Are You Angry? Taking A Break May Help
I suspect most folks do not like to argue. I know, some people are really good at it, and some people seem to enjoy conflict. But the vast majority of us would rather not fight with the ones we love.
I am the type of person who wants to stick with a fight/argument/disagreement (pick your favorite term) until it is settled. I think if I keep after it, my logic and desires will surely prevail.
So I was very interested to learn about some research on arguing from The Gottman Institute in Seattle. In case you don’t know the Institute, or its founder John Gottman, it is a research center focused on couples and the ways they interact. The Gottman Institute has an apartment set up with microphones and cameras, where couples stay for the weekend. While they are there, their actions and interactions are recorded, then studied.
When people argue, they get anxious or upset, and their heart rate increases. The Gottman researchers found that if your heart rate is over 100 beats per minute, you cannot think flexibly, negotiate, or solve problems very well. So they suggest that couples take a break from each other and the issue – say 15 minutes or so – and come back together at a designated time to resolve the issue. This break allows your heart rate to go down and makes resolving problems easier. Couples that practice this “time out” technique have more successful resolutions.
So… folks like me who want to stick with the disagreement until it is worked out are actually being counter-productive. We need to step away, take a walk, water the plants, do the dishes, whatever works. Then, at an agreed time, come back together to work on the problem.
Anger is an emotional state caused by a real or perceived grievance (a cause of distress). You can be angry at other people, events, and even yourself. Physical conditions such as hunger, fatigue, pain, hormonal imbalances, and even sexual frustration can cause levels of anger to become elevated. Some even feel that genetic predisposition can cause some people to be more angry than others. Getting angry not only affects you emotionally, but physically as well. Your blood pressure increases, you have an increased level of adrenaline in your bloodstream and your heart beats faster. These are all natural responses to threats. It goes back to the basic fight or flight response that is programmed into each of us.
So, can we control our anger? The answer to that question is an overwhelming yes. With some basic techniques you can learn to manage your own anger levels. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t get angry at all. Many injustices and our own values give us valid reasons to become angry. What it does mean, though, is that you can control what angers you and how you respond.
The first step in taking command of your anger is to change your thinking. Believe it or not, changing some of your beliefs and expectations can decrease your anger immensely. When you expect people, including yourself, to behave a certain way and a different behavior surfaces, this can cause a great amount of anger. Perfectionist thinking causes a tremendous amount of anger as well. So, instead of expecting people to be flawless, give them a break, and give yourself one, too. If you don’t anticipate a perfect situation you won’t be angry when it doesn’t pan out.
Another way to help dissolve anger is to stop thinking in terms of always and never. Nothing is black or white; all or nothing. Everything is somewhere in between. If you get into the habit of thinking this way, you are less likely to become angry over any given situation. Of course, some situations are bound to cause anger, especially if you feel that something is unjust. But it is up to you how angry you get over any situation. You can be incensed or your can become enraged, but it is in your control.
A final way to prevent anger is don’t jump to conclusions. This can be one of the biggest causes of anger. Learn to talk out a situation instead of assuming you know the answer. No one is a mind reader. If you ask for clarification in a given situation you may be surprised to find out you misread the other person and their intentions. This can diffuse anger very quickly.
Remember, how you feel about any given situation is up to you and you alone. It stems back to your beliefs, values and expectations. Alter those and you can alter your anger levels.
I suspect most folks do not like to argue. I know, some people are really good at it, and some people seem to enjoy conflict. But the vast majority of us would rather not fight with the ones we love.
I am the type of person who wants to stick with a fight/argument/disagreement (pick your favorite term) until it is settled. I think if I keep after it, my logic and desires will surely prevail.
So I was very interested to learn about some research on arguing from The Gottman Institute in Seattle. In case you don’t know the Institute, or its founder John Gottman, it is a research center focused on couples and the ways they interact. The Gottman Institute has an apartment set up with microphones and cameras, where couples stay for the weekend. While they are there, their actions and interactions are recorded, then studied.
When people argue, they get anxious or upset, and their heart rate increases. The Gottman researchers found that if your heart rate is over 100 beats per minute, you cannot think flexibly, negotiate, or solve problems very well. So they suggest that couples take a break from each other and the issue – say 15 minutes or so – and come back together at a designated time to resolve the issue. This break allows your heart rate to go down and makes resolving problems easier. Couples that practice this “time out” technique have more successful resolutions.
So… folks like me who want to stick with the disagreement until it is worked out are actually being counter-productive. We need to step away, take a walk, water the plants, do the dishes, whatever works. Then, at an agreed time, come back together to work on the problem.
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Anger – Changing Your Thinking
So, can we control our anger? The answer to that question is an overwhelming yes. With some basic techniques you can learn to manage your own anger levels. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t get angry at all. Many injustices and our own values give us valid reasons to become angry. What it does mean, though, is that you can control what angers you and how you respond.
