking with your spouse on the telephone about a particularly difficult topic and you want to remain calm, imagine that your child is standing right next to you, watching and hearing everything you say and do. Would you like your child to have this image of you? Would you like them to remember you this way?
Divorce
Ending a marriage is not a simple process. Sometimes there can be a lot of heartache especially if there are children involved and if one party cannot except that the marriage is over.
In a divorce case the person asking the court for the divorce is called a “plaintiff” and, the other partner is called the “respondent”.
In order to divorce, the couple must have been married for at least a year and, one party must show that the marriage has broken down irretrievably using one of the following reasons. These reasons are called “grounds”.
* Separation of at least five years.
* Separation of at least two years with the consent of respondent to the divorce.
* The respondent’s adultery
* The respondent’s unreasonable behaviour
* The respondent’s desertion amounting to two years or more.
If there are no children, the divorce can be straight-forward where the respondent simply signs and walks away. This process should take under six months.
How does the process work?
Set below are guidelines of how the process of filing a divorce works. This is a factual guideline and should be used as just that. If you are thinking about going through the divorce procedure then it is strongly recommended that you seek professional legal advice from a qualified solicitor.
Divorce proceedings work by, firstly, the plaintiff filing the court with the marriage certificate and divorce petition.
The court then officially receipts the papers and sends the divorce petition and a notice of proceedings to the respondent.
The respondent signs and returns the consent form, and appropriate documents, then sends them back to the court.
The court then sends the plaintiff more documents including an affidavit which must be signed at a solicitors office or at the court. (An affidavit is a sworn statement detailing the evidence of an irretrievable breakdown which will be used in court as evidence.)
The case is then heard by the district judge, and if satisfied, he/she will set out a date for the decree nisi.
The plaintiff is able to ask the court to declare the decree absolute six weeks and a day after the issue of the decree nisi. This is done by filling in a form and sending it to the court.
The decree absolute is issued, and in the eyes of the law, the marriage is over.
When to Use a Divorce Lawyer and When to Avoid One
The topic of divorce is never pleasant and usually painful, but if you find yourself at the end of a marriage, it may be your only logical options. Individuals choose to enter divorce proceedings for a variety of reasons, but usually the more civil these proceedings the better. A divorce lawyer can be incredibly useful for representing you regarding divisions of assets and property and in the event of custody proceedings.
Not everyone needs to solicit the aid of a divorce lawyer, so carefully consider whether you should consider a lawyer in your specific situation. Since each case is different, there is no blanket statement regarding who should use a divorce lawyer and who can forgo the presence of one. You do not necessarily need the help of a divorce lawyer to successfully enter and complete divorce proceedings, but in many cases, their presence and expertise can help immensely through this difficult process.
Depending on your specific situation, you may not need the assistance of a divorce lawyer. That does not mean you should put any less importance or thought into the proceedings than an individual who chooses to hire a lawyer. Many individuals forego hiring a divorce lawyer because they can come up with an agreeable situation between themselves and a former spouse.
Even though your marriage may be ending, remember both parties are adults and should act as such. Individuals who are able to remain mature about the situation and have realistic wants and needs are more capable of handing proceedings without needing a lawyer.
If you choose not to solicit the assistance of a lawyer, carefully consider all potential issues that may arise between you and your former spouse. The two of you should arrange a meeting to discuss all issues before the date of the divorce proceedings so all terms and conditions are clearly determined.
Also, you may need to meet with a neutral third party mediator so that everyone remains focused at the task at hand. Couples who are able to calmly and deliberately discuss any necessary issues regarding the divorce are more apt to have problems later down the road. Most couples are able to discuss the terms of their divorce without needing to involve lawyers.
If you are concerned about your safety or afraid of your former spouse, it will probably be in your best interest to hire a lawyer and let that individual deal with him or her directly. You will still need to make any necessary decisions, but will not have to directly speak to your former spouse.
If there is any problem of abuse—physical, sexual, or verbal—in the relationship, a lawyer should be hired immediately. Furthermore, if you fear for the safety of any children or dependants in your home life, a lawyer be hired for their best interest as well. Furthermore, if your spouse is acting cruel or dishonest towards you or anyone else in the household, hiring a lawyer will help take the focus off you in this situation.
Another reason to hire a lawyer is if your spouse does so first. It is severely discouraged to enter into divorce proceedings against a lawyer if you have no experience in the field of law yourself. Hiring a lawyer will protect your best interests and ensure your wants and needs are taken care of in a court of law. This is especially true if children are involved, as custody cases are often complicated and should be handled by a professional.
If you find yourself wanting to hire a lawyer but financially unable to do so, speak with the legal aid office of your county courthouse. These offices coordinate clients with lawyers who will work at reduced fees or for no cost at all (pro bono). If you know a lawyer through family or friend connections, seek their help and guidance. Many legal acquaintances will be able to provide you with legal information for minimal or no charge.
However, if the lawyer in question shares a relationship with both you and your former spouse, it is strongly recommended you avoid bringing this person into any potential dispute. Making the decision whether or not to hire a lawyer to assist with your divorce proceedings is a critical decision that should be made using a clear head and deliberate thought.
Divorce in America – Why?
In American Society, people want only what is good for themselves, even if it’s not the best for someone else. Society has changed from the importance of family to the importance of me. Statistics on marriage and divorce show that Americans have gotten lazier and more self-absorbed. This may explain why the U.S. has the highest divorce rate and the highest rate of solo parenting in the Western world. People have the attitude, “If the marriage doesn’t work, I can get a divorce,” because it’s easier to fill out paperwork than to put in the time and effort to make the marriage work.
While there are many different reasons for divorce, a few are common: poor communication, financial issues, lack of commitment, infidelity and a change in priorities. With the exception of financial issues, the reasons point to the selfish attitude of one or more people in the relationship. Communication is only a problem when someone doesn’t want to listen. Commitment to the marriage requires work and compromise, words that are not found in the lazy, egotistical American dictionary. Sneaking out on a spouse to be fulfilled by someone else is not only dishonest, but selfish. People that cheat are looking for a quick fix to make themselves happier all while disregarding the feelings of their partner. Changing priorities is also a quick fix. People who give up on marriage feel that it can’t be changed for the better, so they concentrate on changing something else in their lives, like concentrating on work or a new hobby. Having something else to concentrate their energy on creates temporary happiness and a way to escape the troubles at home.
According to The State of Our Unions, 2005, marriages have declined 50% from 1970, because more people are choosing cohabitation, or living together without a legal commitment, over marriage. Marriage is being replaced by cohabitation because it requires less of a commitment. Cohabitating couples have twice the breakup rate of married couples because there is less reason to work on the relationship. With cohabitation people don’t have to worry about the legal repercussions of divorce and leaving is as easy as packing. Studies have proved that cohabitating before marriage increases the chances of divorce up to 85%, so even if live-in couples eventually marry, it is likely that they will divorce.
Parents don’t take the needs of their children into consideration over their own needs as often as they should. 40% of cohabitating couples bring children into the relationship, creating less stability for the children and teaching them that relationships don’t require commitment. Children from divorce are more likely to develop social problems and their grades are 20% lower than students living with both parents. The U.S. has the lowest number of children who grow up with both biological parents among Western nations, 63%.
Society should value family over the individual. The American attitude needs to be changed because commitment and responsibility are becoming second to personal needs. If people thought of “us” more then “me,” there would be more happy marriages. People need to accept that relationships take time and work, not only for themselves, but for the well-being of their children.
Divorce: How To Put Your Life Back Together When It’s Been Turned Upside Down
If you are divorced, do you feel upside down? Does anything look the way it used to?
Before your divorce, did you put on a happy face when you went out in public, even though your life was falling apart? Did you try to portray the perfect life: a happy family and the ideal marriage?
For many people going through a divorce, the reality of their home life was something quite different from what was portrayed to the world. Then, when they went out on their own and tried to make a clean start of it, the outside world judged them as having made a mess of their life.
Feeling good about yourself is difficult when everything as you know it has been turned upside down, and others are judging you negatively.
Getting your life back together after the divorce is very much like cleaning house. You have the rugs steam cleaned; the furniture moved in order to sweep and mop under it; and the laundry done. You wash the windows, paint the walls, and get rid of the worn-out or unnecessary collected litter. In the middle of the process, your house looks like a bomb went off. Now imagine that a friend stops by, sees the total disorder, and moans, ‘Oh no! You look like a national disaster!’ But that’s the way a house looks when you clean it deeply. You have to take it all apart to put it back together with integrity.
That is what happens when you get your life turned right side up. You are eliminating the lies, false presentations, and negative energy. You are taking care of what is worthwhile and getting rid of what doesn’t work anymore.
Find your support system.
Surround yourself with people who mirror to you who you are, what your strengths are, and who see the good in you. How we see ourselves is a reflection of the people we interact with in our daily lives.
Clean out the clutter.
Keep what is good for you or your children, but withdraw from the situations, places or things that pull you back into the old negative world. Do a massive cleaning of your home and work place and remove the clutter. Do the tasks, one at a time, you have been putting off doing.
Get rid of the drainers.
Wean yourself from those people in your life who leave you feeling tired, inadequate, or depressed. Make a conscious effort to cultivate people who contribute to your feeling hopeful and optimistic every time you are in their presence.
Set stronger limits to help you feel safe
Learn your personal balance points. It’s critical to your well-being to know you can get back in balance when you are spending inordinate amounts of time in one area and not enough in others. Honor that voice inside when it says, “Enough is enough.”
Develop proactive boundaries.
It is self-preserving to do those things that head off problems before they arise. For example, give yourself 10 minutes of quiet time after work, before you deal with supper and children.
Maintain your reactive boundaries.
Do not take the bait when someone provokes you to anger and argument. Stay calm and in control of yourself while you sort it out, thinking through the important points you want to make, and the requests you might have.
Setting your house in order and turning your life back around takes energy, courage, and support. But it will put a smile on your face. Only this smile will be different from the old one you used to have. This one will be real.
Divorce: The History Of It Needn’t Stay With You For Life
So you’ve just finalized your divorce and you’re looking forward to a life without your Ex.
You are however still carrying the scars that goes with a history of at best a sad relationship and at worst a traumatic one.
Most people believe that they just have to live with this history and move on. Yes, there are some that find themselves entering into therapy to try and understand what happened so that they will not repeat the past.
There are many who also “think” that it’s important to have this unfortunate history of events stored in memory believing that it will somehow help them avoid the same pitfalls in the future.
As a trained psychiatrist and psychotherapist for over 25 years it is my view that neither therapy nor holding onto this history will serve you any useful purpose.
I am so convinced of this that I left the paradigm of psychiatry and psychotherapy altogether 4 years ago. I just wasn’t working and I was looking for a more effective approach to really help individuals in their lives.
I developed a new modality called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) (MRP) that effectively helps one completely release negative emotions, beliefs and memories, from the mind and body where they are stored.
You see when a trauma is stored in the mind or body it becomes unconsciously held and this has the effect of not only limiting you emotionally it also acts to parasitically steal your vital life energy.
Another way of saying this is that it is killing you! In other words all the negative experiences that you’ve had in your life act to drain you of your vital life energy. This compromises you both emotionally and physically over time.
To see this for yourself just recall a negative memory even one that you’ve worked on in therapy and notice how you feel as you think about it. Probably not very good.
What’s more, if you read my article entitled “Family: The Psychic Effects Of Your Anger On Others” you will learn why it’s important to address such left over emotions.
So you see, even if you never see or think about your Ex ever again the “imprint” of the traumatic life history you had together goes on affecting you in a way that you never even considered. Of course that’s the most optimal scenario isn’t it?
In most cases the trauma remains fresh for years to come. The effects of course being that much more destructive.
MRP has been shown to help individuals quickly reclaim the vital life energy, self confidence, self esteem, and self worth, and peace of mind that comes with a rapid and effective release of all of that traumatic history.
If you’d like to know more about MRP or to arrange an introductory consultation kindly visit the web link below.
Divorce: Can It Be Avoided?
If two individuals are intent on trying one last time to make their relationship work then there is a way.
A relationship is just like a person. It stores within it the sum total of all the memories that make it up. After all when individuals talk about their relationship what do they talk about if it’s not what happened to them i.e. their history.
It is the same history that each partner uses against the other and against the relationship to justify why it is worth leaving.
Without such information one would be hard pressed to make a case for or against a relationship. This would present a clean slate from which to create something totally fresh, would it not?
Now I know that you’re probably thinking that this sounds a bit dubious at best. I would like to let you know that I have worked with individuals this way for over ten years with very promising results so please try to keep an open mind as you read on.
Now just a word of caution here first. Individuals who enter into a relationship always bring with them the history of their lives that preceded that relationship. This history includes other relationship experiences which are either helpful or not.
In order for a failing relationship to start afresh it also becomes necessary to address destructive relational patterns that already pre-existed in each individual.
Even if a divorce takes place it becomes imperative that the corresponding individuals address this history adequately so that they don’t carry it into the next relationship.
When this happens history tends to repeat itself and in the process consumes an individual’s life leaving them sad, untrusting and cynical.
So in order to redeem a current failing relationship three things are necessary:
1. Two individuals in integrity who are committed to trying again.
2. The effective release of the negative memories of the current relationship from the minds/bodies of each individual.
3. The effective release of any negative relational patterns that each individual brought into the relationship at its inception.
Part 1 must come from the individuals. Here love is the key to integrity and commitment. If its there great. If not it becomes exceedingly more difficult to make this work.
Parts 2 and 3 can be addressed quickly and easily with a new process called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) (MRP).
MRP helps individuals clear all traumatic memories that the couple hold within them.
It is just such memories that fuel negative feelings against the other and against the continuation of the relationship itself.
Such memories can be released in a way that helps restore the genuine love that the individuals had for each other initially.
What’s more it can facilitate the necessary emotional growth that such individuals needed before they even entered this relationship.
So what is being said here is that not only are they able to start afresh, they become more capable and mature individuals.
This makes the fresh experience more rewarding and the new relationship more resilient.
If you and your partner are going through a tough time and you feel inspired to experience what MRP can do for you kindly visit the web link below and consider arranging an introductory consultation
Divorce: Tired Of Repeating The Same Old Bad Habits?
Divorce usually happens because individuals exhibit relationship habits that are destructive to their partner, to the relationship and therefore to themselves.
Such habits include some of the following:
1. Being too needy.
2. Being too controlling.
3. Being too dependent.
4. Being too passive.
5. Being too aggressive.
6. Needing too much attention.
7. Being too afraid to make your own decisions.
8. Being unable to say no when it’s required.
9. Having extra marital affairs.
10. Attracting the wrong kind of partner.
11. Being attracted to the wrong kind of partner.
12. Trying to rescue your partner.
13. Needing validation from your partner.
14. Not being discerning about your choice in partner.
15. Using sex as a way of choosing your partner.
16. Being unable to be honest and open and so on.
If you’re one of those individuals who have experienced a series of failed relationships you’ll likely recognize some of these habits in your repertoire.
It’s interesting how they keep repeating themselves only to be discovered after the fact or not at all.
Where do they come from, why are they inside you and what can you do to get rid of them once and for all?
Well believe it or not they became conditioned or imprinted inside you as a result of your early life experience. They are stored deep in the mind/body as relational habits that most therapies are challenged to unearth.
The reason they continue to remain inside you is because they have come to form what you call your personality. Most therapists believe that personality characteristics are difficult if not impossible to change.
Well with that kind of belief where does that leave you other than stuck with what you’ve got?
Well there is a way to become permanently free of this conditioning.
The conditioning is anchored inside you by deep beliefs that you hold unconsciously. A new modality called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) (MRP) has the ability to quickly and easily release these beliefs so that you can then release the offending habit.
When this happens you are left feeling free, unstuck, more aware of all the decisions that you make and with the ability to be in charge of your behavioral choices in ways that you never thought possible before.
This means that you will essentially be growing into a capable and mature adult who is ready for a healthy relationship that will be resilient and fulfilling.
Choosing Love After Divorce
A frequent question I often ask divorced single clients is “At what point did you know that your marriage was over?” Almost without exception, they say, “I guess I knew it immediately.”
Unfortunately, many of us make choices that we live to regret. Would you like to know how to choose a love that lasts? For many people it is elusive.
Recently, I had a conversation with a gentleman in his late sixties. When I posed the above question to him about his former marriage, he said, “In retrospect, I don’t think either of us really wanted each other. I had been rejected by several girls and she had been disappointed in love a couple of times. We just sort of drifted together because we both thought it was time to get married, settle down, and have a family. I don’t think one realizes at that age the enormous pressure to fit in with your peers. Thirty-five years later, she left me. She told me she had never loved me.”
What comprises that special something that glues couples together for the long haul?
There are five major areas to understand before you can have a reasonable chance of creating a marriage that works:
Self awareness.
If you are living from your strengths, giving attention to your emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual needs, and staying connected to those who matter to you, you are standing on a solid base. It takes time to develop your own vision for your life, but if you are flowing with ideas of what you want and how you are going to achieve it, and you are not looking for someone else to fulfill those needs, you are a strong candidate for a happy marriage.
Requirements.
It is imperative that you become clear about the qualities you absolutely must have or cannot put up with in another. Most marriages fail because both people discovered too late that the other one had traits they could not live with. It is wise to take some time and make a list of the top ten non-negotiable requirements you have to have in a partner. Write them down and keep them in mind when you are meeting potential dates and mates.
Character assessment.
Integrity is the foundation for a relationship that lasts. Within two dates, you need to be able to tell if someone lies, cheats, steals, or has other character disorders. Be watchful for the red flags of those traits as well as someone with a volatile temperament. Uncontrollable anger is a large reason for marital breakups. A relationship with someone with a poor character will never work—until they seek and get help for their problems themselves. To think that someone is going to change because they are in love with you is to set yourself up to be terminally disappointed in life.
Attitude.
Having a similar attitude about life is helpful, as well as sharing the same energy level. But attitudes that are negative are almost impossible to work with. Pay attention if the person you are interested in wears a cloak of “poor me.” Does trouble follow them wherever they go? If so, do you want to invite that into your life? Other attitudes to be alert for are a “better than everyone else” arrogance, and a chip on the shoulder.
Equality.
This area can cover a wide range of values and interests. Major ones to look for are intellect, education, and religious background. You may not need your future partner to make as much money as you do or be as successful in their work, but it may be essential that you share an equal intellect so you can have conversations that will last a lifetime.
We are all challenged to find answers to the problems that arise from families and children going through divorce. And though critics often point the finger at it being too easy to get a divorce, perhaps it is not divorce itself that is the origin of difficulty for those involved. Perhaps the problem began with knowing how to choose from an informed place as well as from the heart.
How to Heal from a Painful Divorce
You probably thought your thought your life and your marriage were going along quite well. Yes, there were challenges and difficulties, but you really believed the good outweighed the bad. Through the ups and downs you hung in, hoping in time that your partner would see the light and decide to treat you with love and respect. You hoped in time that you would be able to live the dreams that you held precious in your heart of hearts.
Then came the ugly word DIVORCE. You were shocked! You cried. You pleaded. You begged for another chance, but the answer was still NO. Divorce papers were served. You were left picking up the pieces of a life you thought you shared.
So, now it’s time to go forward. You read magazine articles, you gather books, you talk to your family and friends, you find a therapist, you join a support group and you buy new clothes. Through it all you may feel empty and alone, sometimes worthless, sometimes angry, sometimes scared of the future.
You find yourself wondering, “What does it take to really heal?” As a psychotherapist, I deal with people every day who are going through emotional pain like yours. I’m writing these healing steps for you, because I want you to know that the choices you make in this healing process will literally determine the quality of your future life.
1. Give yourself permission to grieve. Going through divorce is like grieving the death of your relationship, your dreams and your future together. Let yourself really feel the emotional pain and move through it naturally by journaling about your feelings and crying the tears that need to be cried.
2. Hold on to your intention to heal, forgive, and move forward. Divorce can be very painful for a time, but having the intention to forgive and move forward helps you to learn what you need to learn and start over in a new way, instead of being angry and bitter for the rest of your life! Remember that your divorce could be the best thing that ever happened to you if you choose to use it as an opportunity for emotional healing and personal growth.
3. Create a healthy support system of true friends who support your personal growth through this experience. Who you choose as friends at this time could easily make the difference between staying stuck in the anger and pain for the rest of your life or moving forward to create a whole new life for yourself! If you want a positive future, choose friends who help you grow!
If You Think Divorce is the Only Option, Read on
Going through the Pain Barrier
Nobody likes pain but its there for a purpose. I am a long time supporter of The Leprosy Mission and one of the things that I’ve discovered about leprosy is that its not normally the disease that results in a persons fingers or toes falling off, it’s the fact that the disease of leprosy stops a person being able to feel pain and so they will unconsciously burn themselves badly and not feel it. The nerve endings have been damaged and so they cannot feel pain at all and the results, more often than not, are the hideous deformities that we now associate with a leper. A leper would love to feel pain because they know that pain is given to us to warn our bodies that something is wrong that needs put right, if possible. Pain is not always a bad thing.
I run marathons. Do you think I feel pain when I run a marathon? You bet I do! A marathon is one of the supreme tests of endurance that average people can undertake. During the run your body uses up all its stores of carbohydrates and other necessary body fuels and then begins to feed off itself – it turns cannibal, if you like. This is painful. As well as that, it is not uncommon to pull a muscle, develop a blister, get a stitch, hurt your joints or any other number of painful ailments. Your body is telling you to stop, this is damaging to it! In this context, pain is your body’s natural way to tell you that you are overdoing it – and of course you are. However, all of us can ‘overdo it’ for a lot longer than we think is possible initially. We can learn to acknowledge the pain and, whilst taking steps to minimise it, we can still run on and on. Mind over matter if you like.
One of the great acts of heroism I ever witnessed was during an Olympic marathon when the Tanzanian representative fell during the race badly injuring himself. He got up and struggled on in obvious pain whilst all the other runners disappeared up the road in front of him. It was demoralising for him but he refused to give up. He struggled on and entered the stadium with only a few people still left in the stands to cheer him home. He finished the race with blood pouring from his leg wound just as they were taking down the finishing line and a television reporter asked why he hadn’t just given up after falling so badly. His response was brilliant. He replied, “My country did not send me here to start a race. They sent me to finish a race!” Too many of us start the race but are not so committed to finishing.
I am firmly convinced that if a couple acknowledge to each other that there will be times of pain then they will be better able to cope with it for a period when it happens. In the western world, we have been brought up with this strange belief that we should never suffer and so, when we inevitably do hit times of suffering, we have not prepared ourselves to handle it properly. I have a friend who lectures on philosophy in universities in many third world countries. He says that one question he is never asked in third world countries is, “Why does God allow suffering?” The reason for this is that suffering is just such a normal part of their lives that they cannot imagine that anyone doesn’t suffer. In fact it’s the suffering that makes them into the people they are. Can you accept that suffering makes you a better person?
Here are five things we can do when we feel pain in our relationship:-
1. We need to acknowledge that there is pain and try to isolate what is causing it.
As we have said already in regard to the lepers, pain has a purpose. It tells us that something is not right. When we feel pain in our relationship we need to stop and analyse why we are feeling that particular pain. When I was an accountant and had a bit more money at my disposal, one of the things I would do when I felt some pain in my marriage was to throw a bit of money at it. We’d take a holiday, go for a nice meal, buy some new clothes, get our hair done up (well at least my wife would do this). Now, if you’ve got the resources, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with any of these things but we need to be aware that by distracting our minds for a little while from the cause of the pain it doesn’t make the pain go away long term. It only puts a plaster over a wound that needs treatment. However, all we were doing by throwing money at our problems was delaying the inevitable and sooner or later we would have a big argument.
It’s a bit like developing a toothache. Sure, you can dull the pain by putting some painkilling drug on your gum but if the cause of the pain is not dealt with, we know that it will flare up again, and next time even more painfully. Indeed if we kept on ignoring the pain then it might result in a tooth being removed. What started out as a simple toothache resulted in surgery. Not good.
In marriage there are a number of ways of figuring out what is causing the pain. Most of them common sense. You could try just talking to each other. Now there’s a novel suggestion! You could try doing the simple exercises in chapter 2 of this book and then discussing the results. You could talk to a professional counsellor who is trained to get to the bottom of painful issues. Whatever you decide to do it is crucial that you do something and do not ignore your pain. Once again the keyword is action.
2. The second thing we can try when pain rears its probing head is something that might seem very obvious but it is worth stating again just in case you miss it. Make sure that the pain you feel is associated with your marriage and not something else, like your job or even your children. So often we can be under pressure at our work and then come home and take it out on our partner. This is called displacing the pain. One of the things that I had to learn to do was to actually say to my wife, when I came home after a particularly hard day at work, that I was feeling stressed and tired. At first it felt like a confession of weakness and it wasn’t easy for me to admit that sometimes I wasn’t coping as well as I’d like to pretend. When I admitted as much to my wife, almost every time she was able to understand and take a bit more of the household pressure for a short time.
On other occasions the pressure was in the other direction and after a hard day of dealing with young children my wife would sometimes take out her frustrations on me. If I failed to recognise that this was happening the result could easily be a full-blown argument over pain that had been displaced. It is very important to be able to admit to feeling under pressure and to ask for some help from your spouse. If you don’t, the pain you feel elsewhere will automatically come out in your marriage.
3. The third thing to fix in your mind and believe is that pain is not a signal that your marriage is over.
When I’m running a marathon I need to keep reminding myself that pain is a totally natural for this event and expected part of the race. I do not give up at the first twinge or even at quite severe pain. I battle through it. Of course, I have to put up with some pain if I want to finish the race. One thing that drives me nuts these days is when I read a report in a newspaper of the latest celebratory couple who have split up citing ‘irreconcilable differences’ as the cause. What they are really saying is that they encountered a wee bit pain and so just gave up! Usually they live such a pampered lifestyle that any sort of pain is just not acceptable and so they walk away (to repeat the exercise with someone else). Do not succumb to this modern malaise. If you never learn how to put up with a bit of pain, every relationship you enter into will head down the same path. If you don’t believe me, just check out the marriages in Hollywood. Don’t become a quitter. Pain is not the end – it’s a sign that something needs to be done. In fact, it can be a beginning if you let it.
4. Stop focusing on the pain.
Whatever you focus on will begin to define who you are. If all you can see are the bad things in your marriage it won’t be long until your marriage accurately reflects your focus. In a marathon, if I keep thinking about how painful it is, there is a big temptation to give up. So what I do is to try and focus on more pleasant things such as the scenery, the joy of running, the anticipation of finishing, other runners (especially those who dress up in stupid outfits), anything to divert my attention from the pain for a little while. It’s amazing how often the pain is actually more mental than physical. I believe that the same thing can be achieved in marriage. Instead of focusing on the toothpaste lid or the toilet seat (to quote just two clichés) why not focus on your partner’s great sense of humour or their willingness to always switch off the lights or any of a hundred other endearing qualities? It’s amazing how trivial the irritations become when you remove them from the centre of your focus.
Try this simple exercise. Take a very small coin and hold it arms length between your finger and thumb. Does it block out much of the view behind it? No, obviously it doesn’t. Now bring the coin up closer and closer to your eye and close the other eye. What happens? It blocks your view almost completely, doesn’t it? It’s only a small coin but it can completely obliterate your view if you let it. Often the same thing happens in marriage. You can forget all the tremendous blessings you have together and focus on the one tiny fault until it takes over and dominates your thinking. Don’t allow it to do so. Now, what you’ve just read might sound like a contradiction to point 1 but its not. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting here that you bury your head in the sand regarding pain in your marriage but what I am saying is to make sure that the thing you think is causing you pain is actually as bad as you are making out. Have you just become so used to whining about something that it has come to dominate your thinking unnecessarily? Don’t let a small pain obliterate your view of a great marriage.
5. Share the Pain
Can I just remind you of something? You are married. It’s okay to share the hard things with your spouse. Remember the vows that you took? “For better and for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.” Perhaps you’ve always felt that you had to be strong and support your spouse and so when you feel pain what do you do? Pretend it’s not sore? Tell him/her that you can cope? Why don’t you just admit that you’re finding something tough and ask for their support? It might be the very thing that draws you together. Share , share, share.
As I draw to the end of this chapter I want to leave you with an amusing story.
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there’s couple who have been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. “That poor old couple.” As the old man began eating his French fries, a young man stood up and walked to the old couples’ table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just
fine. They were used to sharing everything and, anyway, their appetites were not what they used to be.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn’t eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked one last time if he could buy them one more meal.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?” She answered, ………… “The teeth!”
Aaaagghhh! Yes I know it’s disgusting, but its probably not a true story and anyway it does illustrate the principle of sharing in a way that you will not forget. Will you?
Back to pain. As I said in the opening sentence, nobody enjoys pain. However, if you can just acknowledge what it is trying to tell you, but not allow it to knock you off track, then your marriage will survive and grow.
Effects Of Divorce; What Should You Consider When You’re Thinking About Divorce?
More often than not people decide to get a divorce before they really think about the effects of divorce. People usually decide to get a divorce based on emotion rather than logic which can hinder their long term happiness.
Still, there are those that make their decision about getting a divorce by taking into account the effects that divorce can have on everyone involved. Some effects of divorce can be positive depending on your situation even though ‘divorce’ is usually seen in a negative light. The effects of divorce are far too many to list here so let’s concentrate on effects of divorce that seem most apparent and that address making a decision about divorce.
Obviously one of the most common effects of divorce is how the divorce will change the money flow for the people involved in the divorce. A change in cash flow affects the freedom we have and it can change the lifestyle we have. A change in housing, work, travel, shopping, etc., make people stop and think about how deeply “money” will have on their life after divorce. While a “change in money flow” is a consideration and a true hard effect of divorce, there’s other effects that might carry greater weight in the decision making process.
An effect of divorce that some people need to consider is the change that children will need to go through if a divorce occurs. Children can be strong during this time, but it is up to the parents to make sure the transition is as painless as possible. Some people actually stay in unhappy marriages solely because of the fact that there are children involved. The change children go through as an effect of divorce is complex…if you are curious as to how to ensure this transition is as painless as possible for your children, educate yourself and possibly seek professional advice.
‘”Fear”, as an effect of divorce?’
Yes, fear is a real live effect that divorce can have on some people. Fear of loss…fear of the unknown…fear of lack of self confidence…fear of change…fear of a depreciation in emotional health…etc. The list goes on and on. Combating fear is a difficult thing to do but in conquering fear you will be one step further to your goal of emotional health.
Not all seemingly negative things or events in life are truly 100% negative. If you’ve been divorced, are currently going through a divorce, or are deciding about getting a divorce, you have a rare opportunity to use the experience to grow emotionally and increase your inner-strength.
The effects of divorce and how you label them (positively or negatively) will be determined by how you act while going through the divorce and what your focus is after the divorce is over.
You should want to look back and identify the positive effects of divorce as they pertain to your own situation.
Having “positive self reflection” when the dust settles is a goal that, if attained, will make you feel good about yourself. When you’re looking back on the experience of divorce or the decision process of divorce, you want to be able to answer the following question positively. “Did I grow emotionally and personally during this tumultuous time?” The effects of divorce are far reaching…look inward and plan accordingly.
Top Ten Reasons to Use Parenting Plan Mediation in Divorce
1. The best predictor of the well being of children involved in a divorce is the amount of conflict between parents. In mediation, conflicts are more likely to be resolved, resulting in a more peaceful post-divorce family life.
2. Mediation helps parents create truly thoughtful and child-focused parenting plans that are tailor-made to suit their children’s changing emotional, developmental and temperamental needs as well as the family’s schedule.
3. By thinking through and discussing the parenting plan, possible problems can be identified and resolved before the final judgment is entered by the court.
4. Mediation creates opportunities for parents to work together and build on their strengths as they redefine the parental unit within the family. Parents who can model good conflict resolution skills for their children raise children with better conflict resolution skills.
5. A detailed parenting plan sends a message between the parents and others, including the children, new partners, school and court personnel that parenting is an important priority for both parents, even if one parent assumes more hands-on time with the children.
6. A detailed and thorough parenting plan pre-empts back and forth, ‘He Said/She Said,’ arguments if differing views of the co-parenting history emerge.
7. Agreements, including modifications, create a record, or ‘paper trail,’ of what was mutually agreed to when one or both parties were thinking more clearly about the issues involved in successful and co-operative co-parenting.
8. A detailed parenting plan sets forth a method to resolve differences without going to court in case you need to modify the parenting plan when things change, or if new partners, or reluctant children, want to unilaterally change the plan.
9. When co-parents deviate from the parenting plan and then fall into disagreement, a detailed parenting plan provides a useful backup plan until they return to mediation.
10. Mediation provides both parents with the opportunity to explore co-parenting issues with an objective third-party neutral who is a professional trained in children’s developmental needs and is knowledgeable about the research on children’s adjustment to separation and divorce.
Divorce Lawyers – What to Look for in a Divorce Attorney
Choosing the right divorce attorney should consist of more than picking the first listing in the telephone book. The person chosen to represent your divorce has the assignment of settling intricate cases that involve assets, property, custody, etc. If you have a lot to lose, reasonableness is necessary when picking a divorce attorney. Here are a few tips to help you make the right choice when selecting an attorney for your divorce proceedings.
Seasoned Divorce Attorneys vs. Inexperienced Attorneys
Attorneys are pricey. For this matter, many people try and avoid any type of litigation. When money is an issue, individuals may hire lawyers that charge less for their services. On the other hand, some individuals with a sizeable income may prefer expensive or renowned lawyers.
The assumption is that high-priced or veteran lawyers can do a better job representing your case. This claim is unsupported. When choosing a divorce attorney, take into consideration a lawyer’s track record. For example, an experienced or costly lawyer may have few wins in court, whereas a somewhat new divorce attorney may have several lines of attack that assure a victory in court.
The best way to gauge an attorney’s winning record is to ask. The initial consultation presents an opportunity. Pertinent questions to ask include: how long have you been practicing law? Do you have courtroom experience? What percentage of divorce proceeding have you successfully settled? Above all, divorce attorneys must have knowledge and understanding of family law, and be familiar with current state laws.
Choose a Divorce Lawyer that is Trustworthy and Likeable
Friends and family are usually eager to recommend a divorce attorney. This is helpful when looking for a trustworthy attorney. A divorce attorney’s reputation should be a prime concern. Some attorneys have a reputation of being indifferent or unresponsive to the needs of their client. Furthermore, there are attorneys with horrible customer service. Divorce proceedings are a lengthy process. Thus, clients should anticipate frequent communication with their attorney. If attorney and client cannot see eye-to-eye, the process will seem exceptionally long and grueling. To obtain reliable recommendations, ask your attorney to supply character references from previous clients.
Protecting Your Assets In Divorce
Wisconsin law provides some financial protection for spouses who are in the process of divorcing. The law prohibits divorcing parties from doing the following:
Harassing, intimidating, physically abusing, or imposing any restraint on the personal liberty of the other party or any child of either party;
Encumbering, concealing, damaging, destroying, transferring, or otherwise disposing of property owned by either party without a court order or consent of the other party;
Removing a minor child of the parties from the state for more than 90 days, changing the residence of a minor child of the parties to another state or to a location more than 150 miles away from the other party, and concealing a minor child of the parties from the other party,.
The prohibitions apply to the petitioner (the person who files for divorce) as soon as the action is filed, and to the respondent as soon as he or she is served with the summons and petition. The petition must inform the respondent that the prohibitions are in effect.
The law creates some exceptions to the general prohibition against disposing of property. A spouse who operates a business may continue to make decisions to encumber or dispose of property “in the usual course of business.” Any spouse may expend funds to “secure necessities” — i.e., pay for living expenses — and to pay attorney’s fees. A spouse who disposes of funds during the pendency of a divorce action should be able to account for his or her use of the funds, to prove that they were expended for an approved purpose.
Karen Goebel, a University of Wisconsin-Extension family financial specialist, encourages divorcing parties to take the initiative to protect their assets during the pendency period, rather than relying on the statute. “Divorce proceedings often extend over a significant period of time,” she points out. “If one spouse is irresponsible or vindictive, there may be a much smaller pool of assets for the court to divide at the end of the action than there was at the beginning.”
The property subject to the presumption of an equal division at divorce includes a much larger pool of property than the property (“marital property”) that is shared by the couple during marriage. While property acquired by a spouse prior to the marriage is classified as “individual property” and is not shared by the other spouse during the marriage, this property is divisible at divorce. Only gifted or inherited property, or property specifically awarded to a spouse pursuant to a valid marital property agreement, is exempt from the presumption of equal division at divorce.
Allocation of debt can create unforeseen pitfalls for divorcing couples. Because creditors are not parties to the divorce action, they are not bound by the couple’s allocation of responsibility for debt or even by a court order dividing debts between the parties. If a debt was incurred by both spouses, the creditor can attach the property awarded to one spouse by the divorce court even though the judgment provides that the other spouse is responsible for the debt.
For all of these reasons, it is important for a divorcing spouse to know his or her legal rights and to consult early in the proceeding with an attorney who specializes in the area. An early, properly drafted temporary order can preserve assets and eliminate the creation of new debt.
This articles provides general information only and is not intended as a substitute for legal advice. Nor does this article imply any attorney client relationship. This article is for informative purposes only and may not apply in your state, please consult an attorney in your area.
Divorce Hurts Everyone, So Do the Couple’s Wishes Come First?
When a married couple breaks up, it is not just their own future that has changed. It is not even “just” their children’s future that has been irrevocably altered. Both sets of parents, if living, can be wounded. The brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews are hurt. The future grandchildren’s lives will unroll down different paths than what was expected. In fact, the reality is that the grandparents will probably not even see them for years at a time.
The shock of the divorce to the couple’s friends can be emotionally intense, with a social network now creaking on one hinge, like a broken gate. Even plans for retirement activities together are now crushed. It’s highly likely that one or both partners in the divorce were in such pain themselves that they gave little thought to what the impact would be on everyone around them. They probably gave no thought at all to the fact that friends would now be caught in the middle of a no-win situation.
It is hoped that the couple did consider younger children. Too many times, it becomes obvious that even that did not happen. However, the parents should have agreed ahead of time not to use the innocent as weapons in their ongoing war with each other.
That said, when the divorce is initiated by one spouse to escape the abuse that has been inflicted on him or her by the other, it does not matter what other people think!! While inflicting more pain was not planned, it does not matter whose feelings are hurt, or how many lectures are delivered by so-called counselors. No one should have to endure a relationship that is tearing them apart, or destroying who they are. Even so, circumstances sometimes leave no choice for the foreseeable future.
Those who marry and divorce multiple times do so for a multitude of complex reasons, few of which really have much to do with love. Instead, they remarry due to money problems, loneliness, or lust, the same reasons our greatgrandparents got married again, after the death of a spouse. Likewise, those who stay in a first bad marriage for decades do so for emotional and practical considerations. Eventually, someone burns out. For some, getting divorced or separating is an abrupt decision, triggered by one last straw.
None of us know when we might find ourselves in that very situation.
Deal With Divorce By Dealing With Anger
There is one very simple way to deal with your anger while going through a nasty divorce.
Divorce is a messy business. There is approximately a fifty percent chance you are divorced if you are over forty and reading this article.
Theories abound as it relates to the various stages one goes through while in the midst of a divorce. Some divorces can be easy and amicable, while others make War Of The Roses look like a Sunday school meeting on a warm summer day in August.
Having survived the first year of a separation / divorce, I can look back and see certain “moments” when I realized there was a fundamental change in the way I thought about a particular subject.
About five or six months into my rather messy divorce, I was having a particularly brutal conversation with my stubborn ex-wife. When I got off the phone I was feeling very upset and angry. Many unanswered questions swirled around in my head. How could she leave with the children? Why am I being treated like a deadbeat dad? How could this be so unfair?
Feelings of deep-rooted frustration constricted my chest. I recall looking at myself in the mirror and coming to the realization I had to get rid of the anger that was eating me up inside. The anger was killing me. If it didn’t kill me right away, anger would have put me in an early grave.
How did I learn to deal with the anger?
I learned to accept the fact that I was getting the short end of the stick.
There have been specific situations I have dealt with during the past year that have been completely unjust and unfair. The moment I learned to accept the mauling I was experiencing was the precise moment my life changed the most.
This philosophy is plain and simple to say, yet multi-faceted and complex to implement.
When you go through a divorce, both parties end up loosing. Unfortunately, the children often end up loosing the most. When you are faced with obstacles and barriers that seem so unfair during the course of a divorce, remember one thing – they probably are unfair. Chances are you are not being treated fairly.
We always do not get what we want in life. How we deal with the little surprises life has to offer us is the real measure of our character. During a divorce, some things will seem very unfair. Anger can be very useful but this emotion is best served left over during the main course of a divorce.
Yeah an ex might have screwed you but the important thing is to move on and forget about it. Recently I have spoken with a number of people with personal experience in divorce and separation. Most people have suggested to me, the parent with the most anger during a divorce ultimately ends up loosing. Children will be drawn to a happy parent rather then a parent filled with hate and anger.
If you have kids and are currently in the middle of a divorce, you would be well served to remember one small thing – don’t focus your energy on anger towards a ex, focus your energy on love towards your children. You will be much better off in the long run.
Surviving Your Divorce
An amicable divorce – what is that? We can remain friends even though our relationship didn’t work out. Yeah, right!
When you are getting a divorce, it may seem impossible to envision a future where you will become friends with your ex-spouse. So many issues which led to your separation and dissolution of marriage are still too fresh. The problems which separated you remain on the table, complete with all the things you fought over and the feelings that go along with all that unresolved anger.
It might not seem possible for you to imagine that at the end of your relationship, there might be something salvageable, let alone a full blown friendship. If there are children involved, that only complicates an already strained connection. Yet, depending on where you are in the divorce process, you can advocate for yourself while maintaining an open door for future friendship. Sound impossible?
Some simple ground rules to see you through.
Keeping the following ground rules in mind when dealing with the situation will either make this possible or impossible. Allowing you to work towards a friendship when it is comfortable for the both of you, rest assured, if handled correctly that time will come to pass.
Maintain your dignity at all times
No matter what is going on you must always maintain a sense of dignity and respect for your partner and yourself during your negotiations. Work through your lawyer whenever possible. They are your impartial conduit to keep things civil and professional. If you do find yourself dealing directly with your spouse, work to keep emotion out of your interactions. That may sound extraordinarily hard when you’re in the thick of things, but for a smooth transition and future relationship, it is imperative to stay as cool and collected as possible. It may also mean leaving the negotiations for a later time.
Know when to leave the room.
You have to know when to leave and geographically remove yourself from a situation spiraling out of control. It is very easy to get caught up in finger pointing and accusations. If you find yourself losing your cool or becoming emotional, stop, take a deep breath and say just that – you need to end the conversation. Some parts of a divorce will always be too painful and difficult for you to solve face-to-face. Avoid the pitfall of playing superhero. Recognize that you and your spouse are extremely vulnerable during this period. A good lawyer or mediator can help greatly in these circumstances.
Be willing to compromise where possible.
Take it point-by-point. Remember, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. A marriage is like an elephant and its dissolution can only be successfully accomplished one point at a time. However you feel the assets should be divided, it is important to understand that for each of you, some things are more important than others. If it’s not important to you, don’t sweat the small stuff.
You can’t keep everything
For example, it may be important to you that any heirloom items passed down from your family remain with you, and it may be equally important to your spouse to keep his or her retirement benefits for intact. Your lawyer will be able help you evaluate the financial implications of decisions and choices in as fair and impartial way as possible. If you fight over everything, nothing will be accomplished and you will both lose. Bitter feelings will remain, and any chance for future camaraderie will be unworkable.
Understanding what is most important to your spouse and being willing to compromise or concede to those things may make your spouse more than willing to do the same for you.
Realize that your lives will now be separate
Any new interests your spouse has with other people or things are no longer part of your life, unless you are invited in. This works both ways. This is where mutual respect comes into play. What this means is that you and your spouse will be moving on, spending time with new people and eventually dating.
Avoid being judgmental
A sure-fire way to kill off the possibility of a friendship is for you to be judgmental of the new people in your spouse’s life. Becoming overly friendly or involved with these new people can also have the same effect. Your lives are separate and you must get on with rebuilding a life detached from your spouse’s world, just like the two of you built a life together. Know your place, and let your ex-spouse know if your own boundaries are being overstepped.
Know when to say nothing.
One of the most important things to remember is to know when to keep your mouth shut. We were taught that if you don’t have something nice to say about somebody, don’t say anything. This adage is never so important as during and after a divorce. School yourself from speaking negatively about your ex-spouse especially around your common friends. This can be difficult, as there seems to be a natural curiosity from friends to delve into the reasons for your separation.
How-To Avoid Prying Questions
They may ask prying questions and look for blame. It easy to fall into the trap of it was your ex-spouses fault. Reach for a general response which casts no blame and ends the conversation so that you can move on to what’s really happening in your life now. Phrases like, “we just grew apart” or “the divorce was a positive step for both of us” can sometimes help to keep the questions at bay.
Present yourself as confident and happy
Remember you do not have to answer a question just because it is asked, especially if it is personal. Your reasons for your divorce are your own business, and it is your choice as to how much you wish to share.
Keeping your spouse as a friend may seem impossible now, but by following the suggestions above you will have created the possibility of amicability in the years to come.
8 Steps to a Smooth Divorce
1. Become educated on all aspects of Divorce. Reading the various websites available on divorce is an excellent start. Read every document available. Complicated subjects always deserve a second reading. Then, read your State Statutes on divorce. You will find they are written in almost-plain English and are understandable to the average person. State Statutes can be found by entering your state and the word statutes in most search engines. Look for anything that sounds like “marriage” or “domestic relations.”
2. Buy books on Divorce. Generic divorce books are a good start and will give you a good overview. But they will not completely do the job. Every state has different laws and requirements for divorce. So you need to look for a divorce book that specializes on your state divorce laws. Check local bookstores or online bookstores. But be aware: laws change and books become quickly outdated. That will not present a problem as long as you use the book for general education.
3. Take the “high road” during your divorce. Behave perfectly, beginning now. Cooperate with your spouse on arrangements for children. Do not waste, destroy, or hide assets. Take on the appearance of a “saint.” You will be happier, more relaxed, and less destructive to your family and assets. Most important of all, the spouse that takes the “high road” always does better in a divorce trial. Judges like to see you take the “high road.”
4. Use your newly gained knowledge and plan two possible outcomes: your best possible outcome and your worst possible outcome. Be realistic and put it in writing.
5. Use your knowledge of your spouse. Try to imagine what is going through your spouses mind. Make an educated guess and write down what sort of outcomes your spouse might pick. Come up with a best and worst outcome that you imagine your spouse would come up with.
6. With four possible outcomes on paper, you now have an overview of the battlefield. Using that information, see if you can work out a combination of give and take that approximates “best” outcomes for both spouses. It doesn’t need to be perfect but you should try your best. When done, you have a powerful plan that will help you in negotiations.
7. Be involved in your divorce. Actively negotiate with a goal of peaceful settlement. Don’t use destructive techniques. They only look bad for you at trial time. And never be afraid to ask your attorney questions. This is your divorce and you have to live with the result. The well-informed person will always come out ahead.
8. Last, become an expert on every word printed on legal papers and pleadings. Ask your attorney, look up definitions in books, or ask other experienced people. Don’t assume anything. This is your life – not your attorney’s life. Treat this situation like it is the most important event of your life. Again, the well-informed person will always come out ahead.
Divorce is a Legitimate Choice
For many men and women in a wide variety of situations divorce is a legitimate and appropriate choice.
Getting divorced is a process and consists of 3 main elements:
· Emotional
· Financial
· Legal
Healing from divorce is not easy. It is often a long and excruciating process and always brings out strong emotions. The divorce process frequently leaves people feeling lonely, flawed, enraged, undesirable, helpless, empty and emotionally raw and overwhelmed.
If you or someone you know is going through a divorce, the best recommendation I have is to put together a team of knowledgeable, experienced professionals who will work on your behalf for the best possible outcome for you!
Lawyers, mediators, therapists, coaches, accountants, clergy and financial planners all have valuable points of view to consider. If you have children, stay in close communication with your children’s teachers and the parents of their friends.
An important part of the repair process is learning to honor and heal the many emotions of divorce. Please remember that all these emotions are a normal and natural response to divorce:
· Anger at yourself and your ex-partner;
· Shame and guilt that haunts you and keeps you stuck and unable to think about many of the alternatives and possibilities;
· Sadness and despair over the loss of the relationship;
· Anxiety over the disruption of the family; and
· Loss of a lifetime of hopes, dreams, expectations.
While there is no argument from me that divorce can be painful and awful in many ways, you still have choices when it comes to your response(s) to getting divorced. I urge you to become willing to choose…
· Self-discovery;
· Deepening your self-awareness;
· Renewing self-respect;
· Learning to make new choices; and
· Working on forgiveness.
Take the first step on the road back from the awfulness of your divorce and toward repairing and restoring an injured part of self, forwarding cooperation and good will with those with whom you have been in conflict, reducing any on-going harmful impact on yourself and your children, exploring the values that drive your decisions and creating useful, healthy ways to meet your needs. You can say goodbye to pain and confusion and begin designing a life that is rich and meaningful today.
Remember, only YOU can make it happen!
You Were Served Divorce Papers? A 3 Day Action Plan
Today
• Don’t panic – best decisions are made with a cool, calm head
• Sit down, relax, and read the divorce papers several times.
• Don’t call your spouse in anger – no contact is best for now.
• Read up on divorce – knowledge always helps take the fear away.
• When you finish the above steps, take a short break and then read all of the divorce papers again until you thoroughly understand what is ahead.
• If you have children, do not draw them into the conflict. This is best for your children and will put you in the best position to win custody.
• You have 20 days from the date you received the summons to send an answer.
• If possible, take tomorrow off and devote some thought to the situation.
Tomorrow
• You must decide if you will represent yourself or hire an divorce attorney.
• If you want an attorney, start calling and find one that you like.
• If you are a do-it-yourself person, continue to read about divorce for 7 more days. You have almost two weeks to act and you must become well informed.
• Review the location and amount of all your assets. If possible, remove money from the bank and put it in a place of security. Do not deprive your spouse of necessary funds to live on. That could backfire on you.
• Review your credit cards and any other sources of credit. If possible, cancel cards that are joint accounts or remove your spouse’s name from the card.
• Speed is your best tool – be thorough and act today.
• Go into conservation mode and build a rainy day fund. You may soon need it.
• Begin to collect all records of assets, amounts owed, property, deeds, and family business records. If you are in the marital home, keep the records in a more secure place, like with a trusted friend.
• Call the IRS to find out how to request copies of the last 5 years of tax returns – if you don’t already have them.
Next Day
• Continue your education. This is one of the biggest and most important projects of your life. Read books and attend seminars. Become an expert.
• Make a financial plan or a household budget for the next 12 months. Don’t spend unnecessary money.
• Get a notebook and a holder for paperwork. Set up a central collection point for all the information you gather during your divorce. Keep a detailed diary and jot down anything you learn from your educational efforts.
Child Custody in a Divorce – What is Best for the Children?
In most states, a court’s decision about child custody during a divorce used to be simple to make. The judge would give custody to the mom. The dad got alternating weekend visitation. Now, custody decisions are drastically more complex. Many states have adopted a standard called “best interests of the child.” Judges are required to weigh a list of factors to determine which parent is the proper custodian of the children. The level of complexity in custody decisions has drastically risen and decisions are no longer clear-cut.
Florida is one state that places an emphasis on the protection of children involved in a divorce. The best interests of the child are the guiding principles in Florida. Domestic relations law of the state outline a list of factors a judge must consider in every custody decision: 1. the child’s school and home history; 2. the permanence of the child’s proposed home; 3. the continuity of the child’s situation; 4. the parent’s ability to provide the necessities of life; 5. love, affection, and existing ties with either parent; 6. any history of domestic violence; and 7. the parent most likely to promote the child’s continued contact and relationship with the other parent.
There are two factors that appear to be most important: 6. the history of domestic violence and 7. the parent most likely to promote the child’s continued contact and relationship with the other parent. The importance of considering domestic violence is obvious. If a child is awarded to a violent parent, the safety of that child might be compromised. But most people are not aware of and do not understand why factor #7 is so important: the parent most likely to promote the child’s continued contact and relationship with the other parent. And because there is so little awareness of this factor, it presents both a great opportunity and great danger for parents seeking custody of their child. The “best interests of the child” standard was developed by lawyers, judges, child psychologists, and social workers. It represents a balancing of interests and is designed to benefit the child. The states that have adopted this standard believe a child should have a continuing bond with both parents, even after a divorce. And that mutual bond is best promoted by a parent that promotes visitation with the non-custodial parent.
The parent that appears to promote the child’s contact with the other parent will get a strong preference in a custody decision. The parent that refuses visitation with the other parent will hurt themselves in a custody decision. Cooperation with visitation can take many forms. A suggested pattern of conduct includes: avoiding discussions of adult – divorce issues with the children, making reasonable arrangements for weekly visitation, openness about sharing holidays with the children, and participating in joint decision making about major children’s issues.
If you are contemplating divorce, you should educate yourself about how courts and judges make decisions. By educating yourself, you can make sure a judge will look favorably at your behavior. A divorce does not have to be a guessing game. The educated spouse will always get a more favorable outcome.
Bad Marriage, Good Divorce?
Even though divorce rates in the U.S. have been steady the last few years, there are still a lot of couples getting divorced every year. Approximately one out of two married couples will end up in divorce court. And yet, marriage is still the ideal for most men and women. A recent survey of twenty-somethings indicated that 94% of these young men and women wanted to get married someday.
Most people go into a marriage with good intentions. They expect the marriage to last a lifetime, even though the odds for that are pretty grim. It’s becoming increasingly common for people to have two or three marriages in their lifetimes. This means, of course, that they will have had two or three divorces as well. So, the question for today is: can there be such a thing as a good divorce after a bad marriage?
There was an interesting study on unhappy married couples. These were couples considering divorce, but decided to stick it out for a while. The study found that within three years, most of the unhappy couples were now happy. They were glad they were still married and no longer wanted divorces. The conclusion was that unhappiness in marriage is fairly common, but it is temporary. The bad times don’t last.
There was another surprising discovery in the study. The researchers found that the couples who did divorce were no happier than the unhappy married couples. In other words, divorce solved nothing. And when the divorced couples did remarry, they were no happier-and, therefore, no better off-than were the couples who had stayed married. The lesson from all this seems to be: marital unhappiness doesn’t last and is not a reason to get divorced. In the long run, couples have their ups and downs, but the downs seem to be temporary. The marriage can be permanent and happy.
Still, there are marriages where conditions are bad and the differences irreconcilable. Abuse, abandonment, substance abuse, and infidelity are all situations where severe damage has been done to the relationship. All marriages cannot be made loving and happy again. Sometimes, divorce is justified. Sometimes, one or both partners ARE better off after the divorce.
So how do you turn a bad marriage into a good divorce?
First, acknowledge that you may still love your partner, but that your life will be better if you live your own life away from your partner. However, you can’t live your own life if you are focused on ruining his. To have a good divorce, separate physically and emotionally. Get over it and move on. The time and effort you spend on revenge or hatred is time wasted out of your own life.
Next, you may be getting a divorce but your children aren’t. They still have two parents. Forcing your children to take sides is using your children for your own selfish ego. Let your children grow up with two parents. Again, the time you spend trying to be the right parent, the good parent, is time better spent working on this new chapter in your life.
The relationship you have with your future ex during the divorce can make all the difference to the ease of the entire process. Accept responsibility for your part in the break-up and don’t throw insults and accusations back in your ex’s face. Your ex is not necessarily a bad person. He’s just not right for you. And, to keep your perspective ember, you’re not right for him.
During the divorce process and afterward when you’re single again, avoid going to family functions or social gatherings together. You are a single person once again. You have no social obligations to your ex. Socializing as a couple will only confuse the kids, give false hope to the families and muddle your own feelings. No convenience sex (ex sex).
You are truly your own person now. Make the most of it. Don’t waste your new life looking backward. Look forward with gratitude at the opportunities that await you as you begin this new chapter in your life.
Children Surviving Divorce-With Faith, Commitment and Support
It is a late Sunday evening, two weeks before Xmas. It hasn’t really
been a bad day. Yet it hasn’t been a particularly happy day either. Xmas
can be a difficult time of the year because it is supposed to be a time
of happiness and for giving but it can be a time to remember personal loss.
It is a time when memories of family events come to mind… of children
going to bed on Xmas Eve, being so excited with the sure knowledge that
when they wake next morning Santa Claus will have visited and left wonderfully
wrapped gifts. The happiness of being woken early to watch the frenzied
opening of gifts… Ah, the wonderful memories!
Yet, Xmas hasn’t been so happy for the last two years. The saddest thing
of all was that my 18-year-old son refused to accept a single gift from
his mother, nor has he given any thought towards giving a gift. There hasn’t
even been a birthday card sent. In fact, he hasn’t spoken to her for over
two years. All he would say when questioned was that he wished “that she
was dead”. After two and a half years since his mother left home I expected
yet another Xmas of underlying heartache and sadness.
But, this Xmas I am confident there will be a change. My son will be
exchanging gifts with his mother.
As a young man he has been incredibly disturbed by the loss of his mother
at a vital stage in his life, at the transition between the end of his
childhood and adulthood. In general, little has changed in his attitude
towards her from what he is prepared to say, but there is now a glimmer
of hope… of reconciliation.
His Grandmother seems to be partly responsible for this coming together.
Sadly, only a few years away from her 100th birthday, she has found it
impossible to continue looking after her house and keep herself properly
fed. This has brought about a common interest. It has been his choice.
And all I had to say to him was ” After all the doubt and pain that
you have been through… you know now that you are more than strong enough
to cope with any difficulty”
It has taken a long time for the situation to change from the icy frozen
waste of a mother estranged from her now adult son… but there is a sense
of thawing and a crack is visible that, hopefully, will grow. Friendship
may develop between them and trust return between mother and son, given
patience and time… A twinkling star in the blackness of night?
Fanciful, perhaps!
I know I couldn’t wish for a better Xmas gift… “I have faith in my
son”
By showing continued faith in your children and giving them the total
support they need as they make their make their own family separation decisions,
they will be rewarded by your continued commitment. And, you never know…
with time your whole family will grow with strength and gain peace of mind…
A new balance will return.
Overcome Divorce Depression- Avoid Downward Thinking
Today, while driving to work, I listened to a radio discussion. I didn’t
hear the start and don’t know exactly what the subject was about. It seemed
to be centered around how top stars and sportsmen and sportswomen focussed
upon just before making a public performance. What took my interest was
the description of how each star felt incredibly nervous just before going
on stage.
Apparently, it was stated, Carly Simon used to get to feel so sick that
she couldn’t go on stage. Whereas, I believe it was Bruce Springstein who
stated that unless he felt incredibly sick and nervous he knew that he
couldn’t go on stage and perform at his best.
Next, a sports coach and psychologist described a condition he called
“downward thinking”.
“What the heck does he mean?” I thought. Fortunately he described exactly
what he meant by the term by referring to an example of his favorite sport,
Golf. Here, he said, if a top golfer doesn’t sink the ball at an easy put
it could completely wreck the most successful player’s tournament.
I guess it’s a little like boiling an egg for breakfast. You perhaps
prefer the yoke of your egg runny and the white firm. You like the contrast
in texture and a soft yoke will allow you dip thin slices of buttered bread
(called bread soldiers) into it. You know that it should be boiled for
4 minutes to get perfection. But, today your egg has a hard yoke and you
don’t like them like that… it’s a bad start to the day. And it was just
like it the day before, and the day before that. Instead of accepting that
you could boil your egg for a slightly shorter time or you could find another
strategy that helps you get it just right… you decide that you can’t
boil an egg at all. In fact, you accept from that small event that you
can’t cook… you are a complete and utter failure and a waste of time
in the kitchen.
Just one bad thought after a minor failure or loss of luck resulted
in a sequence of negative thoughts. If you couldn’t quickly write off that
small piece of bad luck your whole day is wrecked… you are useless.
And the golfer? Beginning with the single slight failure of a little
white ball falling into a hole dug into the ground at a point on a grassy
golf course that is conveniently marked by a flag pole… it doesn’t sound
life threatening when you think about it, does it? But, from this minor
failure event, the thoughts of failure can rapidly increase. And, instead
of expecting that the ball will be easily putted at the next hole, doubt
and tension builds to the point that all chances of success vanish. Very
quickly a top class player feels useless.
Every member of the discussion group agreed that they too recognized
occasions when they had been affected by similar doubts that sometimes
scared them and made them question their fitness to live.
I realized that everyone does this many times a day, normally without
recognizing it or letting the “downward thoughts” get in the way of having
a successful day.
It resembled an instant form of depression, where one bad thought leads
to another and rapidly moves on downwards to a point where you feel you
just can’t go on.
No doubt you’ve seen it where your favorite football player, basketball
wizard, record breaking swimmer or athlete has a really bad day. How can
it be? They are brilliant… they are incredible! And yet they still have
the most awful games. You probably recall stars of the past that
suddenly disappeared from the scene… with a total loss of confidence.
There are huge numbers of ex-stars and sports personalities whose careers
have ended in utter failure, never to recover their former glory.
Of course, there are those who recover and make a magnificent comeback
after a break from the pressure to accomplish even greater levels of success.
Deep inside they know that that hard work and practice has provided all
the physical skills they need to take advantage of their talent. And, in
their minds they cope by recognizing a small failure is nothing more than
that… just a slight mishap… a minor human error.
A flash of inspired brilliance often wins the game but rarely does a
single mistake lose the fight.
So what if the last shot was a bad shot… it was nothing more than
that. The next shot will be a winner.
Somehow, after divorce you have to find inner resources that recognize
and defend against the consequences of all the bad thoughts that go through
your head… there are so many bad thoughts. It isn’t easy when your ex-partner
seems to emphasize your failings. So, try to remember that the bad thoughts
rumbling around in your mind are still nothing more than “downward thoughts”
and that they can have no real consequence to your life.
You are every bit as valuable as you have ever been… and that your
family and friends still value you and want you. You haven’t changed and
still have every talent that you have ever had… and you know that there
are hidden skills that you haven’t realized yet.
Remember that you are you… You are quality… You wouldn’t let one
bad thought, statement or action ruin the rest of your life, would you?
Why wreck your life?
------------------------------------
Tags: Divorce Lawyers, Cheap Divorce Lawyers, Divorce Without A Lawyer, Free Divorce Lawyers
A matrimonial divorce settlement is NOT an exact science. If a financial divorce settlement was a straight mathematical equation, we wouldn’t need courts and lawyers to resolve matters. Courts are usually required, under Family Law legislation, to take into account a range of factors in deciding who gets what. Too many women settle for a 50% split of the matrimonial property WITHOUT taking into account matters such as significant disparities between what your husband earns and your own weekly /monthly income and any restrictions your age or health might have on your capacity to earn income.
Another mistake is letting the other spouse retain the matrimonial home EVEN IF you have the ability to buy him out. Real estate property has a habit of increasing in value without you having to do anything. If you pass this up and your spouse pays you out then the problem often is that you don’t then have enough money to purchase a property of your own. Deposits, stamp duty, legal fees etc. can put buying another home out of your reach. You’re left paying out dead money in rent.
While not as common a mistake, some women will seek to keep the matrimonial home when they really CAN’T afford to financially. If buying out your husband’s share in the house is going to involve you taking out a big loan, you need to factor in the monthly loan repayments PLUS outgoings such as rates, building insurance, public liability insurance and general maintenance costs. Only then will you know whether or not you can actually afford to keep the house.
Failing to take other matters such as alimony and child support into consideration BEFORE agreeing on a division of the matrimonial property is another problem. These are NOT matters that should be dealt with in isolation.
It is the current value of property that is taken into account – not replacement value. This means that if the family car is worth $10,000, it is often better to keep it. Too many women find themselves needing a vehicle to get the kids to and from school, football training etc. and having to spend twice what the family car was worth just to replace it. The same mistake is sometimes made when it comes to the marital furniture and effects. They are usually secondhand (even if only recently purchased) and therefore are not worth a lot of money. For example, the fridge that you paid $1,000 for new may now only worth a few hundred dollars. Keeing the bulk of the furniture (if it is in good condition) will avoid you having to pay a lot more money to replace it.
Property settlements may sometimes be amicable but this does not mean they are fair. Do not accept the inflated financial values your husband is likely to put on property that you want to keep and the low value he’s likely to put on any property he actually wants to keep.
It is surprising to find women (and sometimes men) arguing over the little things. By this I mean, fighting for items of little financial worth. It’s pointless paying hundreds of dollars in legal fees disputing who is going to get a $50 wedding vase or a $150 stamp collection.
Another mistake is overlooking other assets such as boats, trailers, machinery, pensions, retirement funds, stocks, shares and life insurance as matrimonial property and/or financial resources.
Too many women believe that if they go “soft” on their property settlement entitlements, their husband will be easier to deal with as regards the children. This approach rarely produces the desired result. The only real outcome usually is that your spouse perceives you to be weak.
Another very common mistake is seeking divorce financial planning advice from a lawyer instead of a financial planner. What do lawyers know about financial planning?
Some women get sucked into believing that by reaching an informal agreement with their husband that is legally binding. It isn’t – even if it’s written down and both parties have signed it.
Finally, too many women simply give in to their husband because that’s what they’ve always done. Now is the time to stand up for your self. You are facing separation and divorce, which means that more than ever before, you need to be primarily concerned with your financial future!
When Will He Divorce Her?
It’s a common question. A person (most often a woman) waits and waits for a man to divorce his wife and begin a public relationship with her. He always seems on the verge of doing so, or, at least has good reasons for putting it off.
When will he divorce her? If the question has to be asked, then the answer is probably, “Never.” The question implies that it has already been too long and that the promises are not being kept.
Why would a woman hang on, when it would appear to most outsiders that there is little chance of him leaving his wife and marrying his mistress?
The answer is never simple. Every person has their own story. However, it is usually some kind of emptiness story. It may be a woman in an empty marriage, waiting for the fulfillment promised with her lover. It may be a single woman unsure of her worth and glad to receive what attention she can. It may even be a very accomplished woman that has “fallen” for a man that “sweeps her off her feet” and then won’t come through with the finish of the story.
In each case, there is the initial titillation of playing the hide-and-seek game. While this game grows old for the woman, it continues to provide adrenaline and thrill to the man. This is a reinforcement for continuing with things as they are. He may feel like the guilty school boy, but there is a large part of him that enjoys it.
It’s not that he doesn’t care for her. He undoubtably does. But he also cares for his wife, his children, his home, his car, his career, and hisgood standing in the community. He cares, but not for her alone. It is obvious from his behavior.
You might wonder how a couple could allow themselves to get into such an untidy if not immoral position to begin with. It’s been my experience that, except for the serial cheaters, most couples slide into these relationships through companionship, not expecting anything more to come of it. Some get there because their values allow a casual fling and they find themselves much more deeply attached than they ever intended.
So, what do you do, if you’re asking about when he will divorce her?
You could expose your relationship with him, hoping this will force his hand and he will leave her. Alas, he probably won’t. You’ll probably just force them into marriage counseling together.
Your best option is to find a life for yourself apart from him. Very few people can leave a relationship without another to go to. So, force yourself to date others. Attempt to find relationships that promise as much or more than the one you are waiting upon.
If you are married, then get to work on that relationship. See a marriage counselor. Work out your issues in the context of your existing relationship before trying to move on to another.
Oh, and what if he does divorce her? He cheated once (with you), why would you ever trust that he wouldn’t cheat again, this time on you?
If you think divorce is the only option…read on!
Going through the Pain Barrier
Nobody likes pain but its there for a purpose. I am a long time supporter of The Leprosy Mission and one of the things that I’ve discovered about leprosy is that its not normally the disease that results in a persons fingers or toes falling off, it’s the fact that the disease of leprosy stops a person being able to feel pain and so they will unconsciously burn themselves badly and not feel it. The nerve endings have been damaged and so they cannot feel pain at all and the results, more often than not, are the hideous deformities that we now associate with a leper. A leper would love to feel pain because they know that pain is given to us to warn our bodies that something is wrong that needs put right, if possible. Pain is not always a bad thing.
I run marathons. Do you think I feel pain when I run a marathon? You bet I do! A marathon is one of the supreme tests of endurance that average people can undertake. During the run your body uses up all its stores of carbohydrates and other necessary body fuels and then begins to feed off itself – it turns cannibal, if you like. This is painful. As well as that, it is not uncommon to pull a muscle, develop a blister, get a stitch, hurt your joints or any other number of painful ailments. Your body is telling you to stop, this is damaging to it! In this context, pain is your body’s natural way to tell you that you are overdoing it – and of course you are. However, all of us can ‘overdo it’ for a lot longer than we think is possible initially. We can learn to acknowledge the pain and, whilst taking steps to minimise it, we can still run on and on. Mind over matter if you like.
One of the great acts of heroism I ever witnessed was during an Olympic marathon when the Tanzanian representative fell during the race badly injuring himself. He got up and struggled on in obvious pain whilst all the other runners disappeared up the road in front of him. It was demoralising for him but he refused to give up. He struggled on and entered the stadium with only a few people still left in the stands to cheer him home. He finished the race with blood pouring from his leg wound just as they were taking down the finishing line and a television reporter asked why he hadn’t just given up after falling so badly. His response was brilliant. He replied, “My country did not send me here to start a race. They sent me to finish a race!” Too many of us start the race but are not so committed to finishing.
I am firmly convinced that if a couple acknowledge to each other that there will be times of pain then they will be better able to cope with it for a period when it happens. In the western world, we have been brought up with this strange belief that we should never suffer and so, when we inevitably do hit times of suffering, we have not prepared ourselves to handle it properly. I have a friend who lectures on philosophy in universities in many third world countries. He says that one question he is never asked in third world countries is, “Why does God allow suffering?” The reason for this is that suffering is just such a normal part of their lives that they cannot imagine that anyone doesn’t suffer. In fact it’s the suffering that makes them into the people they are. Can you accept that suffering makes you a better person?
Here are five things we can do when we feel pain in our relationship:-
1. We need to acknowledge that there is pain and try to isolate what is causing it.
As we have said already in regard to the lepers, pain has a purpose. It tells us that something is not right. When we feel pain in our relationship we need to stop and analyse why we are feeling that particular pain. When I was an accountant and had a bit more money at my disposal, one of the things I would do when I felt some pain in my marriage was to throw a bit of money at it. We’d take a holiday, go for a nice meal, buy some new clothes, get our hair done up (well at least my wife would do this). Now, if you’ve got the resources, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with any of these things but we need to be aware that by distracting our minds for a little while from the cause of the pain it doesn’t make the pain go away long term. It only puts a plaster over a wound that needs treatment. However, all we were doing by throwing money at our problems was delaying the inevitable and sooner or later we would have a big argument.
It’s a bit like developing a toothache. Sure, you can dull the pain by putting some painkilling drug on your gum but if the cause of the pain is not dealt with, we know that it will flare up again, and next time even more painfully. Indeed if we kept on ignoring the pain then it might result in a tooth being removed. What started out as a simple toothache resulted in surgery. Not good.
In marriage there are a number of ways of figuring out what is causing the pain. Most of them common sense. You could try just talking to each other. Now there’s a novel suggestion! You could try doing the simple exercises in chapter 2 of this book and then discussing the results. You could talk to a professional counsellor who is trained to get to the bottom of painful issues. Whatever you decide to do it is crucial that you do something and do not ignore your pain. Once again the keyword is action.
2. The second thing we can try when pain rears its probing head is something that might seem very obvious but it is worth stating again just in case you miss it. Make sure that the pain you feel is associated with your marriage and not something else, like your job or even your children. So often we can be under pressure at our work and then come home and take it out on our partner. This is called displacing the pain. One of the things that I had to learn to do was to actually say to my wife, when I came home after a particularly hard day at work, that I was feeling stressed and tired. At first it felt like a confession of weakness and it wasn’t easy for me to admit that sometimes I wasn’t coping as well as I’d like to pretend. When I admitted as much to my wife, almost every time she was able to understand and take a bit more of the household pressure for a short time.
On other occasions the pressure was in the other direction and after a hard day of dealing with young children my wife would sometimes take out her frustrations on me. If I failed to recognise that this was happening the result could easily be a full-blown argument over pain that had been displaced. It is very important to be able to admit to feeling under pressure and to ask for some help from your spouse. If you don’t, the pain you feel elsewhere will automatically come out in your marriage.
3. The third thing to fix in your mind and believe is that pain is not a signal that your marriage is over.
When I’m running a marathon I need to keep reminding myself that pain is a totally natural for this event and expected part of the race. I do not give up at the first twinge or even at quite severe pain. I battle through it. Of course, I have to put up with some pain if I want to finish the race. One thing that drives me nuts these days is when I read a report in a newspaper of the latest celebratory couple who have split up citing ‘irreconcilable differences’ as the cause. What they are really saying is that they encountered a wee bit pain and so just gave up! Usually they live such a pampered lifestyle that any sort of pain is just not acceptable and so they walk away (to repeat the exercise with someone else). Do not succumb to this modern malaise. If you never learn how to put up with a bit of pain, every relationship you enter into will head down the same path. If you don’t believe me, just check out the marriages in Hollywood. Don’t become a quitter. Pain is not the end – it’s a sign that something needs to be done. In fact, it can be a beginning if you let it.
4. Stop focusing on the pain.
Whatever you focus on will begin to define who you are. If all you can see are the bad things in your marriage it won’t be long until your marriage accurately reflects your focus. In a marathon, if I keep thinking about how painful it is, there is a big temptation to give up. So what I do is to try and focus on more pleasant things such as the scenery, the joy of running, the anticipation of finishing, other runners (especially those who dress up in stupid outfits), anything to divert my attention from the pain for a little while. It’s amazing how often the pain is actually more mental than physical. I believe that the same thing can be achieved in marriage. Instead of focusing on the toothpaste lid or the toilet seat (to quote just two clichés) why not focus on your partner’s great sense of humour or their willingness to always switch off the lights or any of a hundred other endearing qualities? It’s amazing how trivial the irritations become when you remove them from the centre of your focus.
Try this simple exercise. Take a very small coin and hold it arms length between your finger and thumb. Does it block out much of the view behind it? No, obviously it doesn’t. Now bring the coin up closer and closer to your eye and close the other eye. What happens? It blocks your view almost completely, doesn’t it? It’s only a small coin but it can completely obliterate your view if you let it. Often the same thing happens in marriage. You can forget all the tremendous blessings you have together and focus on the one tiny fault until it takes over and dominates your thinking. Don’t allow it to do so. Now, what you’ve just read might sound like a contradiction to point 1 but its not. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting here that you bury your head in the sand regarding pain in your marriage but what I am saying is to make sure that the thing you think is causing you pain is actually as bad as you are making out. Have you just become so used to whining about something that it has come to dominate your thinking unnecessarily? Don’t let a small pain obliterate your view of a great marriage.
5. Share the Pain
Can I just remind you of something? You are married. It’s okay to share the hard things with your spouse. Remember the vows that you took? “For better and for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.” Perhaps you’ve always felt that you had to be strong and support your spouse and so when you feel pain what do you do? Pretend it’s not sore? Tell him/her that you can cope? Why don’t you just admit that you’re finding something tough and ask for their support? It might be the very thing that draws you together. Share , share, share.
As I draw to the end of this chapter I want to leave you with an amusing story.
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there’s couple who have been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. “That poor old couple.” As the old man began eating his French fries, a young man stood up and walked to the old couples’ table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything and, anyway, their appetites were not what they used to be.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn’t eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked one last time if he could buy them one more meal.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?” She answered, ………… “The teeth!”
Aaaagghhh! Yes I know it’s disgusting, but its probably not a true story and anyway it does illustrate the principle of sharing in a way that you will not forget. Will you?
Back to pain. As I said in the opening sentence, nobody enjoys pain. However, if you can just acknowledge what it is trying to tell you, but not allow it to knock you off track, then your marriage will survive and grow.
Divorce Without A Lawyer
Divorce can sometimes be the best last option in a bad marriage. However, getting a divorce is not an easy task. The procedure usually involves a lot of legal complexities relating to the custody of children, property, alimony, child support and other such issues. Letting a divorce lawyer deal with all such messy issues would be the best choice for either party.
Although many cheap divorce methods are available, the very best would still be the kind that both partners can do among themselves without involving an outsider. Letting a lawyer in would be somewhat a burden, particularly when the case drags for a long time causing emotional turmoil for either parties, all the while being heavy on the pockets.
There is now available a method to deal with a divorce without a lawyer or an attorney. Known as the Pro Se divorce, or more popularly as the do it yourself divorce, it entitles both the parties filing the divorce papers themselves. However, Pro Se divorce can be filed only under certain conditions and might not be the best option for many.
The first criterion to file a Pro Se divorce is that the divorce is uncontested by either parties, either with respect to children or property. Also, the children, if any are involved, must all be of legal age and so must not be brought into the case. Any kind investment such as deposits, stock, retirement or pension options must not be present for either party. Alimony is not dealt with in case of do it yourself divorce and so the parties must definitely hire a lawyer for the same.
It is compulsory that both the parties file for the Pro Se divorce, instead of one opting for a lawyer and the other going in for the do it yourself divorce. Also, those in military cannot file through this method while in service. A lawyer is compulsory for such military divorce cases. History of physical or mental abuse on either partner by the other, debt, bankruptcy etc., are other conditions that must not be present while filing for a Pro se divorce case. It is also a condition that both the parties are financially well off after the divorce and would not need any kind of support from the other, such as alimony.
Pro Se divorces, as mentioned, involve a lot of legalities that both the partners must consider before opting for this method of divorce. However, one major advantage with this kind of divorce is that it saves a lot of money in form of lawyer fee. But one disadvantage would be that the clients would need to represent themselves in the court with no legal help from a lawyer. Getting the initial paperwork reviewed by an experienced lawyer would be a good choice before filing the papers. This would ensure that all the requisite documents are being provided and getting a separation is only a matter of time even with individual representation in the court without the assistance of a lawyer. The list of documents to be submitted is available on the Internet on websites that help with Pro Se divorces and are relatively easy to locate.
Divorce, Self Sabotage And The Fear of Intimacy
The fear of intimacy is responsible for a great deal of the self sabotage that individuals engage in while in relationships.
If you’ve ever experienced it I think you’ll recognize that it seems to happen almost automatically and as if you have little control over it. Unfortunately after the damage that it wreaks has been done it has not only undermined the relationship it has also traumatized you in the process.
The nature of the trauma can take many forms:
1. Lowered self confidence.
2. Lowered self esteem.
3. Lowered self worth.
4. Feeling defective in some way.
5. Feeling guilty.
6. Feeling like a failure.
7. Feeling depressed.
8. Feeling hopeless.
9. Feeling empty.
10. Greater fears of intimacy.
And so on…
Of course all of this along with the memory of the self sabotage gets stored in your mind and body and adds to the earlier trauma that caused the fear of intimacy in the first place.
Yes, you read that correctly. Trauma in the form of abuse, neglect and/or abandonment is what leads to this fear. Let me explain.
When an individual is traumatized at an early age they often attempt to explain to themselves why such trauma occurred to them in the first place. Children have the tendency to blame themselves for what happens to them even when they might not have been the cause.
They do this because the idea of blaming the other person, sometimes a parent or other care taker is too threatening to them especially if they are dependent on that person. Doing so, they fear, might cause the caretaker to withdraw their love.
So in order to protect the relationship the child unconsciously blames themselves for the incident and then carries this inside of themselves along with the memory of the incident and the emotional pain associated with it.
All of this usually becomes stored in the unconscious mind and body and if not uncovered and resolved it tends to fuel the fear of intimacy in later life.
In order to understand this it’s important to recognize that this fear sits on a deeper fear, that of being rejected or abandoned. This latter fear also sits on a deeper belief which is that one could potentially be abandoned and therefore would make the individual unlovable.
This belief that one is unlovable is based on the early trauma I mentioned above and also on the childhood interpretation of the memory which is that it happened because the child was bad and therefore potentially unlovable.
Now for a child this belief is like the kiss of death. It is felt as something akin to feelings of annihilation and therefore is extremely painful and to be avoided at all costs.
The fear of intimacy is supposed to protect the individual from ever experiencing the belief or fear that they are not lovable while in a relationship. So if an individual believes they are unlovable yet desires to be in a relationship it’s like they are playing a losing game.
They essentially have to pretend they are someone else because they believe that they are not lovable simply as themselves.
Well of course I think you can see that once one starts down this road the self sabotage has already set in. It’s only a matter of time before the partner recognizes that the individual is not being genuine or honest in someway and this then arouses suspicion which feels threatening to our individual.
As the individual is unable to tolerate the possibility of having what they consider their deepest character flaws exposed they generally tend to unconsciously create an incident that finally undermines the relationship. This is because they desperately need to escape before they are rejected.
Strangely the belief is that the fear of intimacy protects them from being found out and it also protects them from rejection.
As I think you can see, and may even know first hand, the fear of intimacy only makes one’s life and relationships chaotic.
There is now a new approach to quickly, painlessly, easily and permanently releasing the entire trauma that feeds the fears of rejection and intimacy inside you. It is called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) (MRP) and it is administered over the telephone.
Free Divorce Lawyers
Divorce can sometimes be the best last option in a bad marriage. However, getting a divorce is not an easy task. The procedure usually involves a lot of legal complexities relating to the custody of children, property, alimony, child support and other such issues. Letting a divorce lawyer deal with all such messy issues would be the best choice for either party.
Divorce lawyers are usually those lawyers that deal with the family law. They are specialized in all areas of family matters and can provide sound legal counsel when approached for the same. It is usual as well as safer for both the parties to use different divorce lawyers to deal with the proceedings and individual matters of both the parties separately. The divorce lawyers will provide excellent advice relating to the divorce proceedings and also other matters that might crop up later on after the divorce.
Checking through the yellow pages would also produce quite a list of all the lawyers practicing family law. However, getting a lawyer for free is another matter. Even the ones on the Internet tend to charge a nominal fee for the advice provided. Even with the Pro Se or the do it yourself divorces that usually do not require a lawyer, some charges would be applicable if a lawyer gets involved in the proceedings.
One sure way of getting free lawyers advice is through the talk shows on TV and radios. However, it’s only for those who are able to get connected to the speaker or the guest in the talk show. Also, very less time would be allotted for asking the questions and getting them clarified to ones satisfaction.
Although it might be a difficult task to find free lawyers practicing family law, the other option is to file the papers without the assistance of a lawyer. This way both the parties can represent themselves in the court all by themselves without an attorney assisting them. This would ensure no money goes to the lawyer and is practically a free divorce except for the forms that are available online on the Internet at nominal prices presently. It is, however, suggested to get the initial paperwork reviewed by an experienced lawyer would be a good choice before filing the papers. This would ensure that all the requisite documents are being provided and getting a separation is only a matter of time even with individual representation in the court without the assistance of a lawyer. The list of documents to be submitted is available on the Internet on websites that help with Pro Se divorces and are relatively easy to locate.
Divorce Lawyers
Divorce can sometimes be the best option for a bad marriage. However, getting a divorce is not an easy task. The procedure usually involves a lot of legal complexities relating to the custody of children, property, alimony, child support, and other such issues. Letting a divorce lawyer deal with all of the messy issues is often the best choice for either party.
Divorce lawyers are usually lawyers that deal with family law. They are specialized in all areas of family matters and can provide sound legal counsel. It is usual, as well as safer, for both parties to use different divorce lawyers to deal with the proceedings. The divorce lawyer should provide excellent advice relating to the divorce proceedings, and also other matters that might surface later on.
Checking through the yellow pages will produce quite a list of all the lawyers practicing family law. However, the best kinds of divorce lawyers are most often known by word of mouth. Browsing through the Internet is another option to look for a good divorce lawyer. Many websites help their customers locate a good practicing family lawyer in a specific geographic area. Of course, locating a divorce lawyer through the state bar association is always an available method to those looking for accredited lawyers working for the government.
The first meeting with a divorce lawyer is the most important. It is very important to check for the lawyer’s credentials and experience in family law cases before signing an agreement. Checking the references provided by a lawyer is a good step toward verifying his success rate. Since all the lawyers that are members of AAML or the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers are highly experienced, getting one that is a member is an added bonus.
The lawyer you select should be able to provide all the legal help that will be involved in the divorce proceedings. The current number of cases that are being handled by the lawyer will also matter. Lawyers who are bogged down with work usually do not provide enough individual attention. Your lawyer must be able to be contacted at all times, either in person, or by phone.
Another important thing to consider before hiring a divorce lawyer is the fee. This could include the consultation, case-filing fee, and the method in which the fee is likely to be charged. Generally, there are ways a lawyer might charge. The first is a flat fee. The second is normally tallied at the end of the case on an hourly basis. A good lawyer should be ready to negotiate an out of court settlement or litigations from the other parties. A signed written agreement between the lawyer and the client is always the best way to seal a pact.
Hurricanes and Divorce
Many people who have been married quite a while complain that there is no spark left in their marriage, yet it is not as difficult to get spark back into a marriage. For instance consider that human bonding often occurs during adversity and the 2006 Atlantic tropical hurricane season is definitely going to be a big one and let us face it that is a lot of adversity coming out to you with 200 miles per hour winds.
If you decide not to evacuate or even if you do decide to follow the mandatory evacuation required by law then you may have one more additional experience of heavy adversity to help bond you in your marriage and this could prevent divorce or even thoughts of such action.
If you are forced to spend extra time with a loved one during such horrific events, then once you are completed you will find that you have an experience with that individual that is special and unique and having lived through a hurricane together will help re-bond your marriage.
The good thing about the Atlantic tropical hurricane season is very common and happens every year and this adversity can help not only bond you and your spouse but also your whole family. Look at the bright side the hurricane could possibly save your marriage.
Divorce And Family Law
Divorce is one aspect of family law. Family law deals with all the family related issues such as adoption, prenuptial agreements, marriage, divorce, separation, legal separation, annulment, division of the property accumulated during the marriage, alimony, negotiation, domestic violence, adjudication, child custody and support, child abduction, kidnapping or child seizure, emancipation, abuse in the marriage, parental rights, paternity, juvenile, felonies etc., and many such cases related to family. Other than this they also deal with regular cases relating to criminal laws, property related laws, probation law, trusts etc. However, majority of the cases that come to family lawyers are the divorce, separation, abuse or child custody cases. In simpler words, all the domestic litigation cases are filed under the family law.
Divorce is one aspect of family law and so is to be filed in the family law court. Many legal companies specialize in providing advice for family related issues, most common being separation, divorce and child custody and support. Approaching these companies would be advantageous in messy divorce cases. They would be able to handle with expertise all the aspects of divorce and afterward.
Lawyers and attorneys practicing family law are the best with more experience than qualifications. It is amazing how much documentation and negotiation is expected when taking care of a family related case. Along with this the lawyers must be able to support the party professionally, emotionally and morally all the while helping in separating the client from the spouse and in some instances from the children. Also, the lawyers dealing with the family law cases must be aware of the laws in that particular state as family law differs in each state. An experienced and qualified lawyer would be able to make a divorce case less painful and a lot quicker. Lawyers who are experienced in family law and handle all the necessary documentation for the same are also well versed in the divorce proceedings related documentation.
Family law attorneys charge the fee depending on the type of case. In case of divorce, the price can range depending on whether the parties have still some issues pending between them such as property division, child custody, support etc., Most attorney charge either an hourly fee or a flat rate after the case is filed and the court accepts the divorce. However, the best kind of attorneys charge by the hour as there would be less scope of getting fleeced later on after getting a big settlement or alimony from the spouse. These hourly rates can vary depending on the area or state where the case is to be held. Of course, a lawyer in New York, Beverly Hills or Los Angeles would be expected to charge a lot more than a lawyer from a small place in Iowa! Also, it is a usual practice for the attorneys to charge a retainer, as is the case with regular lawyers practicing in other fields of law. If unable to bear the retainer charges, the court can make the spouse bear the retainer charges when the court is requested for counsel fee pedente lite. Pedente lite is a court order for taking financial care of a low income spouse while court proceedings are ongoing.
Cheap Divorce Lawyers
Divorce lawyers are usually those lawyers that deal with the family law. They are specialized in all areas of family matters and can provide sound legal counsel when approached. It is usual (as well as safer) for both parties to use different divorce lawyers to deal with the proceedings.
Checking through the yellow pages would produce quite a list of lawyers practicing family law. However, the best kinds are divorce lawyers who are most well known by word of mouth. Browsing the Internet is another option to look for a good divorce lawyer. Many websites help customers locate a good practicing family law lawyer in a specific area. Of course, locating a divorce lawyer through the state bar association is an always available method for those looking for accredited lawyers working for the government.
Available online is a lot of information regarding the divorce proceedings. This can be of a big help if either party is looking for a cheap divorce. It is possible to get cheap divorce if there is no contest from either party or no other litigation with regards to child custody, and things like property rights. Knowing all the rules and divorce laws can reduce the lawyer expenses while ensuring uncomplicated settlement between both the parties as per the state divorce laws. All such information is available online and can be retrieved with minimum effort. Online lawyers are available to help in cases where an online divorce service is entertained due to lower cost. Paperwork obviously is minimal since everything is online and the best part is that it’s all completely legal!
It is important to note that cheap online divorces are only suitable for those who wish to separate without any lingering issues pending between them. No-fault divorces are usually considered cheaper. A ‘no fault’ divorce happens when both parties agree to separate peacefully.
Available online are websites that work as referral services to a number of lawyers willing to work cheap. Most of these websites provide free forms to start the divorce proceedings along with legal support at a considerably low cost. However, cheap divorces are not for those who require a lot of settlements prior to the dissolution of the marriage such as property, settlements, children, and pet custody. This is important to note since divorce decrees are final and cannot be reopened or changed at a later stage.
Georgia Divorce Laws
Getting a divorce can be a complex and messy process. However, a good divorce attorney can make the whole procedure quick and less painful.
Divorce includes a number of legalities that deal with the separation between a husband and wife. All such issues would be taken care of by a family law practitioner or an exclusive divorce lawyer specializing in that field. Interests of both the parties need to be considered during a divorce proceeding. It could be a difficult time for the whole family, and compassion, understanding and sympathy need to be part of the parcel of every divorce attorney.
The state of Georgia has a no-fault divorce policy. This means that the state does not require reasons for divorce, and the courts try to make the process as painless as possible for both parties. However, the division of assets and child custody require reasons for attainment of such. As in other states, Georgia accepts a divorce filing on the grounds of irreconcilable differences or irretrievable breakdown. Also, divorce is allowed when the partners have separated for more than a year prior to filing for the divorce. In such situations that case becomes an uncontested divorce and can be granted even when either party applies for divorce without both filing for the divorce together.
The court gets to decide who gets custody of the child. However, custody-related matters need to be finalized before the divorce is granted. The court would decide child support and custody matters while looking out for the child’s best interests, in the event that the parents are unable to decide who receives the custody of the children after the divorce. Some judges would allow the child to decide which parent he stays with. But this is usually when the child reaches an age where the parents cannot bribe or entice the child to pick them, and the child is able to take independent decisions.
When granting a divorce, the court decides on property and debt assessment, tax issues, prenuptial agreements, Social Security benefits, life insurance, disability benefits, personal injury money as well as gifts that both received while together, along with the attorney fee. In the event one of the parties is unable to bear the cost of attorney fees then they can file for counsel fee pedente lite. Other than these, financial and spousal support when relating to child custody and alimony is also taken into account. In Georgia, either party can provide alimony and, depending on the lifestyle they have been used to, the court decides the amount. Any business that was started must be considered when the partners break up. As per Georgia divorce laws, all the financial assets and properties must be divided fairly and equitably, even when they cannot be distributed equally between both the parties.
Fort Worth Divorce Attorneys
Getting a divorce is always a painful decision because it involves the emotions and lives of two or more persons. It is also one of the most complex legal processes that a person may encounter in his/her lifetime. This painful situation may arise in anyone’s life, and it is always better to be acquainted with the basic terminology. Fort Worth has a number of leading legal firms and divorce attorneys who can help you through the entire process of getting a divorce.
If you are from Fort Worth and looking for a reliable and competent divorce attorney, you need not look far. They are available in multitudes. You can check for them either online or get information about their location through the local yellow pages. Divorce attorneys are specialized attorneys and can help you out with one of the most complex legal procedures a person could ever encounter. It is an extremely emotionally draining process. It is for this very reason that you should be selective in hiring the services of a well-honed divorce attorney. He or she should be mature enough to give you a patient hearing, especially hearing your side of the story and also let you know from time to time, during the entire process, about the progress of the case. When it comes to experienced divorce attorneys, you can find them a dime a dozen in Fort Worth. They are found all through the region. You can verify their credentials from your friends or family members who may have sought their services in the past. This would give you a fair idea about the capabilities of a particular divorce attorney.
Right from the filing the petition for divorce, through the interim or temporary order, to the community property, spousal property, equitable support and child support, you have to understand the terminology in some depth. To get a fair understanding of these complex laws and their application in Fort Worth, you can go through detailed articles available online. You can also have a detailed discussion with your neighborhood divorce attorney, and get to know some of the processes involved.
Women Issues – The Children of Divorce
Children of divorced parents are also more sceptical about finding true love and settling down. Before you decide that this article is trying to spoil you from enjoying your big day, this is just to make you aware of the facts so you are more equipped to enjoy your married life fully, even though you may not have grown up in successful marital surroundings.
As child of divorce, it is important not to lose hope by thinking that you are going to commit the same mistakes your parents did. You will have to be a little optimistic and think that you have learned from the mistakes of your parents to make sure history does not repeat itself.
Here are other key points to help you: You will have to learn to forget and forgive the past. A successful marriage is difficult enough to maintain without bringing all your old laundry to it. First, make peace with your parents and forgive them. Do not blame their divorce for everything in your life. This will help you make peace with past and concentrate on the future with a fresh prospective. Remember that you are not your mom- remember that you are a different person and stop worrying about committing your parent’s mistakes. Remember that you control your fate and you make your own decisions. Also, accept that your spouse is not your dad or think that he is going to make the same mistakes as your dad did. Do not equate his mistakes to your father’s and think of the worst-case scenario. In order for you have a successful marriage, think of him as his own person, and place your complete trust on him. If he makes a mistake, be quick to forgive and enjoy each other’s company.
You are at an advantage when it comes to making mistakes. You have witnessed a failing marriage first hand. You just have to make sure that you do not perform the same mistakes in your married life. You can also look at your friends’ parents or relatives who have had successful marriages for pointers and talk to them.
Concentrate on your unique future. You should not define the path you are going to follow and base it on your parent’ union. You start by trusting your husband and placing complete faith in your relationship if you truly love him and like his company. Start building a better future with him by talking to him about your issues so he can understand you better.
As we look at today’s modern world and we can easily ask ourselves where we went wrong. However, you are not your past– remember that you are not bound to make the same mistakes unknowingly. Enjoy your married life.
Divorce – Lawyers Are The Only Winners
There is a joke out there that scientists are beginning to use lawyers in place of lab rats for their experiments. Apparently, the scientists were becoming too attached to the rats and there are some things that even rats will not do.
Is this cynical? Perhaps. But there is also an element of truth when it comes to lawyers and divorce. During a divorce, your emotions are on high alert and you may not be thinking clearly. This lack of focus for the lawyer’s clients is like blood in the water for sharks.
If you can put your emotions aside for just one moment, you and your spouse will realize that mediation is a much better option then going through lawyers and the courts.
IMPORTANT POINT – You do not need the courts to decide the division of marital assets, child support and spousal support during a divorce. You only need the courts to make the entire process official and final. If both parties in the marriage can present a self-negotiated settlement to the courts, the courts are perfectly agreeable to this option. This is why it is so important to do most of the groundwork prior to showing up in court.
If you attempt to negotiate a settlement through your respective lawyers, you will end up spending much more money then you really need to.
Imagine this scenario – lawyer A sends lawyer B a letter outlining their clients position on any particular issue. Lawyer B receives the documents from lawyer A and then issues their own document back to lawyer A acknowledging receipt of documents from lawyer A. Lawyer A then sends a quick note back to lawyer B acknowledging receipt of the receipt of the documents. If you listen carefully, you can here the lawyers laughing silently as they calculate exactly how many payments they can make on their high-end luxury car on your back.
As ridiculous as this sounds, I’m embarrassed to admit this has actually happened to me. It is maddening to know thousands of dollars were spent unnecessarily because two parties could not come to their own solution. If you let your emotions run wild, the lawyers will capitalize on this weakness and start charging you hundreds of dollars for an administrative tug of war.
I realize it is not fair to stereotype an entire profession or group of individuals but if lawyers really had their clients best interests at heart they would send their clients a letter that says – negotiate a settlement yourselves or we will charge you a bucket load of money for your stupidity.
There are other options available if you and your partner are unable to negotiate an agreement yourselves. Mediation is a viable option that can get the job done and save both parties a great deal of money. In the end, long after the divorce has been finalized and the emotions have subsided, both parties will be grateful they used mediation.
Like all things in life, choose a mediator wisely. Not all mediators are competent and effective. If you can find a mediator that both parties agree on, you are well on your way to dissolving your marriage.
Divorce Lawyer: Key to Divorce
Divorce refers to the dissolution or the legal end of a marriage. Every state has its own legal requirements governing when a divorce may be granted. These legal requirements may include a residency requirement, grounds or a reason for the divorce, among others.
The grounds for divorce may vary from being fault-based and no-fault based. All these requirements vary from state to state. Certain exceptions like ‘Irreconcilable Differences’ and ‘Irretrievable Breakdown’ are common no-fault grounds for divorce in almost all states. Your divorce could be the most important financial decision in life, as well as one of the most nerve wrecking. In such a circumstance, the key person who can see you through this is a divorce lawyer.
The divorce lawyer helps you in making extremely important financial and emotional decisions like child custody, property divisions etc. You must choose a lawyer well versed and specializing in Family Law.
You can look for a good lawyer by asking around, consulting your friends, relatives and acquaintances. A divorce lawyer with references will be more helpful than the one who is completely unknown to you and all people around.
When you first meet the lawyer, give all case facts. The fee quoted by the person will be a rough approximate as the amount of legal work involved is not very clear. Usually, they charge by the hour, and a retainer fee as an advance payment may be desired by the lawyer. You are at liberty to interview a few lawyers before choosing one to represent you in court.
To be on the safe side, it’s a good idea to enquire from the lawyers the following facts:
• The relevant experience he/she has in Family Law and number of years of practice in this field.
• Steps involved in the divorce process as well as expected time frame and legalities involved.
• Filing fee and the fee that any additional legal assistants employed will ask for.
• Inquire about the Retainer Agreement policy of the lawyer/firm.
• Billing cycle of the lawyer.
A good lawyer will answer all queries, and will try to address any concerns that you may have about legal implications or your case in general.
A good divorce lawyer:
• Will always be prepared for all your hearings.
• Will know exactly what your expectation from the case is.
• Will not be able to win all hearings.
• May not be able to answer your calls 24*7*365.
Once you and your spouse start the proceedings, do not sign any paper for your partner without express knowledge of your divorce lawyer. Litigations and negotiations are little subjective so ask your lawyer about his/her policy in this matter.
A good divorce lawyer is invaluable to your case, so you should choose one carefully. Also, once your case starts, do not change lawyers unless it is absolutely necessary as this may also harm your case. In case you are looking to change divorce lawyers, make sure that you get all information from the previous divorce lawyer such as who is the judge, necessary papers etc, so a smooth transition is possible. Once you place your trust in a lawyer, do it completely and assist him/her. After all, it is your own life.
Starting Over After Divorce
Starting over after divorce can be overwhelming. How do you learn to date again? What steps do you take to create a social life? What can you do to start your life over and not make the same mistakes you made in the past?
Men and women lose at least half of their social network when they get divorced. Their relationships with relatives, in-laws, neighbors, work colleagues, and spousal friends all shift and change. It takes determination to start building new social connections when you are alone and starting over.
Here are Five Tips to help you start over.
1. Mourning the loss of a marriage is necessary. Following that, you need to find ways to get positive.
Therapy and counseling can help. Give yourself at least a year to mend. Eventually, there comes a point when you need to change your focus. Think about what you have always wanted to do and where you have always wanted to go. Take one specific talent and polish it. Instead of dwelling on what went wrong in your life, start looking at what you have going for you.
2. Date cautiously.
The danger in the awkward pre-dating state is that you can get into a mini-marriage (a relationship that is exclusive but not committed) before you really know the person. After one or two dates, you could start seeing a person out of habit and loneliness without thinking it through. Then, you will not be available to find the love you have always wanted. When you go out, stay open to meeting lots of people, and try not to get hooked up with just one person yet.
3. Plan your weekends.
When you are alone on the weekends, you are vulnerable. Plan ahead. Call a cousin, or your mother, father, sister, brother, uncles, aunts, or nieces and nephews. You have someone in your life you can take places with you who will not look like a date, no matter what gender they are. Always have a plan for something on the weekend.
4. Find something new to do that you love.
Nothing revitalizes our life like doing activities that we love. When you do this, you will become more attractive, and will find it easier to meet others. What have you always wanted to do and kept putting off? If you don’t know where to start, pick up an adult school catalog and plan from there.
5. Visualize.
Before you go to sleep at night and before you start your day in the morning, visualize how you want your day to be. Following that, picture how you would love for your life to look all the time. What do you want to do in your work and what kind of relationships do you want around you? Picture yourself with all the love and attention you want and need.
You can build a new and wonderful life. Starting over starts with taking one step at a time. You can do it!
Prevent Divorce
From my experience couple trying to Stop Divorce are faced with many challenges, some of these issues and challenges are often very surprising. One of the people who visited my site sent me an email saying that I would not believe how easy it was to work on some parts of the prevent divorce issue, and that the hardest thing he and his wife faced was breaking the old habits, changing the way they conducted themselves, the automatic pilot that drives relationships into walls.
This is what this article is about, trying to notice the point in which you lose control over your target (preventing and stopping your divorce) and let the auto pilot drive your relationship into a difficult spot. Shedding light on a few points, I hope that you will be better equipped the next time you are facing an argument or even a discussion.
First point, is almost too easy, the blame game. How easy is this? Now honestly, think about it, almost everyone does it, and you have done it many times before, you play this stupid little game, get yourself wrapped around this idea and lose control, not only escalating the situation but getting into a mindset of blaming and anger, this would not help you, or anyone for that matter, achieve anything. What you really need to do is examine the situation, think about what you did, or what you usually do, and what your spouse does, and be as objective as you can. Make a table with the things you both do, never forget to notice the things that you do wrong, because everyone does something wrong, and admit it, to yourself and to your spouse.
Second, the “you are overreacting” sentence. How helpful was that?, men tend to say this to woman a lot, but I saw a few woman do that too, and this is a nasty one, not only do you judge your spouse, you are also criticizing their response, like you have any right to. Think about it for a moment, I am sure you will understand that this is a terrible thing to say and that in no case should you even consider saying this, take things at face value, if your partner is angry, focus on why he or she got to this situation and deal with it, don’t push it away and award the what you think is an exaggerated reaction level to your partner.
Children or family issues, this is an extremely delicate issue. Using children as weapons in arguments and fights is something a lot of people do, a classic example of losing control and saying things you live to regret for a long time. A clear stop sign, if you can see it while you are angry and upset, in a middle of an argument, try your best to avoid using your children or other family members in fights.
One last point which is the general advice I can give, when discussing things with your spouse, or even when arguing or fighting, try and make the situation even, try and balance the power and the objectivity of the situation. This means that no one has clear control over the discussion, that it is a free – equal power debate between two people and not a lecture or verbal beating to one or another person.
Avoid Divorce – Use The Four R’s
Divorce is a messy business. If both parties are truly interested in reconciling their differences, most times a divorce can be avoided. If people are willing to compromise, they can often find solutions to problems they never thought were possible.
If your marriage is going through one of those phases that all marriages eventually go through, you will find yourself in a position where a simply apology will go a very long way in helping to resolve the issue. If enough of these smaller issues are left unrecognized, a divorce will most likely be in your future.
If you have done something you need to apologize for, use the four R’s to help develop an apology that will go a very long way. Hopefully, this strategy can help avoid a divorce or in the worst-case scenario, make a divorce a little more amicable. The four R’s for a successful apology are: recognition, regret, responsibility and remedy.
RECOGNITION
You must first recognize where you have gone wrong and what you need to apologize for. If you don’t recognize the fact it may not be OK to play golf with the boys every Saturday and Sunday morning, then you maybe a single golfer before you know it. If however, you recognize playing golf every weekend with the boys may not be in the best interest of your marriage, you may want to recognize this fact and admit it to your spouse.
REGRET
After you recognize the error of your ways and admit you were wrong to play golf all weekend long, you would be well served to express regret to your spouse because of your actions. If your spouse sees sincere regret on your part, they are more likely to accept your apology as being genuine and heart felt.
RESPONSIBILITY
If you don’t want to become a single golfer, when you apologize to your spouse, you should accept full responsibility for your actions. It is useless to blame the guys for dragging you out to the course every weekend morning. It serves no purpose to blame a stressful job and the fact you require some down time with the guys in order to help you cope. You must fess up and admit the problem was caused by you and only you can help change the outcomes.
REMEDY
Once you recognize that playing golf every weekend is not acceptable and you have demonstrated sincere regret and responsible for your actions, it is time to develop a remedy to help solve the problem.
You must communicate to your spouse how you intend to remedy or change the problem so that the behavior is not repeated in the future. You must compromise with your spouse so that both of you can agree upon an acceptable time to play golf with the boys.
The Progressive NJ Divorce Lawyer
As NJ divorce attorneys, we are trained to be advocates in the process known as “adversarial. Many of us self-selected into the legal profession partly because our underlying personality and temperament traits are geared toward advocacy. Similarly, lawyers “the good ones” are typically quite inquisitive. Their questioning techniques, however, often take on the tone of cross-examination.
We can all stand to improve the way we practice the non-adversarial, settlement-oriented part of our profession by paying attention to the way we employ the principles of advocacy and inquiry.
Advocacy is stating one’s views. Examples of advocacy include: sharing how you’re feeling; describing what you’re thinking; stating a judgment; pushing for a particular course of action, decision or outcome; and making demands.
Inquiry is asking a genuine question. By asking real questions, information is truly sought. Rhetorical or leading questions are a kind of advocacy in disguise. We’ve all observed journalists and other questioners with not-so-hidden agendas pose inquiries such as, “Isn’t it true that your administration’s domestic fiscal policy has done a disservice to the elderly?” Another loaded style of pseudo question-asking might go something like, “Some people (not me, of course) might say that you handled yourself rather poorly in the first two debates. How would you respond to such criticism?”
In any discussion or conference we are engaged in, we can be high or low on advocacy. The same can be said for inquiry. Regardless of whether our advocacy and inquiry levels are high or low at a given instance, we can come across positively or negatively, depending upon our style, intent and often habit.
For instance, if we are operating from a high advocacy, low inquiry perspective, we come across quite positively if we are truly explaining our point of view. Cramming our viewpoint down the other party’s throat, conversely, is a destructive tendency. It should be mentioned that high advocacy/low inquiry results in one way communication, even if both people are engaged in it. It can be useful for giving information, but doesn’t enhance understanding of diverse perspectives or build commitment to a specific course of action. Advocacy that imposes the proponent’s views on others usually creates either compliance or resistance.
On the other hand, If we are geared up in the inquiry department, but toning down the advocacy, we can conduct meaningful, non-threatening information gathering interviews, or we can find ourselves falling into interrogation mode; a natural tendency for many NJ divorce lawyers. High inquiry/low advocacy results in one way communication in a different sense in that the inquirer refrains from stating his or her views or beliefs. While it can be quite useful for finding out information, it can create difficulties when the inquirer has a hidden agenda, or is really using the questioning process as a device to get the other person to “discover” what the inquirer already thinks is right, or both.
There are certainly times when keeping both advocacy and inquiry levels to minimum is the way to proceed. This is what we’re doing well when we are observing or listening attentively. The flip side in this realm is withdrawal. We’ve all observed this in four-way settlement conferences when a sore topic is being discussed, with one spouse preaching from the soapbox while the other checks out mentally and glazes over. Low inquiry/low advocacy also flows in one direction: Participants watch, but contribute relatively little. This approach is ideally employed when being a tacit observer is useful, but it can create difficulties when participants withhold their views on key issues.
Finally, in the context of energetic sessions when we are high in both advocacy and inquiry departments, mutual learning or appreciation of each other’s viewpoints is the objective. High advocacy/high inquiry fosters two way communication and learning. I state my views and I inquire into yours; I invite you to state your views and inquire into mine. We must be careful, particularly in the context of settlement talks, not to over-work the process. When excessive communications generate too much information density, participants become worn-out, irritable and confused or overwhelmed. Positive energy is a great thing, but it’s also important to keep dialogues down to a manageable pace. Participants need time for things to sink-in. Managing the pace of high advocacy, high inquiry discussion is also indispensable when taking into account the differences between introverted and extraverted (not a spelling error, but rather the Jungian term) personality types. While extraverts often relish high pace, high energy dialogue, introverts often find them quite distracting, if not frankly annoying.
Balancing advocacy with inquiry is necessary. Taken alone, however, the balancing process is not enough to promote a positive meeting of the minds. In order for this to occur, the quality of advocacy and inquiry is also vital. For example, “That’s a really moronic comment. How long did it take you to come up with that one?” is both a statement and a question, but it doesn’t encourage negotiated problem solving. Ideally, our use of advocacy should involve providing information to others and explaining exactly how we moved from observing or collecting this information to our view of the situation. Competent use of inquiry entails honestly seeking others’ views, probing how they arrived at them, and encouraging them to challenge our perspective. Balancing high quality advocacy with high quality inquiry makes significant breakthroughs possible.
A DOZEN PRACTICE TIPS
If we assume that we are obviously right and that our job is to get others to realize what we already know, we will be unable to promote either agreement on a specific issue or ultimate settlement. Accordingly, we are well advised to:
1) Assume from the onset that we may be missing things that others see, and seeing things that others miss. If we begin with this assumption, the result is that we will listen more intelligently and inquire more genuinely without downplaying our own views.
2) Assume that others are acting in ways that make sense to them and that they are motivated to act with integrity. (This advice applies, regardless of whether you believe another to be Demon Seed or the reincarnation of Mother Theresa of Calcutta.)
3) Attempt to understand what leads to behavior that we find problematic. Are others caught-up in dilemmas? Are we contributing to any problems?
4) Help others to understand or appreciate our viewpoints and how we think about them by giving examples of the underlying data we select. Go on to state the meaning that we find in the examples, and explaining the steps in our thinking to others.
5) Describe our understanding of the other’s reasoning.
6) If we notice negative consequences to what others may be doing, identify the consequences without attributing any intent on their part to create those consequences. Distinguish between intent and impact; between motive and outcome.
7) When choosing to disclose our emotions, we must endeavor to do so without implying that the other person is primarily responsible for creating our emotional reactions. Remember also Eleanor Roosevelt’s observation that no one can make us feel inferior without our permission.
8) Find out how others see the situation by asking them to give examples of the information they selected from which they necessarily drew the inferences which lead to their conclusions. Ask them to explain the steps in their thinking.
9) Ask for help in finding out what we may be missing by encouraging others to identify possible gaps or errors in our thinking.
10) When we have difficulty with how others are acting, ask them to explain what has prompted them to act as they have done, in a tone that suggests they may have a reasonable answer.
11) Inquire into others’ feelings and emotions, but don’t ask, “What’s your problem?” or “Why do you get so worked up?” Say, instead, “You appear to be sad about something, am I right? Do you feel comfortable talking about it?”
12) Ask for help in exploring whether we are unknowingly contributing to the problem. Quite often, well-intended action on our part is problematic for others.
These tips have been extraordinarily helpful to many, both in their work and private lives. I hope that you will find them helpful.
Thee Questions To See If You Are Headed For Divorce
There are many self-help books out there that can help you determine if you are headed for a divorce. An entire industry of Dr. Phil copycats has made a great deal of money preying upon the emotional instability that accompanies a divorce.
While nothing related to a divorce or separation can be simplified into three simple questions, the following questions can certainly help you get a better understanding of your marital stability.
Do you both agree on the amount of sexual activity in your relationship?
If the answer is no – WARNING! If you and your partner are miles apart on the amount of sexual activity you both consider appropriate for your relationship, you really should address this problem as soon as possible.
Ultimately, if a couple is not in agreement about the level of sexual activity within their relationship, problems will arise. This discrepancy often leads to feelings of resentment or bitterness. Sex, intimacy, love and a successful relationship often all go hand in hand. It’s finding that correct balance that couples can agree upon which is most important.
Do you both argue and not talk to one another for a couple of days?
If the answer is yes – WARNING! If you and your partner go to bed angry at one another and often don’t talk to one another after an argument for an extended period of time, you may have some serious issues that need to be dealt with.
The longer issues go unresolved, the bigger these issues will become. It is better to deal with the regular issues that arise in a marriage right away. Offer forgiveness and have a frank and open discussion about how you feel.
Do you take separate vacations?
If you have always taken vacations together and suddenly one of the partner’s starts expressing an interest in having separate vacations, you should really consider this a warning sign. Why does one of the partners suddenly want a separate vacation? Why do they want separate time? This is probably indicative of a deeper underlying problem.
Many people would suggest that separate vacation time is an important part of a healthy relationship. Conversely, other people would submit that this is the beginning of the end a healthy relationship.
The most important thing to consider when it comes to separate vacations is weather or not both partners have always agreed that separate vacations are important or if this happens over a period of time.
Divorce – Are You Feeling Cheated?
Are you feeling relieved after divorce or cheated? After many divorces people feel happy while in many rather more cases they feel cheated. Why? Divorce it self is a very painful process and the times that lead to divorce are more painful. The question is why get the sense of feeling cheated after getting divorce? Let us talk about this.
Relationship demands giving – People give a lot to their marriage; most of them do it except few. Right from the development of relationship, a lot of time, emotional energy and physical resources are given to make it work. During marriage the investment goes higher. Most of the partners want the marriage to work. There are exceptions that unbelievably want to destroy because of psychological problems. When cracks develop in the marriage, lot more effort is made to save the marriage and when the marriage breaks after putting in so much effort, one feels cheated.
Is this true for all? This is not true for all. There are few individuals who don’t give anything in marriage. They ask for it. The demand and contribute nothing. That is the game of selfishness played by them. So these people will never feel cheated. They will only feel bad that they lost an easy victim.
What should you do? The only way out is to forget the losses. Try to erase the past as much as possible. This will be difficult, but break the pain bit by bit. Work on it and it will go away one day. Try to forge another relationship and forget what went wrong. Cut your losses as soon as possible.
How To Stop A Divorce
Divorce appears to be the new tendency in marriages these days. The entire globe appears to have jumped on the bandwagon which is endlessly being caused by split-ups in the entertainment industry. The holiness of wedlock is being sacrificed and it has turned into a marketplace for divorce- driven oblects such as divorce attorneys.
A great many people believe that obtaining a divorce is the sole means to pull out of a distressed relationship. However, as the wonderful philosopher Aristotle said, “There is always a third option.” Regarding individuals that believe that obtaining a divorce is the same thing as being contented, try thinking it through again. A current study that was lead by Ms. Linda Waite of the University of Chicago disclosed that divorced individuals are not any happier. An additional even more amazing reality that was uncovered by the research is that 67% of the individuals that became distressed about their marriages later stated that they were happy in their marriages five years later. Her group additionally discovered that a preponderance of devotedly wedded pairs had undergone long durations of sadness in their unions. The distinction is that the pair remained with the relationship and discovered answers to their difficulties.
Matrimony is designed to connect the inner souls of two individuals together. The marriage loses its holiness in the complete circumstance of splitting up. There exist more methods than one to stop divorce. Listed below are a few valuable points that someone can use in trying to rescue their marriage.
-Communication is the Key Virtually all differences advance to fights as a result of the absence of communication. A few pairs merely discuss chores and projects. Maintaining an open line of communication would maintain the frankness in the relationship and prevent concealed perceptions that could prod significant emotional harm.
-There Are No Perfect Relationships The fundamental lessons of economics dictate to us that any time we remain with one thing, we are consistently excluding something else. Divorces are commonly spurred by unfaithfulness and third-party affairs. Keep in mind that no relationship is perfect. Problems between marriage partners is no reason for unfaithfulness, actually it ought to make their relationship stronger.
-Look For Assistance In case everything else does not work the way you hoped it would and you have attempted to solve the difficulty between the pair of you, seek outside help. There exist professional marriage counselors that are able to help marriage partners with problems to get back on the right track. There’s no harm in seeking assistance.
Keep in mind that divorce has its penalties, which include tremendous monetary losses. Even more significantly, it taints marriage and completely finishes relationships. What it comes down to is that if there is more than sufficient love that exists within a home, divorce will not ever rear it ugly head.
Are You Still Emotionally Trapped By Your Parent’s Divorce?
What is the emotional impact of divorce on children who experience it?
Well some are:
1. The emotional shock of losing the family structure and home.
2. The wrenching guilt that comes with having to choose between parents.
3. The deep fear of feeling and/or being abandoned by a parent.
4. The trauma of acrimonious proceedings.
5. The lack of mature relationship models that leading them to later mistrust relationships.
6. A fear and belief of having been the cause of the divorce along with feelings of guilt and self loathing.
7. Grief at having to give up friendships and familiar surroundings.
8. The feelings of embarrassment, shame and humiliation among one’s peers.
9. A deep sense of insecurity, feelings of low self esteem and low self worth.
And so on…
Much of this trauma becomes stored in the mind and body and can pose significant limitations on one’s future success in relationships.
It’s not uncommon to see such individuals either withdrawing from relationships all together or repeating parental dysfunctional patterns and becoming re-traumatized by their own divorces.
It’s often said that “trauma begets trauma”. In this case one could add that “divorce begets divorce”.
Often the trauma of divorce takes on a life of its own and dominates the life course of an individual making them feel like a reluctant passenger.
The cycle can be broken and children of divorced parents can reclaim control over the trajectory of their lives by effectively releasing this trauma from within.
A new modality I developed over 10 years ago called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) (MRP) has shown the powerful ability to help individuals quickly, painlessly, easily and permanently release large swaths of emotional trauma from within their minds and bodies.
This results in a renewed sense of self that is accompanied by self confidence, self esteem, self worth, feelings of joy, contentment, resilience, inner peace, security, an ability to be one’s genuine and honest self without fear of intimacy or rejection, an ability to open one’s heart to self love and to loving others and to a new and more effective way of forging mature relationships that last.
Divorce, Facts and Fictions
United States is a country with a very high rate of divorce. The record number of divorces per year leads to many practical problems for the spouses seeking divorce. And one of the greatest among them is high cost of divorce attorney.
The divorce definitely affects both the parties and perhaps it leaves worst impact on the kids. The psychological trauma at the tender age is too hard for them to resist.
Whatever the reason of the divorce it always ends in disturbing the normal routine. One needs to think 10 times before taking such a step as it has greater and wider impact than one can think of. It affects you psychologically and hampers you economically.
One ought to really strive arriving at a compromise than seeking at once for divorce. And if one has really decided to take that step he/she must plan meticulously to make things systematic and smooth. It is advisable to talk to divorce attorney before actually breaking your idea to your spouse; as a legal expert will guide your way to smooth divorce. Like, he/she may advise you to get some vital information about your spouses so as to prevent you from false claims of moneys, rights, etc.
Secondly, if you have kids then you need to plan together how to tell them about your separations. It is better if two of you can together talk to them about your separation. Children normally have greater impact and hence may need your priority. Try to keep everything as peaceful as it can be.
Choose a good attorney who has good court record and be clear and veracious while briefing him your case. Follow his/her instructions and act accordingly. Decide each and every issue clearly and if possible mutually. One of the major issues pertaining to divorce is the issue of child custody. If possible decide it mutually or fight or claim your rights clearly. Mostly the cases of child custody are reviewed in the same court in which divorce case is being preceded. Make all your points clear including the relationship of your child with your ex and his/her family.
Whether to keep your relationship with your ex partner or not depends completely on both of you. The only thing advisable here is to be faithful to your present partner, if you have decided to enter into another relationship.
Do not take any step casually think over it again and again; consult a legal expert rather than simply trusting your conscience for the matter.
Test – Are You Heading Towards Divorce?
Divorce is not like a volcano. One fine day, we find that a volcano has erupted. Divorce happens over a period of time. The relationship breaks down continuously and we realize that life can no longer be lived together. Many couples wake up when the break down has become total. That becomes very difficult to save the marriage. After that they spend endless nights worrying about what to do – To go for divorce or not? Why not to take care of the relationship today and find out how it is and what care it needs. What changes will make it better? And improve it before it reaches the brink?
Ask questions such as – Am I happy in my marriage/ Is my partner happy? Am I emotionally satisfied? What about my partner? Is marriage giving us joy or pain? Are we still in love? Is one of us feeling victimized? Shall we grow together till our old age? Are we loyal to each other? What kind of relationship do we share now? Are we feeling sick of each other? And so on. Raise as many questions about your marriage, yourself and your partner as you can think of. Take some online tests and quizzes on marriage and relationship. That will give lot of thought to your mind.
As you think of questions, you will start thinking more deeply about where you are heading. Find out all that is going wrong. Try to improve that. Discuss with your partner about what you think. Find out all that is going right. Make it still better. Think, plan and act. Before thinking, test your marriage in all the possible ways. Wake up now. Tomorrow may be too late.
Estate Planning and Insurance Concerns When You Divorce
If you are getting a divorce from your spouse, you have a lot of planning to do. You will need to name your own beneficiaries, organize your divided assets, and set up your individual estate.
It is important that you meet with a qualified attorney to discuss the specifics of planning your estate to ensure that your wishes are carried out as you desire. You need to be well versed in the most strategic methods of dividing your joint estate so that you do not end up paying all of the taxes while he or she enjoys the benefits of your assets.
I have outlined some important information for you to be aware of when planning your estate after your divorce. Please keep in mind that divorces lend themselves to new structures for individuals. You will want to meet with a qualified attorney to discuss how to best protect your new estate.
Assigning Your Beneficiary
During your marriage, chances are your spouse was the sole or major beneficiary of your estate. After your divorce, it is important that you designate a new beneficiary on all of your documents and for all of your accounts.
The federal law called ERISA pre-empts state laws that automatically remove an ex-spouse as the beneficiary of retirement plans. Therefore, it’s important that you remove the ex-spouse as the beneficiary unless you wish for him or her to remain as your designated beneficiary.
Please note: Once you re-name your beneficiary, it is possible that your ex-spouse will still retain the rights to part of your retirement benefits that you accrued during the time of your marriage. I recommend consulting with a qualified estate planning attorney to determine just how much of your benefits and estate will be designated to your ex-spouse after your divorce.
Dividing Your Assets
During the course of your divorce, you and your ex-spouse determine how your joint estate will be divided. Take a minute to review a few assets that you will need to divide: 1) appreciated assets, such as mutual funds, and stocks; 2) real estate, including investments, repairs, insurances and mortgages; 3) personal property, such as jewelry, artwork and clothes; 4) retirement plans, such as qualified plans and IRA’s; and 5) your home, which can be divided in different ways to meet both parties’ financial needs.
Establishing a Trust
Many people will create a Trust to ensure that a designated Trustee will have control over funds after death. There are three Trusts that you can explore when planning your estate:
1. The Revocable Living Trust helps you avoid probate by allowing your Trustee to distribute your assets according to the instructions that you have outlined.
2. The Children’s Trust allows you to designate funds that your child will use later in his life to pay for his education, home, etc.
3. The Irrevocable Life Insurance Trust, otherwise known as “ILIT”, allows you to distribute the death benefit estate tax-free when and how you want, even long after you’re gone.
Divorce is never easy. It’s typically a very long and arduous process as both parties work to get their portions of the shared assets. If you’re going through a divorce it is important to speak with a qualified attorney who can walk you through all of the tax and asset considerations that you need to be aware of to ensure that you receive the best possible settlement.
Divorce: Learn, Let Go, and Live More Fully
Are you on the brink of a divorce? In the process? Already divorced, and wondering how you’re going to move forward as a single person? The first thing to remember is: everything happens for a reason. You are right where you are supposed to be.
This may not be what you want to hear. Most people going through a divorce never thought they would be in that situation. The breakup of a marriage can be disconcerting and bring about a flood of grief, anger, and depression. Yet, learning how to move on from a divorce can allow us to heal so that we grow and become better, stronger human beings.
In working with divorced people, it is apparent that the breakdown of a relationship can be quite a shock. No matter how long you have been miserable in the relationship, coming to that final decision to separate can be quite traumatic and stay with you for a long time. Sometimes it may seem surreal, taking months or years for the reality to just sink in.
During the initial period of divorce, you may be asking yourself dozens of questions about what went wrong. You may be trying to figure out who is at fault, what you did wrong, why the other person left, and many other questions. Sometimes you can feel like you are drowning in self-doubt and questioning. Yet, there are ways to change your thinking so that you are moving in a more productive and healing direction.
By thinking more positively about your relationship, even though it may have ended, you can get better perspective on yourself and your relationship. Focus on how things started with you and your ex-spouse and how you were together. Figure out what attracted you to each other and why things were good. Then you can question how things changed and what outside factors impacted your relationship. Ultimately you will want to determine why you could not overcome your differences. Though these thoughts will be upsetting sometimes, they allow you to see ways for you to grow emotionally and spiritually. Journaling or writing letters may help you work through your thoughts about these questions so that you can learn to let go of the guilt, anger, despair and confusion you have been feeling.
While you are trying to work through the deeply rooted emotional upheaval in your life, you may also need to do some things to keep the practical tasks of everyday life in order. By keeping track of your responsibilities, you will gain some perspective of your life and realize that life will go on even though you are single. Make arrangements for how you and your spouse will handle vacations and holidays for your children. This will alleviate conflicts later.
Create a budget and/or a schedule to help yourself get things done. There is a significant change happening in your lifestyle, and with all of the emotions surrounding this change, having a practical approach to your money and time can ease some of that burden. Make sure, though, that you schedule some fun activities for you during your day and week. Sometimes that time appreciating art, nature, or activities can allow you to move on a bit every day from your breakup. Also, maintaining and sticking to a budget can keep other stress from compounding the sense of loss you feel from the divorce.
While taking a practical approach to moving on is helpful, so is taking a spiritual approach. Divorce can take its toll on your mind, body, and spirit. Journaling can be helpful in the healing process, but so can meditation or support groups. Sometimes connecting with yourself and others can help you understand what you are feeling and have confidence that your emotions are normal. However, if you feel that you are slipping further into depression or you are having suicidal thoughts, you should seek professional assistance immediately.
Learning to move on after divorce is important to allowing your mind, body, and soul to heal. As you work through your emotions and connect to yourself and others you will find yourself getting stronger little by little. Remember that grief is normal and healing takes time, but working through it will allow you to become a stronger, more well-adjusted person who embraces life and lives it well.
Ultimately, the choice is yours. If you want to learn from your marriage, you will. It was not a “failure” if you have taken some lessons with you, and are willing to work on those things in yourself that get in the way of true intimacy. Give yourself permission to heal and let go at your own pace, and, at the same time, allow yourself to look forward with anticipation to the future. You will be re-inventing yourself and your new life. It’s like a second chance to live a full, purposeful, balanced and joyous life. Don’t miss this gift!
Dating and Divorce – When are you Safe to Re-enter the Dating Pool?
Many people who are going through a divorce think that it is all right to start dating again, considering they are getting a divorce anyway. However, these people may fail to realize that the timing of your new relationship can have severely impact the divorce proceedings.
Obviously, as an adult you are free to associated with whomever you choose. However, if you engage in sexual relations before your final divorce decree this will be viewed adultery. Adultery can affect your divorce in many ways.
If there are children involved, adultery may prevent you from being granted any custody rights. It may also have a detrimental affect of visitation rights. If you still manage to retain your children, you may receive less child support than you otherwise would. Conversely, you may be forced to pay more for child support than you would if you refrained from adultery.
“As far as dating and divorce goes, my best advice is to wait,” says Karen Meislik, a divorce attorney in New Jersey. “Although you want to move on with your life, you simply should not risk the financial loss as well as the added emotional effect that dating can have on the divorce proceedings.”
The amount of financial support you receive may also be decreased if you are cohabitating before your final divorce decree. If you decide to move in with someone you are having a sexual relationship with, New Jersey divorce courts will consider this when deciding child support and alimony. Again, it is in your best interest to wait until the divorce is final.
A divorce is a very difficult time. You may just want to forget about your problems at home, go out, have a good time, and meet someone new. Although this is the most desirable solution, it may be the worst decision you could make. Dating during your divorce can harm you financially as well as emotionally. You may not be ready for another relationship.
Divorce Avoidance – Part 14 – Simple Easy Connection Formula
Your workable Divorce Avoidance Formula is ready to be used by you. It is both easy and simple to use. You begin to see its power when you ask yourself the all-important question.
When did we lose our special “connection”?
With more than 25 years of experience in divorce avoidance I have found one key to remaining happily married.
It centers on the word “connection”.
When you are “connected” your marriage is a blessing to both of you.
When you are not connected strife prevails. And divorce is often the result.
So the key is to stay connected.
Connection Strategy 1 – Stay Connected With Your Hearts
It has often been said that a family that prays together stays together. Prayer works well in keeping husbands and wives
connected. Even in times when they have agreed to disagree about some things.
Connection here is also gained by husband and wife both hanging on to the same hope. The hope that the marriage will survive its current attack.
Your connection by way of your feelings should never be underestimated.
Connection Strategy 2 – Stay Connected With Your Heads
Mental connection is absolutely necessary for the Divorce Avoidance plan to work.
When you find yourselves not able to agree on even the small things then you have an early sign of trouble.
You need to reach agreement on as many issues as possible.
Stay on the same “page” mentally and you will have the battle well under control.
Don’t be afraid to raise issues needing agreement. But be sure you have an attitude of wanting to give your life partner some ground. Show a clear desire to move in the direction of agreeing with them.
Connection Strategy 3 – Stay Connected With Your Bodies
Early signs of lack of connection in this area include an inability to touch one another, to hug or to share the same bed.
No matter what the reason given for each of you not feeling comfortable with body contact any longer you have to work through this.
Confront the issues. Give ground to one another but at least get to the point where you are comfortable with hugging one another. Sincerely.
This is a key step for you to take in getting this Simple easy Formula working.
You now have the three part Simple Easy Connection Formula for Divorce Avoidance.
Success in your marriage belongs to you.
Your only responsibility is to apply what you’ve learned.
You can choose to begin today.
It will work.
Just get started.
Divorce, Marriage and the Sanctity of It All
There seems to be a debate brewing and the sound and fury is indeed loud and clear. The Gay and Lesbian Community want their rights to get married. Some say this could lead to divorce amongst straight people, although that is probably not going to happen. But there is a number of people very worried about the sanctity of marriage in America and another problem of the gay fringe activists which are a little more out of control than many realize.
Let me state my premise; The gay fringe using unlawful abuse of power, extortion techniques, slander and unlawful acts are indeed slowing down the G & L Communities efforts for marriage. I further state that they will not listen to anyone and need mentoring from people they respect; I believe that to be the G & L Community itself. I stand by all those statements and nothing you have said even remotely challenges those observations and real experiences.
In discussing this with a gay activist they and their friends immediately started name calling, yet their comments that; I am afraid, homosphobic, a bigot, need psychiatric help, paranoid and all the others are not really too concerning to me, as they simply are not so. It appears the gay and lesbian community will not own up to the fact that their own radical fringe is indeed slowing their movement.
Many people are glad, because they do not want gays to get married. I was further told by the gay activists after the called me every name in the book that I was in fear and they stated; “One thing about dealing with fear is understanding this, and realizing that things will be okay despite that.”
Yes that’s me alright, so fearful, so afraid, so worried that my shadow might say “Boo!” I fell so helpless and weak now that you have uncovered that I am merely a little boy so fearful? Sure that’s it! The problem here is there is name calling all the way around from both sides, yet the gay fringe is not interested in communication, only threats, slander and extortion tactics. They are full on locked and loaded for war over gay marriage.
Divorce, Marriage and Of Course Men and Woman
Marriage is between a man and a woman, yet we have heard lately some extremely loud opposition to this in the media. Even more troubling is the fringe group growing with in the gay and lesbian community; a fringe, which will need to be mentored by the larger group to prevent animosity with the majority of folks and potential harmful conflict as well. Yet when this is explained to the LGBT Community they will not take responsibility for their fringe and they state;
“How am I supposed to “mentor the fringe”. Where do I find such people? Do I go out to a meeting of an LGBT organization, and whenever I see someone being a hothead tell them to cool it? Is that what you mean?”
Well sure tell them to cool it, with regards to threats and insults and wanting to go break things or hurt people. But that is not the main point, rather intellectually assist their thought process and explain all the things you have told me. Such as people are people. People fear. Maybe explain to them if people are disrespected they want revenge and that adds fuel to the fire and in the long run hurts you as much as it hurts them.
When kids screw up in gangs and such there are methods, which can be used to help them into a better way to challenge their energies so they can win the game. I am not saying dump the political activism, what I am saying abstractly is explain why eco-terrorism hurts the cause of environmentalism rather than helping it. Burning down something and causing millions of dollars of damage and air pollution is hypocritical to the message. Instead have them use their brains and energies in a positive way.
One gay activist and transsexual partner states; “And your suggestion about “mentoring” is frankly insulting to those who are very active, implying that they’re young children who just need guidance.”
The fringe I am referring do act like young children and they very much need guidance. Big time. They are not helping the G & L Community, they are hurting the near term achievement they seek. Now long-term, it makes no difference in the over all scheme of things, it is obvious to me and should be to anyone watching that gay marriage in the US will be legal sometime in the coming decade, perhaps just after. In 50-years people will wonder what the big deal was in the first place and how could anyone think it should not be legal.
Marriage and Divorce Trends Discussed
There are many trends we are constantly watching in America regarding marriage. We watch how many kids are born out of wedlock, how many divorces there are and now we are seeing a new emerging trend. That is the gay and lesbian community movement to make gay marriage legal.
Unfortunately there is a problematic fringe element with in the gay and lesbian community, which is completely vocal and even goes farther than that with threats, slander and even extortion type tactics. But when an activist in the gay and lesbian community is approached on this subject they often say things like;
“In fact, if you do study trends, you know that social change is most often created by “the fringe”.”
Indeed a fringe creates synergy and the synergy follows creating a trend. But the fringe also can be a downfall or create a negative trend. (negative from your perspective, positive from the Christian Hard Right). I kind of am wondering why the G & L Community is allowing the combative, threatening, slandering and lawbreaking Homosexual fringe to help the Christian Right deny the G & L Community their goal.
Thus my comments are relevant. Just read any Blog thread on the gay marriage debate and you will see some very angry people on the other side too, mostly due to their Biblical belief systems or religious leaders telling them what to think. Nevertheless, I can see it all plain as day, maybe because it does not affect me. Controversy and Chaos and all the mass media hysteria of sound and fury in between is of course interesting, but in the end seems silly considering the obvious future of it all. The gay fringe is fighting back and the Christian right is not letting up. Let’s hope we do not get any more reverse hate crimes?
We Must Protect the Sanctity of Marriage to Stop Divorce
Why get married if it does not mean anything any more? Why stay married if no one seems to care? Why get married if marriage is no longer between a man and woman. Marriage is between a man and a woman, indeed the way nature had intended it to be.
Recently when I mentioned to a gay and lesbian activist, actually a stated transsexual, that the gay fringe was causing a huge rift between the straight and gay populations, she, he or it? Stated that “You really think you have a knack for dividing queer people, don’t you? It really is something.”
Meaning, that my comment was trying to divide their groupings. Interesting as she, he or it, or whatever seemed to consider my observations were to attack, divide and conquer the gay community. Well, no, yet I understand having studied Machiavellian Theory, Sun Tzu, Carl von Clauswitz, Colonel Boyd, Primate Politics and Guerilla Warfare what it was saying here. And I am sorry if it took it that way.
Indeed my only comment here is that the fringe group, who will violate others rights and break the law to push their agenda, is doing so at the expense of your group and indeed causing the G & L Community to look rather unfit to lead. I suggested mentoring this fringe and even using their abundant energies to propel your agenda, rather than allowing it to create such random animosity that it turns off the silent majority to listen to their reasoning.
So, in actuality one could say that I was helping their cause not hurting it, with relevant issues, observation and advice. You see, if gays and lesbians get married, who cares? Doesn’t matter to me one bit. But I just do not see it happening right now or soon if the fringe keeps setting back the voice of reason and a rational call for equal rights under the law. Pointing that fact out is hardly anti-gay, bigotry or homophobic.
Marriage, Transsexuality and Divorce
It may not seem relevant to you but some gays and lesbians have gotten sex changes so they can get married since marriage is between a man and a woman. Now if someone is already of trans sexual nature, I suppose that would make sense.
Don’t ask me how but this topic came up in online debate of gay and lesbian marriages and the civil rights. And it seems that if trans sexuals can get married why not gays and lesbian? Interesting point, but how many people are actually genetically qualified to be called transsexual? Well one person stated;
“I didn’t know what “transsexuality” meant. I didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to be a girl. I really did think I’d just become a girl as I aged. So I was pretty ignorant of some things. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t a queer kid and would have been much better off had all this been understood and accepted by people.”
Indeed and this is your story, but the 1-2% which is actually like this in any species is not the 6-8% which are calling themselves gay now or being labeled as such by peers for giving into the temptation and hormonal changes of adolescence or the new found availability of such potential partners willing to satisfy a curiosity.
All species from butterflies up have a percentage, which is dissimilar, those unique characteristics should be honored not chastised as uniqueness makes the whole stronger. Uniqueness is a good think in society; the meatheads in life just have not figured it out yet.
Yet this transsexual felt differently than science explains this phenomena; “You’re not even in the right ballpark when it comes to me. Being trans has almost nothing to do with “sexual experimentation”. Trans people are barely on the radar screen of bigots at this point — we’re still in a situation of almost total invisibility in mainstream culture although it’s certainly starting to change.”
It seems in going over this issue there is a gap between public understanding of transsexuals, their own understanding of themselves and how the biological scientific community understands these issues. So we must indeed consider all this.
Futurists, Marriage and Divorce Trends
The sanctity of marriage is said to be under fire in our nation and indeed the gay and lesbian community are often blamed by the Christians, as they complain of this problem. Marriage is considered between a man and a woman. But there is a problem brewing, one we have a politically active gay and lesbian community and within their group is a fringe element which is really seemingly out of control in many regards, using threats, extortion tactics and slanderous remarks at a drop of the hat.
You see, I am a futurist Jen, I watch trends, I see things like this in the future. Indeed my goal is to hope someone reads this and gets together to mentor the fringe so they do not take it upon themselves to take their frustration and anger to the next level and really mess things up for everyone. I am seriously worried that the gay fringe, which I mentioned has members who will commit violent acts. I see it plain as day.
All the warning signs are there it is only a matter of when. Just like before the Colombine School Shootings. But it can be prevented; I know it can. Someone needs to sit down with these folks and talk with them. When violence events like this occur they will make national news, the TV loves chaos and controversy, but it will be also at the expense of the G & L Communities goals for lawful marriage. We must be careful of this social time bomb ticking and watch closely the fringe and the trends.
Divorce – A Painful and Protracted Process
You are having a turbulent marriage life and wanted to end it. Divorce is the solution. Divorce is the word used to describe the legal dissolution of a marriage. The party who files the petition is called plaintiff. The petition for divorce is submitted with the country’s clerk office. The friend of the court receives copies of the petition to facilitate development of local policies and procedures. The defendant or the other party may dispute some of the claims by plaintiff and the case is then contested in the court of law.
The consultancy of an attorney before breaking your plans to your spouse will be a wise option. By doing so you will have a complete set of legally protected steps to follow making your position stronger and safer. You need to speak every minute detail with your attorney whether it is the matter of child custody or an issue regarding your rented accommodation. An initial consultation will allow you to ask questions, and an attorney can offer advice specific to your situation. It will help you to plan your moves strategically as well.
The attorney may also get a temporary order to maintain the similar status in relationship during the proceeding tenure of divorce. Child support and parenting time may be included in these orders.
The final judgment of divorce must include:
•Responsibilities and rights regarding the care, control and maintenance of minor children (Child custody)
•Parenting time, i.e. will the child have contact with other party
•Property Settlement, i.e. how shall the acquired property be divided
•Financial obligation of other party towards the child
•What contribution, if any, should one party make to support the other, either permanently or temporarily? (Spousal support)
•Restoration of maiden name: can wife take back her maiden name
•Will the minor children be taken away from the present state by the custodian?
•Will the grandparents be allowed to meet the children?
•How will the tax laws be considered in deciding support and property matters? Will the parties consider college expenses?
In case of involvement of minor children, the court has to wait for six months following the time of submission of divorce petition. The friend of the court may intervene during this period, and sometime the parties may reconcile.
After the completion of six months the case is scheduled for hearing before the Judge. In many cases, the matters are resolved and the court simply takes the testimony of one of the parties and grants the divorce. The divorce papers are called judgment of divorce. The judgment is prepared by attorney and is presented to the judge for his signature.
Important Tips for the People Seeking Divorce
•Seek consultancy of an attorney before breaking the news to your spouse
•Collect all critical information regarding the spouse income and assets so you can calculate a reasonable figure for spousal and/or child support in the divorce settlement
•Assess your own earnings potential, learn about your family’s financial holdings, assess the debt, and make photocopies of all the relevant records
•Determine where you are going to live following the separation and figure out all expenses
•Save up money, build up your own credit and cancel charge cards, if any
•Take property that belongs to you and move it out of the house, and don’t make any unnecessary purchases
•Pick the right time to break the news to your spouse and children
Divorce Avoidance – Part 13 – Insider Secrets of R.A.O.K.
Your about to learn of insider secrets from a 25 veteran of divorce avoidance. They are simple techniques to give you increased fresh favor in the eyes of your wife. I refer to them as Insider Secrets of R.A.O.K.
Insider Secrets of R.A.O.K. stands for Insider Secrets of Random Acts of Kindness.
My wife highly values both sameness and pleasant surprises.
When it comes to the time I depart for work and the time I return home she wants a well established routine. This produces a flow in our relationship she treasures.
At the same time when it comes to my quality sharing time with her sameness is the last thing she wants.
She wants me to treat her regularly as someone that I have rediscovered as the gorgeous girl in my life.
Knowing this I practice my R.A.O.K.’s at well chosen times.
When she has come out from the hairdressers is one such time.
I put aside everything I’m doing and take time to check out her new hairstyle in detail. I really focus on her and her new image.
Make her feel special at times like this and you will remain friends for life as you reap the harvest of Insider Secrets of
Random Acts of Kindness.
Divorce Courts and Destroying the Sanctity of the Institution of Marriage
Many straight couples are up in arms over gay marriages and the gay and lesbian associations and their communities are saying; what’s the big deal. The Christian Right is busy quoting scriptures and the Christian Fringe is calling them all “Heathen Scoundrels who will burn in hell for all of eternity.” But will gays being allowed to marry cause a destruction of the sanctity of the Institution of Marriage?
Many pro-gay marriage right folks are saying; What; Destroying the Sanctity of the Institution, forget about the 65% of all marriages end in failure. Meaning it is already thoroughly destroyed and of course this was way before any homosexuals ever got married? Will homosexuals have a lower divorce rate? Many believe so.
Speaking of which you know once gay marriage is legalized you will really be supporting the lawyers since there will now be a whole new area of family law? I can see a fringe family gay marriage lawyer in the courtroom wearing a rainbow tie and waving his hands frantically at the jury describing why their client should get more alimony? Sounds like the funny farm will be our already ridiculous courts?
Just think gay marriage will be starting a whole new industry and the ABA American Bar Association for lawyers will just love them all to pieces. Think how much money they are going to make. Well that is of gay divorces are even half of straight people divorces by percentage.
Does Your EX Want To Get Back Together?
Are you divorced, or getting ready to be divorced? Does your Ex call you more often than he or she used to? Are they acting like they want to get back together? Do you feel like you were just starting to move on with your new life when suddenly you are being pulled back into your old one?
According to my emails and letters from readers, interaction with the Ex is the number one stressor in their lives.
This is an understandable situation. It’s hard to handle all these emotions from the past when you are alone. Especially around the holidays when there are children involved. Other dynamics that come into play, causing an Ex to want to get back together, are when the new relationship gets old, and when the old wife (or husband) starts to get a new life.
This is my experience with reconciliation: unless BOTH parties go to counseling, the getting back together usually doesn’t work out. There will be a short “honeymoon” period, followed by the returning reality of the way it used to be. The same issues that drove them apart the first time will re-surface in the marriage. So if you want to get back together, find yourself a good therapist.
Think about rebuilding from a place of strength—not neediness. Before you are ready to settle down, think about the following:
* Do you have your career on track?
You always need to know that you can take care of yourself, have work that supports you financially and emotionally, and be doing something that you are proud of. Being a responsible, take-care-of-yourself person gives you confidence, makes you more attractive, and provides less of a tendency to choose someone who will lift your financial burden. Some women have bartered themselves for a gilded cage. A caged bird does not sing.
* What else can you do to fulfill your dreams?
Sit still and ask yourself what you have always wanted to do. What do people come to you for? Somewhere between those two questions, you may get on track to find your calling. Then, make plans to go back to school, get some training, take some on-line courses, get a mentor, or be an understudy with someone who has a career you want to know more about.
* Do you have a list of the non-negotiable requirements you want in a partner?
I’m not talking about eye color and height. I’m talking about the hidden agenda we all have of expectations of how someone has to be in order to share our life. Often, people don’t know what their requirements are until it is too late, because they had never thought about them.
* Do you feel emotionally strong in your life?
Take a long look at what it would take for you to feel whole and healed. Do you need counseling, addiction intervention, a visit to the doctor, or a stronger network of friends and family? Find a support group that can give you feedback and strength.
Whatever relationship you choose to be in, make sure that it supports your growth and self esteem. You want to continue to live your life surrounded by people who love you and treat you well. And with the help of a good family therapist, who knows what can happen?
Divorce – Are You Heading Towards It? Test Now
Divorce is not like a volcano. One fine day, we find that a volcano has erupted. Divorce happens over a period of time. The relationship breaks down continuously and we realize that life can no longer be lived together. Many couples wake up when the break down has become total. That becomes very difficult to save the marriage. After that they spend endless nights worrying about what to do – To go for divorce or not? Why not to take care of the relationship today and find out how it is and what care it needs. What changes will make it better? And improve it before it reaches the brink?
Ask questions such as – Am I happy in my marriage/ Is my partner happy? Am I emotionally satisfied? What about my partner? Is marriage giving us joy or pain? Are we still in love? Is one of us feeling victimized? Shall we grow together till our old age? Are we loyal to each other? What kind of relationship do we share now? Are we feeling sick of each other? And so on. Raise as many questions about your marriage, yourself and your partner as you can think of. Take some online tests and quizzes on marriage and relationship. That will give lot of thought to your mind.
As you think of questions, you will start thinking more deeply about where you are heading. Find out all that is going wrong. Try to improve that. Discuss with your partner about what you think. Find out all that is going right. Make it still better. Think, plan and act. Before thinking, test your marriage in all the possible ways. Wake up now. Tomorrow may be too late.
Divorce + Anger = Very Very Bad
There are many times when anger can be a very good thing.
Periodically, when you experience anger (especially if you are able to always maintain control) you may find it can lead to passion, commitment and determination.
Anger can also lead to stubborn, pig-headed and unreasonable as well.
Anger can be good and it can be bad but as a general rule of thumb, anger never mixes well with a divorce.
Divorce is a brutal business. It ranks right up there among the five most stressful things a person can experience in a lifetime. Regardless if you are the one that left, or the one that remains behind, you are undoubtedly very hurt and confused with lots of unanswered questions.
One of the keys to getting past messy divorce is learning how to deal with the anger. Emotions are raw enough during a divorce. If you allow yourself to become angry during a conversation with an ex, you can be assured that it will only be a matter of time before something is said that you will both regret.
Just because the ex maybe getting mad or upset at you, does not mean you should return the favor in kind.
If you are talking with your spouse on the telephone about a particularly difficult topic and you want to remain calm, imagine that your child is standing right next to you, watching and hearing everything you say and do. Would you like your child to have this image of you? Would you like them to remember you this way?
Divorce
Ending a marriage is not a simple process. Sometimes there can be a lot of heartache especially if there are children involved and if one party cannot except that the marriage is over.
In a divorce case the person asking the court for the divorce is called a “plaintiff” and, the other partner is called the “respondent”.
In order to divorce, the couple must have been married for at least a year and, one party must show that the marriage has broken down irretrievably using one of the following reasons. These reasons are called “grounds”.
* Separation of at least five years.
* Separation of at least two years with the consent of respondent to the divorce.
* The respondent’s adultery
* The respondent’s unreasonable behaviour
* The respondent’s desertion amounting to two years or more.
If there are no children, the divorce can be straight-forward where the respondent simply signs and walks away. This process should take under six months.
How does the process work?
Set below are guidelines of how the process of filing a divorce works. This is a factual guideline and should be used as just that. If you are thinking about going through the divorce procedure then it is strongly recommended that you seek professional legal advice from a qualified solicitor.
Divorce proceedings work by, firstly, the plaintiff filing the court with the marriage certificate and divorce petition.
The court then officially receipts the papers and sends the divorce petition and a notice of proceedings to the respondent.
The respondent signs and returns the consent form, and appropriate documents, then sends them back to the court.
The court then sends the plaintiff more documents including an affidavit which must be signed at a solicitors office or at the court. (An affidavit is a sworn statement detailing the evidence of an irretrievable breakdown which will be used in court as evidence.)
The case is then heard by the district judge, and if satisfied, he/she will set out a date for the decree nisi.
The plaintiff is able to ask the court to declare the decree absolute six weeks and a day after the issue of the decree nisi. This is done by filling in a form and sending it to the court.
The decree absolute is issued, and in the eyes of the law, the marriage is over.
When to Use a Divorce Lawyer and When to Avoid One
The topic of divorce is never pleasant and usually painful, but if you find yourself at the end of a marriage, it may be your only logical options. Individuals choose to enter divorce proceedings for a variety of reasons, but usually the more civil these proceedings the better. A divorce lawyer can be incredibly useful for representing you regarding divisions of assets and property and in the event of custody proceedings.
Not everyone needs to solicit the aid of a divorce lawyer, so carefully consider whether you should consider a lawyer in your specific situation. Since each case is different, there is no blanket statement regarding who should use a divorce lawyer and who can forgo the presence of one. You do not necessarily need the help of a divorce lawyer to successfully enter and complete divorce proceedings, but in many cases, their presence and expertise can help immensely through this difficult process.
Depending on your specific situation, you may not need the assistance of a divorce lawyer. That does not mean you should put any less importance or thought into the proceedings than an individual who chooses to hire a lawyer. Many individuals forego hiring a divorce lawyer because they can come up with an agreeable situation between themselves and a former spouse.
Even though your marriage may be ending, remember both parties are adults and should act as such. Individuals who are able to remain mature about the situation and have realistic wants and needs are more capable of handing proceedings without needing a lawyer.
If you choose not to solicit the assistance of a lawyer, carefully consider all potential issues that may arise between you and your former spouse. The two of you should arrange a meeting to discuss all issues before the date of the divorce proceedings so all terms and conditions are clearly determined.
Also, you may need to meet with a neutral third party mediator so that everyone remains focused at the task at hand. Couples who are able to calmly and deliberately discuss any necessary issues regarding the divorce are more apt to have problems later down the road. Most couples are able to discuss the terms of their divorce without needing to involve lawyers.
If you are concerned about your safety or afraid of your former spouse, it will probably be in your best interest to hire a lawyer and let that individual deal with him or her directly. You will still need to make any necessary decisions, but will not have to directly speak to your former spouse.
If there is any problem of abuse—physical, sexual, or verbal—in the relationship, a lawyer should be hired immediately. Furthermore, if you fear for the safety of any children or dependants in your home life, a lawyer be hired for their best interest as well. Furthermore, if your spouse is acting cruel or dishonest towards you or anyone else in the household, hiring a lawyer will help take the focus off you in this situation.
Another reason to hire a lawyer is if your spouse does so first. It is severely discouraged to enter into divorce proceedings against a lawyer if you have no experience in the field of law yourself. Hiring a lawyer will protect your best interests and ensure your wants and needs are taken care of in a court of law. This is especially true if children are involved, as custody cases are often complicated and should be handled by a professional.
If you find yourself wanting to hire a lawyer but financially unable to do so, speak with the legal aid office of your county courthouse. These offices coordinate clients with lawyers who will work at reduced fees or for no cost at all (pro bono). If you know a lawyer through family or friend connections, seek their help and guidance. Many legal acquaintances will be able to provide you with legal information for minimal or no charge.
However, if the lawyer in question shares a relationship with both you and your former spouse, it is strongly recommended you avoid bringing this person into any potential dispute. Making the decision whether or not to hire a lawyer to assist with your divorce proceedings is a critical decision that should be made using a clear head and deliberate thought.
Divorce in America – Why?
In American Society, people want only what is good for themselves, even if it’s not the best for someone else. Society has changed from the importance of family to the importance of me. Statistics on marriage and divorce show that Americans have gotten lazier and more self-absorbed. This may explain why the U.S. has the highest divorce rate and the highest rate of solo parenting in the Western world. People have the attitude, “If the marriage doesn’t work, I can get a divorce,” because it’s easier to fill out paperwork than to put in the time and effort to make the marriage work.
While there are many different reasons for divorce, a few are common: poor communication, financial issues, lack of commitment, infidelity and a change in priorities. With the exception of financial issues, the reasons point to the selfish attitude of one or more people in the relationship. Communication is only a problem when someone doesn’t want to listen. Commitment to the marriage requires work and compromise, words that are not found in the lazy, egotistical American dictionary. Sneaking out on a spouse to be fulfilled by someone else is not only dishonest, but selfish. People that cheat are looking for a quick fix to make themselves happier all while disregarding the feelings of their partner. Changing priorities is also a quick fix. People who give up on marriage feel that it can’t be changed for the better, so they concentrate on changing something else in their lives, like concentrating on work or a new hobby. Having something else to concentrate their energy on creates temporary happiness and a way to escape the troubles at home.
According to The State of Our Unions, 2005, marriages have declined 50% from 1970, because more people are choosing cohabitation, or living together without a legal commitment, over marriage. Marriage is being replaced by cohabitation because it requires less of a commitment. Cohabitating couples have twice the breakup rate of married couples because there is less reason to work on the relationship. With cohabitation people don’t have to worry about the legal repercussions of divorce and leaving is as easy as packing. Studies have proved that cohabitating before marriage increases the chances of divorce up to 85%, so even if live-in couples eventually marry, it is likely that they will divorce.
Parents don’t take the needs of their children into consideration over their own needs as often as they should. 40% of cohabitating couples bring children into the relationship, creating less stability for the children and teaching them that relationships don’t require commitment. Children from divorce are more likely to develop social problems and their grades are 20% lower than students living with both parents. The U.S. has the lowest number of children who grow up with both biological parents among Western nations, 63%.
Society should value family over the individual. The American attitude needs to be changed because commitment and responsibility are becoming second to personal needs. If people thought of “us” more then “me,” there would be more happy marriages. People need to accept that relationships take time and work, not only for themselves, but for the well-being of their children.
Divorce: How To Put Your Life Back Together When It’s Been Turned Upside Down
If you are divorced, do you feel upside down? Does anything look the way it used to?
Before your divorce, did you put on a happy face when you went out in public, even though your life was falling apart? Did you try to portray the perfect life: a happy family and the ideal marriage?
For many people going through a divorce, the reality of their home life was something quite different from what was portrayed to the world. Then, when they went out on their own and tried to make a clean start of it, the outside world judged them as having made a mess of their life.
Feeling good about yourself is difficult when everything as you know it has been turned upside down, and others are judging you negatively.
Getting your life back together after the divorce is very much like cleaning house. You have the rugs steam cleaned; the furniture moved in order to sweep and mop under it; and the laundry done. You wash the windows, paint the walls, and get rid of the worn-out or unnecessary collected litter. In the middle of the process, your house looks like a bomb went off. Now imagine that a friend stops by, sees the total disorder, and moans, ‘Oh no! You look like a national disaster!’ But that’s the way a house looks when you clean it deeply. You have to take it all apart to put it back together with integrity.
That is what happens when you get your life turned right side up. You are eliminating the lies, false presentations, and negative energy. You are taking care of what is worthwhile and getting rid of what doesn’t work anymore.
Find your support system.
Surround yourself with people who mirror to you who you are, what your strengths are, and who see the good in you. How we see ourselves is a reflection of the people we interact with in our daily lives.
Clean out the clutter.
Keep what is good for you or your children, but withdraw from the situations, places or things that pull you back into the old negative world. Do a massive cleaning of your home and work place and remove the clutter. Do the tasks, one at a time, you have been putting off doing.
Get rid of the drainers.
Wean yourself from those people in your life who leave you feeling tired, inadequate, or depressed. Make a conscious effort to cultivate people who contribute to your feeling hopeful and optimistic every time you are in their presence.
Set stronger limits to help you feel safe
Learn your personal balance points. It’s critical to your well-being to know you can get back in balance when you are spending inordinate amounts of time in one area and not enough in others. Honor that voice inside when it says, “Enough is enough.”
Develop proactive boundaries.
It is self-preserving to do those things that head off problems before they arise. For example, give yourself 10 minutes of quiet time after work, before you deal with supper and children.
Maintain your reactive boundaries.
Do not take the bait when someone provokes you to anger and argument. Stay calm and in control of yourself while you sort it out, thinking through the important points you want to make, and the requests you might have.
Setting your house in order and turning your life back around takes energy, courage, and support. But it will put a smile on your face. Only this smile will be different from the old one you used to have. This one will be real.
Divorce: The History Of It Needn’t Stay With You For Life
So you’ve just finalized your divorce and you’re looking forward to a life without your Ex.
You are however still carrying the scars that goes with a history of at best a sad relationship and at worst a traumatic one.
Most people believe that they just have to live with this history and move on. Yes, there are some that find themselves entering into therapy to try and understand what happened so that they will not repeat the past.
There are many who also “think” that it’s important to have this unfortunate history of events stored in memory believing that it will somehow help them avoid the same pitfalls in the future.
As a trained psychiatrist and psychotherapist for over 25 years it is my view that neither therapy nor holding onto this history will serve you any useful purpose.
I am so convinced of this that I left the paradigm of psychiatry and psychotherapy altogether 4 years ago. I just wasn’t working and I was looking for a more effective approach to really help individuals in their lives.
I developed a new modality called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) (MRP) that effectively helps one completely release negative emotions, beliefs and memories, from the mind and body where they are stored.
You see when a trauma is stored in the mind or body it becomes unconsciously held and this has the effect of not only limiting you emotionally it also acts to parasitically steal your vital life energy.
Another way of saying this is that it is killing you! In other words all the negative experiences that you’ve had in your life act to drain you of your vital life energy. This compromises you both emotionally and physically over time.
To see this for yourself just recall a negative memory even one that you’ve worked on in therapy and notice how you feel as you think about it. Probably not very good.
What’s more, if you read my article entitled “Family: The Psychic Effects Of Your Anger On Others” you will learn why it’s important to address such left over emotions.
So you see, even if you never see or think about your Ex ever again the “imprint” of the traumatic life history you had together goes on affecting you in a way that you never even considered. Of course that’s the most optimal scenario isn’t it?
In most cases the trauma remains fresh for years to come. The effects of course being that much more destructive.
MRP has been shown to help individuals quickly reclaim the vital life energy, self confidence, self esteem, and self worth, and peace of mind that comes with a rapid and effective release of all of that traumatic history.
If you’d like to know more about MRP or to arrange an introductory consultation kindly visit the web link below.
Divorce: Can It Be Avoided?
If two individuals are intent on trying one last time to make their relationship work then there is a way.
A relationship is just like a person. It stores within it the sum total of all the memories that make it up. After all when individuals talk about their relationship what do they talk about if it’s not what happened to them i.e. their history.
It is the same history that each partner uses against the other and against the relationship to justify why it is worth leaving.
Without such information one would be hard pressed to make a case for or against a relationship. This would present a clean slate from which to create something totally fresh, would it not?
Now I know that you’re probably thinking that this sounds a bit dubious at best. I would like to let you know that I have worked with individuals this way for over ten years with very promising results so please try to keep an open mind as you read on.
Now just a word of caution here first. Individuals who enter into a relationship always bring with them the history of their lives that preceded that relationship. This history includes other relationship experiences which are either helpful or not.
In order for a failing relationship to start afresh it also becomes necessary to address destructive relational patterns that already pre-existed in each individual.
Even if a divorce takes place it becomes imperative that the corresponding individuals address this history adequately so that they don’t carry it into the next relationship.
When this happens history tends to repeat itself and in the process consumes an individual’s life leaving them sad, untrusting and cynical.
So in order to redeem a current failing relationship three things are necessary:
1. Two individuals in integrity who are committed to trying again.
2. The effective release of the negative memories of the current relationship from the minds/bodies of each individual.
3. The effective release of any negative relational patterns that each individual brought into the relationship at its inception.
Part 1 must come from the individuals. Here love is the key to integrity and commitment. If its there great. If not it becomes exceedingly more difficult to make this work.
Parts 2 and 3 can be addressed quickly and easily with a new process called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) (MRP).
MRP helps individuals clear all traumatic memories that the couple hold within them.
It is just such memories that fuel negative feelings against the other and against the continuation of the relationship itself.
Such memories can be released in a way that helps restore the genuine love that the individuals had for each other initially.
What’s more it can facilitate the necessary emotional growth that such individuals needed before they even entered this relationship.
So what is being said here is that not only are they able to start afresh, they become more capable and mature individuals.
This makes the fresh experience more rewarding and the new relationship more resilient.
If you and your partner are going through a tough time and you feel inspired to experience what MRP can do for you kindly visit the web link below and consider arranging an introductory consultation
Divorce: Tired Of Repeating The Same Old Bad Habits?
Divorce usually happens because individuals exhibit relationship habits that are destructive to their partner, to the relationship and therefore to themselves.
Such habits include some of the following:
1. Being too needy.
2. Being too controlling.
3. Being too dependent.
4. Being too passive.
5. Being too aggressive.
6. Needing too much attention.
7. Being too afraid to make your own decisions.
8. Being unable to say no when it’s required.
9. Having extra marital affairs.
10. Attracting the wrong kind of partner.
11. Being attracted to the wrong kind of partner.
12. Trying to rescue your partner.
13. Needing validation from your partner.
14. Not being discerning about your choice in partner.
15. Using sex as a way of choosing your partner.
16. Being unable to be honest and open and so on.
If you’re one of those individuals who have experienced a series of failed relationships you’ll likely recognize some of these habits in your repertoire.
It’s interesting how they keep repeating themselves only to be discovered after the fact or not at all.
Where do they come from, why are they inside you and what can you do to get rid of them once and for all?
Well believe it or not they became conditioned or imprinted inside you as a result of your early life experience. They are stored deep in the mind/body as relational habits that most therapies are challenged to unearth.
The reason they continue to remain inside you is because they have come to form what you call your personality. Most therapists believe that personality characteristics are difficult if not impossible to change.
Well with that kind of belief where does that leave you other than stuck with what you’ve got?
Well there is a way to become permanently free of this conditioning.
The conditioning is anchored inside you by deep beliefs that you hold unconsciously. A new modality called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) (MRP) has the ability to quickly and easily release these beliefs so that you can then release the offending habit.
When this happens you are left feeling free, unstuck, more aware of all the decisions that you make and with the ability to be in charge of your behavioral choices in ways that you never thought possible before.
This means that you will essentially be growing into a capable and mature adult who is ready for a healthy relationship that will be resilient and fulfilling.
Choosing Love After Divorce
A frequent question I often ask divorced single clients is “At what point did you know that your marriage was over?” Almost without exception, they say, “I guess I knew it immediately.”
Unfortunately, many of us make choices that we live to regret. Would you like to know how to choose a love that lasts? For many people it is elusive.
Recently, I had a conversation with a gentleman in his late sixties. When I posed the above question to him about his former marriage, he said, “In retrospect, I don’t think either of us really wanted each other. I had been rejected by several girls and she had been disappointed in love a couple of times. We just sort of drifted together because we both thought it was time to get married, settle down, and have a family. I don’t think one realizes at that age the enormous pressure to fit in with your peers. Thirty-five years later, she left me. She told me she had never loved me.”
What comprises that special something that glues couples together for the long haul?
There are five major areas to understand before you can have a reasonable chance of creating a marriage that works:
Self awareness.
If you are living from your strengths, giving attention to your emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual needs, and staying connected to those who matter to you, you are standing on a solid base. It takes time to develop your own vision for your life, but if you are flowing with ideas of what you want and how you are going to achieve it, and you are not looking for someone else to fulfill those needs, you are a strong candidate for a happy marriage.
Requirements.
It is imperative that you become clear about the qualities you absolutely must have or cannot put up with in another. Most marriages fail because both people discovered too late that the other one had traits they could not live with. It is wise to take some time and make a list of the top ten non-negotiable requirements you have to have in a partner. Write them down and keep them in mind when you are meeting potential dates and mates.
Character assessment.
Integrity is the foundation for a relationship that lasts. Within two dates, you need to be able to tell if someone lies, cheats, steals, or has other character disorders. Be watchful for the red flags of those traits as well as someone with a volatile temperament. Uncontrollable anger is a large reason for marital breakups. A relationship with someone with a poor character will never work—until they seek and get help for their problems themselves. To think that someone is going to change because they are in love with you is to set yourself up to be terminally disappointed in life.
Attitude.
Having a similar attitude about life is helpful, as well as sharing the same energy level. But attitudes that are negative are almost impossible to work with. Pay attention if the person you are interested in wears a cloak of “poor me.” Does trouble follow them wherever they go? If so, do you want to invite that into your life? Other attitudes to be alert for are a “better than everyone else” arrogance, and a chip on the shoulder.
Equality.
This area can cover a wide range of values and interests. Major ones to look for are intellect, education, and religious background. You may not need your future partner to make as much money as you do or be as successful in their work, but it may be essential that you share an equal intellect so you can have conversations that will last a lifetime.
We are all challenged to find answers to the problems that arise from families and children going through divorce. And though critics often point the finger at it being too easy to get a divorce, perhaps it is not divorce itself that is the origin of difficulty for those involved. Perhaps the problem began with knowing how to choose from an informed place as well as from the heart.
How to Heal from a Painful Divorce
You probably thought your thought your life and your marriage were going along quite well. Yes, there were challenges and difficulties, but you really believed the good outweighed the bad. Through the ups and downs you hung in, hoping in time that your partner would see the light and decide to treat you with love and respect. You hoped in time that you would be able to live the dreams that you held precious in your heart of hearts.
Then came the ugly word DIVORCE. You were shocked! You cried. You pleaded. You begged for another chance, but the answer was still NO. Divorce papers were served. You were left picking up the pieces of a life you thought you shared.
So, now it’s time to go forward. You read magazine articles, you gather books, you talk to your family and friends, you find a therapist, you join a support group and you buy new clothes. Through it all you may feel empty and alone, sometimes worthless, sometimes angry, sometimes scared of the future.
You find yourself wondering, “What does it take to really heal?” As a psychotherapist, I deal with people every day who are going through emotional pain like yours. I’m writing these healing steps for you, because I want you to know that the choices you make in this healing process will literally determine the quality of your future life.
1. Give yourself permission to grieve. Going through divorce is like grieving the death of your relationship, your dreams and your future together. Let yourself really feel the emotional pain and move through it naturally by journaling about your feelings and crying the tears that need to be cried.
2. Hold on to your intention to heal, forgive, and move forward. Divorce can be very painful for a time, but having the intention to forgive and move forward helps you to learn what you need to learn and start over in a new way, instead of being angry and bitter for the rest of your life! Remember that your divorce could be the best thing that ever happened to you if you choose to use it as an opportunity for emotional healing and personal growth.
3. Create a healthy support system of true friends who support your personal growth through this experience. Who you choose as friends at this time could easily make the difference between staying stuck in the anger and pain for the rest of your life or moving forward to create a whole new life for yourself! If you want a positive future, choose friends who help you grow!
If You Think Divorce is the Only Option, Read on
Going through the Pain Barrier
Nobody likes pain but its there for a purpose. I am a long time supporter of The Leprosy Mission and one of the things that I’ve discovered about leprosy is that its not normally the disease that results in a persons fingers or toes falling off, it’s the fact that the disease of leprosy stops a person being able to feel pain and so they will unconsciously burn themselves badly and not feel it. The nerve endings have been damaged and so they cannot feel pain at all and the results, more often than not, are the hideous deformities that we now associate with a leper. A leper would love to feel pain because they know that pain is given to us to warn our bodies that something is wrong that needs put right, if possible. Pain is not always a bad thing.
I run marathons. Do you think I feel pain when I run a marathon? You bet I do! A marathon is one of the supreme tests of endurance that average people can undertake. During the run your body uses up all its stores of carbohydrates and other necessary body fuels and then begins to feed off itself – it turns cannibal, if you like. This is painful. As well as that, it is not uncommon to pull a muscle, develop a blister, get a stitch, hurt your joints or any other number of painful ailments. Your body is telling you to stop, this is damaging to it! In this context, pain is your body’s natural way to tell you that you are overdoing it – and of course you are. However, all of us can ‘overdo it’ for a lot longer than we think is possible initially. We can learn to acknowledge the pain and, whilst taking steps to minimise it, we can still run on and on. Mind over matter if you like.
One of the great acts of heroism I ever witnessed was during an Olympic marathon when the Tanzanian representative fell during the race badly injuring himself. He got up and struggled on in obvious pain whilst all the other runners disappeared up the road in front of him. It was demoralising for him but he refused to give up. He struggled on and entered the stadium with only a few people still left in the stands to cheer him home. He finished the race with blood pouring from his leg wound just as they were taking down the finishing line and a television reporter asked why he hadn’t just given up after falling so badly. His response was brilliant. He replied, “My country did not send me here to start a race. They sent me to finish a race!” Too many of us start the race but are not so committed to finishing.
I am firmly convinced that if a couple acknowledge to each other that there will be times of pain then they will be better able to cope with it for a period when it happens. In the western world, we have been brought up with this strange belief that we should never suffer and so, when we inevitably do hit times of suffering, we have not prepared ourselves to handle it properly. I have a friend who lectures on philosophy in universities in many third world countries. He says that one question he is never asked in third world countries is, “Why does God allow suffering?” The reason for this is that suffering is just such a normal part of their lives that they cannot imagine that anyone doesn’t suffer. In fact it’s the suffering that makes them into the people they are. Can you accept that suffering makes you a better person?
Here are five things we can do when we feel pain in our relationship:-
1. We need to acknowledge that there is pain and try to isolate what is causing it.
As we have said already in regard to the lepers, pain has a purpose. It tells us that something is not right. When we feel pain in our relationship we need to stop and analyse why we are feeling that particular pain. When I was an accountant and had a bit more money at my disposal, one of the things I would do when I felt some pain in my marriage was to throw a bit of money at it. We’d take a holiday, go for a nice meal, buy some new clothes, get our hair done up (well at least my wife would do this). Now, if you’ve got the resources, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with any of these things but we need to be aware that by distracting our minds for a little while from the cause of the pain it doesn’t make the pain go away long term. It only puts a plaster over a wound that needs treatment. However, all we were doing by throwing money at our problems was delaying the inevitable and sooner or later we would have a big argument.
It’s a bit like developing a toothache. Sure, you can dull the pain by putting some painkilling drug on your gum but if the cause of the pain is not dealt with, we know that it will flare up again, and next time even more painfully. Indeed if we kept on ignoring the pain then it might result in a tooth being removed. What started out as a simple toothache resulted in surgery. Not good.
In marriage there are a number of ways of figuring out what is causing the pain. Most of them common sense. You could try just talking to each other. Now there’s a novel suggestion! You could try doing the simple exercises in chapter 2 of this book and then discussing the results. You could talk to a professional counsellor who is trained to get to the bottom of painful issues. Whatever you decide to do it is crucial that you do something and do not ignore your pain. Once again the keyword is action.
2. The second thing we can try when pain rears its probing head is something that might seem very obvious but it is worth stating again just in case you miss it. Make sure that the pain you feel is associated with your marriage and not something else, like your job or even your children. So often we can be under pressure at our work and then come home and take it out on our partner. This is called displacing the pain. One of the things that I had to learn to do was to actually say to my wife, when I came home after a particularly hard day at work, that I was feeling stressed and tired. At first it felt like a confession of weakness and it wasn’t easy for me to admit that sometimes I wasn’t coping as well as I’d like to pretend. When I admitted as much to my wife, almost every time she was able to understand and take a bit more of the household pressure for a short time.
On other occasions the pressure was in the other direction and after a hard day of dealing with young children my wife would sometimes take out her frustrations on me. If I failed to recognise that this was happening the result could easily be a full-blown argument over pain that had been displaced. It is very important to be able to admit to feeling under pressure and to ask for some help from your spouse. If you don’t, the pain you feel elsewhere will automatically come out in your marriage.
3. The third thing to fix in your mind and believe is that pain is not a signal that your marriage is over.
When I’m running a marathon I need to keep reminding myself that pain is a totally natural for this event and expected part of the race. I do not give up at the first twinge or even at quite severe pain. I battle through it. Of course, I have to put up with some pain if I want to finish the race. One thing that drives me nuts these days is when I read a report in a newspaper of the latest celebratory couple who have split up citing ‘irreconcilable differences’ as the cause. What they are really saying is that they encountered a wee bit pain and so just gave up! Usually they live such a pampered lifestyle that any sort of pain is just not acceptable and so they walk away (to repeat the exercise with someone else). Do not succumb to this modern malaise. If you never learn how to put up with a bit of pain, every relationship you enter into will head down the same path. If you don’t believe me, just check out the marriages in Hollywood. Don’t become a quitter. Pain is not the end – it’s a sign that something needs to be done. In fact, it can be a beginning if you let it.
4. Stop focusing on the pain.
Whatever you focus on will begin to define who you are. If all you can see are the bad things in your marriage it won’t be long until your marriage accurately reflects your focus. In a marathon, if I keep thinking about how painful it is, there is a big temptation to give up. So what I do is to try and focus on more pleasant things such as the scenery, the joy of running, the anticipation of finishing, other runners (especially those who dress up in stupid outfits), anything to divert my attention from the pain for a little while. It’s amazing how often the pain is actually more mental than physical. I believe that the same thing can be achieved in marriage. Instead of focusing on the toothpaste lid or the toilet seat (to quote just two clichés) why not focus on your partner’s great sense of humour or their willingness to always switch off the lights or any of a hundred other endearing qualities? It’s amazing how trivial the irritations become when you remove them from the centre of your focus.
Try this simple exercise. Take a very small coin and hold it arms length between your finger and thumb. Does it block out much of the view behind it? No, obviously it doesn’t. Now bring the coin up closer and closer to your eye and close the other eye. What happens? It blocks your view almost completely, doesn’t it? It’s only a small coin but it can completely obliterate your view if you let it. Often the same thing happens in marriage. You can forget all the tremendous blessings you have together and focus on the one tiny fault until it takes over and dominates your thinking. Don’t allow it to do so. Now, what you’ve just read might sound like a contradiction to point 1 but its not. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting here that you bury your head in the sand regarding pain in your marriage but what I am saying is to make sure that the thing you think is causing you pain is actually as bad as you are making out. Have you just become so used to whining about something that it has come to dominate your thinking unnecessarily? Don’t let a small pain obliterate your view of a great marriage.
5. Share the Pain
Can I just remind you of something? You are married. It’s okay to share the hard things with your spouse. Remember the vows that you took? “For better and for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.” Perhaps you’ve always felt that you had to be strong and support your spouse and so when you feel pain what do you do? Pretend it’s not sore? Tell him/her that you can cope? Why don’t you just admit that you’re finding something tough and ask for their support? It might be the very thing that draws you together. Share , share, share.
As I draw to the end of this chapter I want to leave you with an amusing story.
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there’s couple who have been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. “That poor old couple.” As the old man began eating his French fries, a young man stood up and walked to the old couples’ table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just
fine. They were used to sharing everything and, anyway, their appetites were not what they used to be.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn’t eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked one last time if he could buy them one more meal.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?” She answered, ………… “The teeth!”
Aaaagghhh! Yes I know it’s disgusting, but its probably not a true story and anyway it does illustrate the principle of sharing in a way that you will not forget. Will you?
Back to pain. As I said in the opening sentence, nobody enjoys pain. However, if you can just acknowledge what it is trying to tell you, but not allow it to knock you off track, then your marriage will survive and grow.
Effects Of Divorce; What Should You Consider When You’re Thinking About Divorce?
More often than not people decide to get a divorce before they really think about the effects of divorce. People usually decide to get a divorce based on emotion rather than logic which can hinder their long term happiness.
Still, there are those that make their decision about getting a divorce by taking into account the effects that divorce can have on everyone involved. Some effects of divorce can be positive depending on your situation even though ‘divorce’ is usually seen in a negative light. The effects of divorce are far too many to list here so let’s concentrate on effects of divorce that seem most apparent and that address making a decision about divorce.
Obviously one of the most common effects of divorce is how the divorce will change the money flow for the people involved in the divorce. A change in cash flow affects the freedom we have and it can change the lifestyle we have. A change in housing, work, travel, shopping, etc., make people stop and think about how deeply “money” will have on their life after divorce. While a “change in money flow” is a consideration and a true hard effect of divorce, there’s other effects that might carry greater weight in the decision making process.
An effect of divorce that some people need to consider is the change that children will need to go through if a divorce occurs. Children can be strong during this time, but it is up to the parents to make sure the transition is as painless as possible. Some people actually stay in unhappy marriages solely because of the fact that there are children involved. The change children go through as an effect of divorce is complex…if you are curious as to how to ensure this transition is as painless as possible for your children, educate yourself and possibly seek professional advice.
‘”Fear”, as an effect of divorce?’
Yes, fear is a real live effect that divorce can have on some people. Fear of loss…fear of the unknown…fear of lack of self confidence…fear of change…fear of a depreciation in emotional health…etc. The list goes on and on. Combating fear is a difficult thing to do but in conquering fear you will be one step further to your goal of emotional health.
Not all seemingly negative things or events in life are truly 100% negative. If you’ve been divorced, are currently going through a divorce, or are deciding about getting a divorce, you have a rare opportunity to use the experience to grow emotionally and increase your inner-strength.
The effects of divorce and how you label them (positively or negatively) will be determined by how you act while going through the divorce and what your focus is after the divorce is over.
You should want to look back and identify the positive effects of divorce as they pertain to your own situation.
Having “positive self reflection” when the dust settles is a goal that, if attained, will make you feel good about yourself. When you’re looking back on the experience of divorce or the decision process of divorce, you want to be able to answer the following question positively. “Did I grow emotionally and personally during this tumultuous time?” The effects of divorce are far reaching…look inward and plan accordingly.
Top Ten Reasons to Use Parenting Plan Mediation in Divorce
1. The best predictor of the well being of children involved in a divorce is the amount of conflict between parents. In mediation, conflicts are more likely to be resolved, resulting in a more peaceful post-divorce family life.
2. Mediation helps parents create truly thoughtful and child-focused parenting plans that are tailor-made to suit their children’s changing emotional, developmental and temperamental needs as well as the family’s schedule.
3. By thinking through and discussing the parenting plan, possible problems can be identified and resolved before the final judgment is entered by the court.
4. Mediation creates opportunities for parents to work together and build on their strengths as they redefine the parental unit within the family. Parents who can model good conflict resolution skills for their children raise children with better conflict resolution skills.
5. A detailed parenting plan sends a message between the parents and others, including the children, new partners, school and court personnel that parenting is an important priority for both parents, even if one parent assumes more hands-on time with the children.
6. A detailed and thorough parenting plan pre-empts back and forth, ‘He Said/She Said,’ arguments if differing views of the co-parenting history emerge.
7. Agreements, including modifications, create a record, or ‘paper trail,’ of what was mutually agreed to when one or both parties were thinking more clearly about the issues involved in successful and co-operative co-parenting.
8. A detailed parenting plan sets forth a method to resolve differences without going to court in case you need to modify the parenting plan when things change, or if new partners, or reluctant children, want to unilaterally change the plan.
9. When co-parents deviate from the parenting plan and then fall into disagreement, a detailed parenting plan provides a useful backup plan until they return to mediation.
10. Mediation provides both parents with the opportunity to explore co-parenting issues with an objective third-party neutral who is a professional trained in children’s developmental needs and is knowledgeable about the research on children’s adjustment to separation and divorce.
Divorce Lawyers – What to Look for in a Divorce Attorney
Choosing the right divorce attorney should consist of more than picking the first listing in the telephone book. The person chosen to represent your divorce has the assignment of settling intricate cases that involve assets, property, custody, etc. If you have a lot to lose, reasonableness is necessary when picking a divorce attorney. Here are a few tips to help you make the right choice when selecting an attorney for your divorce proceedings.
Seasoned Divorce Attorneys vs. Inexperienced Attorneys
Attorneys are pricey. For this matter, many people try and avoid any type of litigation. When money is an issue, individuals may hire lawyers that charge less for their services. On the other hand, some individuals with a sizeable income may prefer expensive or renowned lawyers.
The assumption is that high-priced or veteran lawyers can do a better job representing your case. This claim is unsupported. When choosing a divorce attorney, take into consideration a lawyer’s track record. For example, an experienced or costly lawyer may have few wins in court, whereas a somewhat new divorce attorney may have several lines of attack that assure a victory in court.
The best way to gauge an attorney’s winning record is to ask. The initial consultation presents an opportunity. Pertinent questions to ask include: how long have you been practicing law? Do you have courtroom experience? What percentage of divorce proceeding have you successfully settled? Above all, divorce attorneys must have knowledge and understanding of family law, and be familiar with current state laws.
Choose a Divorce Lawyer that is Trustworthy and Likeable
Friends and family are usually eager to recommend a divorce attorney. This is helpful when looking for a trustworthy attorney. A divorce attorney’s reputation should be a prime concern. Some attorneys have a reputation of being indifferent or unresponsive to the needs of their client. Furthermore, there are attorneys with horrible customer service. Divorce proceedings are a lengthy process. Thus, clients should anticipate frequent communication with their attorney. If attorney and client cannot see eye-to-eye, the process will seem exceptionally long and grueling. To obtain reliable recommendations, ask your attorney to supply character references from previous clients.
Protecting Your Assets In Divorce
Wisconsin law provides some financial protection for spouses who are in the process of divorcing. The law prohibits divorcing parties from doing the following:
Harassing, intimidating, physically abusing, or imposing any restraint on the personal liberty of the other party or any child of either party;
Encumbering, concealing, damaging, destroying, transferring, or otherwise disposing of property owned by either party without a court order or consent of the other party;
Removing a minor child of the parties from the state for more than 90 days, changing the residence of a minor child of the parties to another state or to a location more than 150 miles away from the other party, and concealing a minor child of the parties from the other party,.
The prohibitions apply to the petitioner (the person who files for divorce) as soon as the action is filed, and to the respondent as soon as he or she is served with the summons and petition. The petition must inform the respondent that the prohibitions are in effect.
The law creates some exceptions to the general prohibition against disposing of property. A spouse who operates a business may continue to make decisions to encumber or dispose of property “in the usual course of business.” Any spouse may expend funds to “secure necessities” — i.e., pay for living expenses — and to pay attorney’s fees. A spouse who disposes of funds during the pendency of a divorce action should be able to account for his or her use of the funds, to prove that they were expended for an approved purpose.
Karen Goebel, a University of Wisconsin-Extension family financial specialist, encourages divorcing parties to take the initiative to protect their assets during the pendency period, rather than relying on the statute. “Divorce proceedings often extend over a significant period of time,” she points out. “If one spouse is irresponsible or vindictive, there may be a much smaller pool of assets for the court to divide at the end of the action than there was at the beginning.”
The property subject to the presumption of an equal division at divorce includes a much larger pool of property than the property (“marital property”) that is shared by the couple during marriage. While property acquired by a spouse prior to the marriage is classified as “individual property” and is not shared by the other spouse during the marriage, this property is divisible at divorce. Only gifted or inherited property, or property specifically awarded to a spouse pursuant to a valid marital property agreement, is exempt from the presumption of equal division at divorce.
Allocation of debt can create unforeseen pitfalls for divorcing couples. Because creditors are not parties to the divorce action, they are not bound by the couple’s allocation of responsibility for debt or even by a court order dividing debts between the parties. If a debt was incurred by both spouses, the creditor can attach the property awarded to one spouse by the divorce court even though the judgment provides that the other spouse is responsible for the debt.
For all of these reasons, it is important for a divorcing spouse to know his or her legal rights and to consult early in the proceeding with an attorney who specializes in the area. An early, properly drafted temporary order can preserve assets and eliminate the creation of new debt.
This articles provides general information only and is not intended as a substitute for legal advice. Nor does this article imply any attorney client relationship. This article is for informative purposes only and may not apply in your state, please consult an attorney in your area.
Divorce Hurts Everyone, So Do the Couple’s Wishes Come First?
When a married couple breaks up, it is not just their own future that has changed. It is not even “just” their children’s future that has been irrevocably altered. Both sets of parents, if living, can be wounded. The brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews are hurt. The future grandchildren’s lives will unroll down different paths than what was expected. In fact, the reality is that the grandparents will probably not even see them for years at a time.
The shock of the divorce to the couple’s friends can be emotionally intense, with a social network now creaking on one hinge, like a broken gate. Even plans for retirement activities together are now crushed. It’s highly likely that one or both partners in the divorce were in such pain themselves that they gave little thought to what the impact would be on everyone around them. They probably gave no thought at all to the fact that friends would now be caught in the middle of a no-win situation.
It is hoped that the couple did consider younger children. Too many times, it becomes obvious that even that did not happen. However, the parents should have agreed ahead of time not to use the innocent as weapons in their ongoing war with each other.
That said, when the divorce is initiated by one spouse to escape the abuse that has been inflicted on him or her by the other, it does not matter what other people think!! While inflicting more pain was not planned, it does not matter whose feelings are hurt, or how many lectures are delivered by so-called counselors. No one should have to endure a relationship that is tearing them apart, or destroying who they are. Even so, circumstances sometimes leave no choice for the foreseeable future.
Those who marry and divorce multiple times do so for a multitude of complex reasons, few of which really have much to do with love. Instead, they remarry due to money problems, loneliness, or lust, the same reasons our greatgrandparents got married again, after the death of a spouse. Likewise, those who stay in a first bad marriage for decades do so for emotional and practical considerations. Eventually, someone burns out. For some, getting divorced or separating is an abrupt decision, triggered by one last straw.
None of us know when we might find ourselves in that very situation.
Deal With Divorce By Dealing With Anger
There is one very simple way to deal with your anger while going through a nasty divorce.
Divorce is a messy business. There is approximately a fifty percent chance you are divorced if you are over forty and reading this article.
Theories abound as it relates to the various stages one goes through while in the midst of a divorce. Some divorces can be easy and amicable, while others make War Of The Roses look like a Sunday school meeting on a warm summer day in August.
Having survived the first year of a separation / divorce, I can look back and see certain “moments” when I realized there was a fundamental change in the way I thought about a particular subject.
About five or six months into my rather messy divorce, I was having a particularly brutal conversation with my stubborn ex-wife. When I got off the phone I was feeling very upset and angry. Many unanswered questions swirled around in my head. How could she leave with the children? Why am I being treated like a deadbeat dad? How could this be so unfair?
Feelings of deep-rooted frustration constricted my chest. I recall looking at myself in the mirror and coming to the realization I had to get rid of the anger that was eating me up inside. The anger was killing me. If it didn’t kill me right away, anger would have put me in an early grave.
How did I learn to deal with the anger?
I learned to accept the fact that I was getting the short end of the stick.
There have been specific situations I have dealt with during the past year that have been completely unjust and unfair. The moment I learned to accept the mauling I was experiencing was the precise moment my life changed the most.
This philosophy is plain and simple to say, yet multi-faceted and complex to implement.
When you go through a divorce, both parties end up loosing. Unfortunately, the children often end up loosing the most. When you are faced with obstacles and barriers that seem so unfair during the course of a divorce, remember one thing – they probably are unfair. Chances are you are not being treated fairly.
We always do not get what we want in life. How we deal with the little surprises life has to offer us is the real measure of our character. During a divorce, some things will seem very unfair. Anger can be very useful but this emotion is best served left over during the main course of a divorce.
Yeah an ex might have screwed you but the important thing is to move on and forget about it. Recently I have spoken with a number of people with personal experience in divorce and separation. Most people have suggested to me, the parent with the most anger during a divorce ultimately ends up loosing. Children will be drawn to a happy parent rather then a parent filled with hate and anger.
If you have kids and are currently in the middle of a divorce, you would be well served to remember one small thing – don’t focus your energy on anger towards a ex, focus your energy on love towards your children. You will be much better off in the long run.
Surviving Your Divorce
An amicable divorce – what is that? We can remain friends even though our relationship didn’t work out. Yeah, right!
When you are getting a divorce, it may seem impossible to envision a future where you will become friends with your ex-spouse. So many issues which led to your separation and dissolution of marriage are still too fresh. The problems which separated you remain on the table, complete with all the things you fought over and the feelings that go along with all that unresolved anger.
It might not seem possible for you to imagine that at the end of your relationship, there might be something salvageable, let alone a full blown friendship. If there are children involved, that only complicates an already strained connection. Yet, depending on where you are in the divorce process, you can advocate for yourself while maintaining an open door for future friendship. Sound impossible?
Some simple ground rules to see you through.
Keeping the following ground rules in mind when dealing with the situation will either make this possible or impossible. Allowing you to work towards a friendship when it is comfortable for the both of you, rest assured, if handled correctly that time will come to pass.
Maintain your dignity at all times
No matter what is going on you must always maintain a sense of dignity and respect for your partner and yourself during your negotiations. Work through your lawyer whenever possible. They are your impartial conduit to keep things civil and professional. If you do find yourself dealing directly with your spouse, work to keep emotion out of your interactions. That may sound extraordinarily hard when you’re in the thick of things, but for a smooth transition and future relationship, it is imperative to stay as cool and collected as possible. It may also mean leaving the negotiations for a later time.
Know when to leave the room.
You have to know when to leave and geographically remove yourself from a situation spiraling out of control. It is very easy to get caught up in finger pointing and accusations. If you find yourself losing your cool or becoming emotional, stop, take a deep breath and say just that – you need to end the conversation. Some parts of a divorce will always be too painful and difficult for you to solve face-to-face. Avoid the pitfall of playing superhero. Recognize that you and your spouse are extremely vulnerable during this period. A good lawyer or mediator can help greatly in these circumstances.
Be willing to compromise where possible.
Take it point-by-point. Remember, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. A marriage is like an elephant and its dissolution can only be successfully accomplished one point at a time. However you feel the assets should be divided, it is important to understand that for each of you, some things are more important than others. If it’s not important to you, don’t sweat the small stuff.
You can’t keep everything
For example, it may be important to you that any heirloom items passed down from your family remain with you, and it may be equally important to your spouse to keep his or her retirement benefits for intact. Your lawyer will be able help you evaluate the financial implications of decisions and choices in as fair and impartial way as possible. If you fight over everything, nothing will be accomplished and you will both lose. Bitter feelings will remain, and any chance for future camaraderie will be unworkable.
Understanding what is most important to your spouse and being willing to compromise or concede to those things may make your spouse more than willing to do the same for you.
Realize that your lives will now be separate
Any new interests your spouse has with other people or things are no longer part of your life, unless you are invited in. This works both ways. This is where mutual respect comes into play. What this means is that you and your spouse will be moving on, spending time with new people and eventually dating.
Avoid being judgmental
A sure-fire way to kill off the possibility of a friendship is for you to be judgmental of the new people in your spouse’s life. Becoming overly friendly or involved with these new people can also have the same effect. Your lives are separate and you must get on with rebuilding a life detached from your spouse’s world, just like the two of you built a life together. Know your place, and let your ex-spouse know if your own boundaries are being overstepped.
Know when to say nothing.
One of the most important things to remember is to know when to keep your mouth shut. We were taught that if you don’t have something nice to say about somebody, don’t say anything. This adage is never so important as during and after a divorce. School yourself from speaking negatively about your ex-spouse especially around your common friends. This can be difficult, as there seems to be a natural curiosity from friends to delve into the reasons for your separation.
How-To Avoid Prying Questions
They may ask prying questions and look for blame. It easy to fall into the trap of it was your ex-spouses fault. Reach for a general response which casts no blame and ends the conversation so that you can move on to what’s really happening in your life now. Phrases like, “we just grew apart” or “the divorce was a positive step for both of us” can sometimes help to keep the questions at bay.
Present yourself as confident and happy
Remember you do not have to answer a question just because it is asked, especially if it is personal. Your reasons for your divorce are your own business, and it is your choice as to how much you wish to share.
Keeping your spouse as a friend may seem impossible now, but by following the suggestions above you will have created the possibility of amicability in the years to come.
8 Steps to a Smooth Divorce
1. Become educated on all aspects of Divorce. Reading the various websites available on divorce is an excellent start. Read every document available. Complicated subjects always deserve a second reading. Then, read your State Statutes on divorce. You will find they are written in almost-plain English and are understandable to the average person. State Statutes can be found by entering your state and the word statutes in most search engines. Look for anything that sounds like “marriage” or “domestic relations.”
2. Buy books on Divorce. Generic divorce books are a good start and will give you a good overview. But they will not completely do the job. Every state has different laws and requirements for divorce. So you need to look for a divorce book that specializes on your state divorce laws. Check local bookstores or online bookstores. But be aware: laws change and books become quickly outdated. That will not present a problem as long as you use the book for general education.
3. Take the “high road” during your divorce. Behave perfectly, beginning now. Cooperate with your spouse on arrangements for children. Do not waste, destroy, or hide assets. Take on the appearance of a “saint.” You will be happier, more relaxed, and less destructive to your family and assets. Most important of all, the spouse that takes the “high road” always does better in a divorce trial. Judges like to see you take the “high road.”
4. Use your newly gained knowledge and plan two possible outcomes: your best possible outcome and your worst possible outcome. Be realistic and put it in writing.
5. Use your knowledge of your spouse. Try to imagine what is going through your spouses mind. Make an educated guess and write down what sort of outcomes your spouse might pick. Come up with a best and worst outcome that you imagine your spouse would come up with.
6. With four possible outcomes on paper, you now have an overview of the battlefield. Using that information, see if you can work out a combination of give and take that approximates “best” outcomes for both spouses. It doesn’t need to be perfect but you should try your best. When done, you have a powerful plan that will help you in negotiations.
7. Be involved in your divorce. Actively negotiate with a goal of peaceful settlement. Don’t use destructive techniques. They only look bad for you at trial time. And never be afraid to ask your attorney questions. This is your divorce and you have to live with the result. The well-informed person will always come out ahead.
8. Last, become an expert on every word printed on legal papers and pleadings. Ask your attorney, look up definitions in books, or ask other experienced people. Don’t assume anything. This is your life – not your attorney’s life. Treat this situation like it is the most important event of your life. Again, the well-informed person will always come out ahead.
Divorce is a Legitimate Choice
For many men and women in a wide variety of situations divorce is a legitimate and appropriate choice.
Getting divorced is a process and consists of 3 main elements:
· Emotional
· Financial
· Legal
Healing from divorce is not easy. It is often a long and excruciating process and always brings out strong emotions. The divorce process frequently leaves people feeling lonely, flawed, enraged, undesirable, helpless, empty and emotionally raw and overwhelmed.
If you or someone you know is going through a divorce, the best recommendation I have is to put together a team of knowledgeable, experienced professionals who will work on your behalf for the best possible outcome for you!
Lawyers, mediators, therapists, coaches, accountants, clergy and financial planners all have valuable points of view to consider. If you have children, stay in close communication with your children’s teachers and the parents of their friends.
An important part of the repair process is learning to honor and heal the many emotions of divorce. Please remember that all these emotions are a normal and natural response to divorce:
· Anger at yourself and your ex-partner;
· Shame and guilt that haunts you and keeps you stuck and unable to think about many of the alternatives and possibilities;
· Sadness and despair over the loss of the relationship;
· Anxiety over the disruption of the family; and
· Loss of a lifetime of hopes, dreams, expectations.
While there is no argument from me that divorce can be painful and awful in many ways, you still have choices when it comes to your response(s) to getting divorced. I urge you to become willing to choose…
· Self-discovery;
· Deepening your self-awareness;
· Renewing self-respect;
· Learning to make new choices; and
· Working on forgiveness.
Take the first step on the road back from the awfulness of your divorce and toward repairing and restoring an injured part of self, forwarding cooperation and good will with those with whom you have been in conflict, reducing any on-going harmful impact on yourself and your children, exploring the values that drive your decisions and creating useful, healthy ways to meet your needs. You can say goodbye to pain and confusion and begin designing a life that is rich and meaningful today.
Remember, only YOU can make it happen!
You Were Served Divorce Papers? A 3 Day Action Plan
Today
• Don’t panic – best decisions are made with a cool, calm head
• Sit down, relax, and read the divorce papers several times.
• Don’t call your spouse in anger – no contact is best for now.
• Read up on divorce – knowledge always helps take the fear away.
• When you finish the above steps, take a short break and then read all of the divorce papers again until you thoroughly understand what is ahead.
• If you have children, do not draw them into the conflict. This is best for your children and will put you in the best position to win custody.
• You have 20 days from the date you received the summons to send an answer.
• If possible, take tomorrow off and devote some thought to the situation.
Tomorrow
• You must decide if you will represent yourself or hire an divorce attorney.
• If you want an attorney, start calling and find one that you like.
• If you are a do-it-yourself person, continue to read about divorce for 7 more days. You have almost two weeks to act and you must become well informed.
• Review the location and amount of all your assets. If possible, remove money from the bank and put it in a place of security. Do not deprive your spouse of necessary funds to live on. That could backfire on you.
• Review your credit cards and any other sources of credit. If possible, cancel cards that are joint accounts or remove your spouse’s name from the card.
• Speed is your best tool – be thorough and act today.
• Go into conservation mode and build a rainy day fund. You may soon need it.
• Begin to collect all records of assets, amounts owed, property, deeds, and family business records. If you are in the marital home, keep the records in a more secure place, like with a trusted friend.
• Call the IRS to find out how to request copies of the last 5 years of tax returns – if you don’t already have them.
Next Day
• Continue your education. This is one of the biggest and most important projects of your life. Read books and attend seminars. Become an expert.
• Make a financial plan or a household budget for the next 12 months. Don’t spend unnecessary money.
• Get a notebook and a holder for paperwork. Set up a central collection point for all the information you gather during your divorce. Keep a detailed diary and jot down anything you learn from your educational efforts.
Child Custody in a Divorce – What is Best for the Children?
In most states, a court’s decision about child custody during a divorce used to be simple to make. The judge would give custody to the mom. The dad got alternating weekend visitation. Now, custody decisions are drastically more complex. Many states have adopted a standard called “best interests of the child.” Judges are required to weigh a list of factors to determine which parent is the proper custodian of the children. The level of complexity in custody decisions has drastically risen and decisions are no longer clear-cut.
Florida is one state that places an emphasis on the protection of children involved in a divorce. The best interests of the child are the guiding principles in Florida. Domestic relations law of the state outline a list of factors a judge must consider in every custody decision: 1. the child’s school and home history; 2. the permanence of the child’s proposed home; 3. the continuity of the child’s situation; 4. the parent’s ability to provide the necessities of life; 5. love, affection, and existing ties with either parent; 6. any history of domestic violence; and 7. the parent most likely to promote the child’s continued contact and relationship with the other parent.
There are two factors that appear to be most important: 6. the history of domestic violence and 7. the parent most likely to promote the child’s continued contact and relationship with the other parent. The importance of considering domestic violence is obvious. If a child is awarded to a violent parent, the safety of that child might be compromised. But most people are not aware of and do not understand why factor #7 is so important: the parent most likely to promote the child’s continued contact and relationship with the other parent. And because there is so little awareness of this factor, it presents both a great opportunity and great danger for parents seeking custody of their child. The “best interests of the child” standard was developed by lawyers, judges, child psychologists, and social workers. It represents a balancing of interests and is designed to benefit the child. The states that have adopted this standard believe a child should have a continuing bond with both parents, even after a divorce. And that mutual bond is best promoted by a parent that promotes visitation with the non-custodial parent.
The parent that appears to promote the child’s contact with the other parent will get a strong preference in a custody decision. The parent that refuses visitation with the other parent will hurt themselves in a custody decision. Cooperation with visitation can take many forms. A suggested pattern of conduct includes: avoiding discussions of adult – divorce issues with the children, making reasonable arrangements for weekly visitation, openness about sharing holidays with the children, and participating in joint decision making about major children’s issues.
If you are contemplating divorce, you should educate yourself about how courts and judges make decisions. By educating yourself, you can make sure a judge will look favorably at your behavior. A divorce does not have to be a guessing game. The educated spouse will always get a more favorable outcome.
Bad Marriage, Good Divorce?
Even though divorce rates in the U.S. have been steady the last few years, there are still a lot of couples getting divorced every year. Approximately one out of two married couples will end up in divorce court. And yet, marriage is still the ideal for most men and women. A recent survey of twenty-somethings indicated that 94% of these young men and women wanted to get married someday.
Most people go into a marriage with good intentions. They expect the marriage to last a lifetime, even though the odds for that are pretty grim. It’s becoming increasingly common for people to have two or three marriages in their lifetimes. This means, of course, that they will have had two or three divorces as well. So, the question for today is: can there be such a thing as a good divorce after a bad marriage?
There was an interesting study on unhappy married couples. These were couples considering divorce, but decided to stick it out for a while. The study found that within three years, most of the unhappy couples were now happy. They were glad they were still married and no longer wanted divorces. The conclusion was that unhappiness in marriage is fairly common, but it is temporary. The bad times don’t last.
There was another surprising discovery in the study. The researchers found that the couples who did divorce were no happier than the unhappy married couples. In other words, divorce solved nothing. And when the divorced couples did remarry, they were no happier-and, therefore, no better off-than were the couples who had stayed married. The lesson from all this seems to be: marital unhappiness doesn’t last and is not a reason to get divorced. In the long run, couples have their ups and downs, but the downs seem to be temporary. The marriage can be permanent and happy.
Still, there are marriages where conditions are bad and the differences irreconcilable. Abuse, abandonment, substance abuse, and infidelity are all situations where severe damage has been done to the relationship. All marriages cannot be made loving and happy again. Sometimes, divorce is justified. Sometimes, one or both partners ARE better off after the divorce.
So how do you turn a bad marriage into a good divorce?
First, acknowledge that you may still love your partner, but that your life will be better if you live your own life away from your partner. However, you can’t live your own life if you are focused on ruining his. To have a good divorce, separate physically and emotionally. Get over it and move on. The time and effort you spend on revenge or hatred is time wasted out of your own life.
Next, you may be getting a divorce but your children aren’t. They still have two parents. Forcing your children to take sides is using your children for your own selfish ego. Let your children grow up with two parents. Again, the time you spend trying to be the right parent, the good parent, is time better spent working on this new chapter in your life.
The relationship you have with your future ex during the divorce can make all the difference to the ease of the entire process. Accept responsibility for your part in the break-up and don’t throw insults and accusations back in your ex’s face. Your ex is not necessarily a bad person. He’s just not right for you. And, to keep your perspective ember, you’re not right for him.
During the divorce process and afterward when you’re single again, avoid going to family functions or social gatherings together. You are a single person once again. You have no social obligations to your ex. Socializing as a couple will only confuse the kids, give false hope to the families and muddle your own feelings. No convenience sex (ex sex).
You are truly your own person now. Make the most of it. Don’t waste your new life looking backward. Look forward with gratitude at the opportunities that await you as you begin this new chapter in your life.
Children Surviving Divorce-With Faith, Commitment and Support
It is a late Sunday evening, two weeks before Xmas. It hasn’t really
been a bad day. Yet it hasn’t been a particularly happy day either. Xmas
can be a difficult time of the year because it is supposed to be a time
of happiness and for giving but it can be a time to remember personal loss.
It is a time when memories of family events come to mind… of children
going to bed on Xmas Eve, being so excited with the sure knowledge that
when they wake next morning Santa Claus will have visited and left wonderfully
wrapped gifts. The happiness of being woken early to watch the frenzied
opening of gifts… Ah, the wonderful memories!
Yet, Xmas hasn’t been so happy for the last two years. The saddest thing
of all was that my 18-year-old son refused to accept a single gift from
his mother, nor has he given any thought towards giving a gift. There hasn’t
even been a birthday card sent. In fact, he hasn’t spoken to her for over
two years. All he would say when questioned was that he wished “that she
was dead”. After two and a half years since his mother left home I expected
yet another Xmas of underlying heartache and sadness.
But, this Xmas I am confident there will be a change. My son will be
exchanging gifts with his mother.
As a young man he has been incredibly disturbed by the loss of his mother
at a vital stage in his life, at the transition between the end of his
childhood and adulthood. In general, little has changed in his attitude
towards her from what he is prepared to say, but there is now a glimmer
of hope… of reconciliation.
His Grandmother seems to be partly responsible for this coming together.
Sadly, only a few years away from her 100th birthday, she has found it
impossible to continue looking after her house and keep herself properly
fed. This has brought about a common interest. It has been his choice.
And all I had to say to him was ” After all the doubt and pain that
you have been through… you know now that you are more than strong enough
to cope with any difficulty”
It has taken a long time for the situation to change from the icy frozen
waste of a mother estranged from her now adult son… but there is a sense
of thawing and a crack is visible that, hopefully, will grow. Friendship
may develop between them and trust return between mother and son, given
patience and time… A twinkling star in the blackness of night?
Fanciful, perhaps!
I know I couldn’t wish for a better Xmas gift… “I have faith in my
son”
By showing continued faith in your children and giving them the total
support they need as they make their make their own family separation decisions,
they will be rewarded by your continued commitment. And, you never know…
with time your whole family will grow with strength and gain peace of mind…
A new balance will return.
Overcome Divorce Depression- Avoid Downward Thinking
Today, while driving to work, I listened to a radio discussion. I didn’t
hear the start and don’t know exactly what the subject was about. It seemed
to be centered around how top stars and sportsmen and sportswomen focussed
upon just before making a public performance. What took my interest was
the description of how each star felt incredibly nervous just before going
on stage.
Apparently, it was stated, Carly Simon used to get to feel so sick that
she couldn’t go on stage. Whereas, I believe it was Bruce Springstein who
stated that unless he felt incredibly sick and nervous he knew that he
couldn’t go on stage and perform at his best.
Next, a sports coach and psychologist described a condition he called
“downward thinking”.
“What the heck does he mean?” I thought. Fortunately he described exactly
what he meant by the term by referring to an example of his favorite sport,
Golf. Here, he said, if a top golfer doesn’t sink the ball at an easy put
it could completely wreck the most successful player’s tournament.
I guess it’s a little like boiling an egg for breakfast. You perhaps
prefer the yoke of your egg runny and the white firm. You like the contrast
in texture and a soft yoke will allow you dip thin slices of buttered bread
(called bread soldiers) into it. You know that it should be boiled for
4 minutes to get perfection. But, today your egg has a hard yoke and you
don’t like them like that… it’s a bad start to the day. And it was just
like it the day before, and the day before that. Instead of accepting that
you could boil your egg for a slightly shorter time or you could find another
strategy that helps you get it just right… you decide that you can’t
boil an egg at all. In fact, you accept from that small event that you
can’t cook… you are a complete and utter failure and a waste of time
in the kitchen.
Just one bad thought after a minor failure or loss of luck resulted
in a sequence of negative thoughts. If you couldn’t quickly write off that
small piece of bad luck your whole day is wrecked… you are useless.
And the golfer? Beginning with the single slight failure of a little
white ball falling into a hole dug into the ground at a point on a grassy
golf course that is conveniently marked by a flag pole… it doesn’t sound
life threatening when you think about it, does it? But, from this minor
failure event, the thoughts of failure can rapidly increase. And, instead
of expecting that the ball will be easily putted at the next hole, doubt
and tension builds to the point that all chances of success vanish. Very
quickly a top class player feels useless.
Every member of the discussion group agreed that they too recognized
occasions when they had been affected by similar doubts that sometimes
scared them and made them question their fitness to live.
I realized that everyone does this many times a day, normally without
recognizing it or letting the “downward thoughts” get in the way of having
a successful day.
It resembled an instant form of depression, where one bad thought leads
to another and rapidly moves on downwards to a point where you feel you
just can’t go on.
No doubt you’ve seen it where your favorite football player, basketball
wizard, record breaking swimmer or athlete has a really bad day. How can
it be? They are brilliant… they are incredible! And yet they still have
the most awful games. You probably recall stars of the past that
suddenly disappeared from the scene… with a total loss of confidence.
There are huge numbers of ex-stars and sports personalities whose careers
have ended in utter failure, never to recover their former glory.
Of course, there are those who recover and make a magnificent comeback
after a break from the pressure to accomplish even greater levels of success.
Deep inside they know that that hard work and practice has provided all
the physical skills they need to take advantage of their talent. And, in
their minds they cope by recognizing a small failure is nothing more than
that… just a slight mishap… a minor human error.
A flash of inspired brilliance often wins the game but rarely does a
single mistake lose the fight.
So what if the last shot was a bad shot… it was nothing more than
that. The next shot will be a winner.
Somehow, after divorce you have to find inner resources that recognize
and defend against the consequences of all the bad thoughts that go through
your head… there are so many bad thoughts. It isn’t easy when your ex-partner
seems to emphasize your failings. So, try to remember that the bad thoughts
rumbling around in your mind are still nothing more than “downward thoughts”
and that they can have no real consequence to your life.
You are every bit as valuable as you have ever been… and that your
family and friends still value you and want you. You haven’t changed and
still have every talent that you have ever had… and you know that there
are hidden skills that you haven’t realized yet.
Remember that you are you… You are quality… You wouldn’t let one
bad thought, statement or action ruin the rest of your life, would you?
Why wreck your life?
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