The first step in taking command of your anger is to change your thinking. Believe it or not, changing some of your beliefs and expectations can decrease your anger immensely. When you expect people, including yourself, to behave a certain way and a different behavior surfaces, this can cause a great amount of anger. Perfectionist thinking causes a tremendous amount of anger as well. So, instead of expecting people to be flawless, give them a break, and give yourself one, too. If you don’t anticipate a perfect situation you won’t be angry when it doesn’t pan out.
Another way to help dissolve anger is to stop thinking in terms of always and never. Nothing is black or white; all or nothing. Everything is somewhere in between. If you get into the habit of thinking this way, you are less likely to become angry over any given situation. Of course, some situations are bound to cause anger, especially if you feel that something is unjust. But it is up to you how angry you get over any situation. You can be incensed or your can become enraged, but it is in your control.
A final way to prevent anger is don’t jump to conclusions. This can be one of the biggest causes of anger. Learn to talk out a situation instead of assuming you know the answer. No one is a mind reader. If you ask for clarification in a given situation you may be surprised to find out you misread the other person and their intentions. This can diffuse anger very quickly.
Remember, how you feel about any given situation is up to you and you alone. It stems back to your beliefs, values and expectations. Alter those and you can alter your anger levels.
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The Secret to Letting Go of Anger
Anger comes from a sense, usually unconscious, of being small and lacking. This sense makes us cling to lower self qualities. Having lists of specific Higher and Lower Self qualities (like Patience, Kindness, Empathy, Compassion, Encouraging, Courage, and Gentleness vs. fearfulness, complaining, doubting, negative judging, shaming, and blaming) makes it easier to identify and shift our mood and state more effectively than just having a general idea like, “I want to be a higher state.”
I shared these with a client who was being challenged in their life by someone whom they perceived as blocking them from having something very important to them. It was going to be very important for the client to be at her best when they met.
The client wanted to be in a good state – no argument there, but when, I suggested that beyond picking Higher Self qualities to connect with, she would be more powerful if she envisioned and prayed for the other person to be in Higher Self qualities as well. This was initially resisted – until she saw how silly it was to try to be in Higher Self qualities while holding onto a bad opinion of the other person based on fear, blame and resentment – Lower Self qualities.
Important Tip – change your vision of self and other, not just self!
Her willingness was then established to pray for her adversary as well as for herself. However, when I asked her to wholeheartedly envision herself manifesting the qualities of her choice, she felt imposed upon – the word ‘wholeheartedly’ triggered a sense of impossible performance standard.
I quickly realized I often met this response to this word and also to the words ‘persistent’ and ‘constant.’ Spiritual instructions often use these words: pray constantly, make wholehearted effort, be persistent in your remembrance of God. I remember when I would get discouraged hearing such instructions, taking them as admonitions to uphold an impossible standard that I know I was incapable of.
Then one of my teachers explained that to be wholehearted, constant, or persistent meant to make a concerted focused effort for even just 5 minutes daily and relax and let go. The key was doing it daily for at least 5 minutes, and if you could do it in the same place and at the same time, so much the better. But then relax and let it go. If your affirmation or object of contemplation returns to your mind during the day, fine, but you don’t have to try to hold on to it every minute. She felt much better when I explained this.
So here is your invitation: Pick a short affirmation like, “I am healthy and happy,” or “I succeed with grace and ease,” or whatever works for you – refer to the Higher Self list of qualities and pick one you wish to be planted and growing within you.
Four more tips: Make your statement short and positive. Don’t be concerned about it being “true.” Just repeat it for 5 minutes, not 15 seconds, daily for one month – for 5 minutes and then let to go. But daily! Enjoy the results.
Have an exuberant day, every day! (Hey, that could be your affirmation!)
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The Hideous Poison of Anger
When asked what gets in the way of communication most often, anger comes up. Moreover, the anger is often related to a perception of a situation that may not even be accurate. That is why anger can be a poison that sucks you in.
Judgment and ridicule can set in. Your breathing starts to change and becomes shallow and significantly faster. This pattern lowers the oxygen level in the brain, which increases the irritability, impulsivity and leads to confusion and behaviours such as threatening, yelling or hitting.
Your brain then starts searching for other reasons to be angry to justify how it feels.
By looking for reasons that can make other people bad or wrong, the mind believes it offsets or even justifies its own actions, thinking and beliefs.
It then sets up vibrations of energy that attracts more of the same and other people of the same nature. Your brain can then literately filter out anything contrary to the raging thoughts that it now feels.
All communication has stopped at this point. The other person is now defensive and on guard against the onslaught of verbal and possibly physical attacks from the other person. They no longer see this person as rational. They give no credibility to anything the other person is saying. In most instances, they are in protection mode and not even paying attention to anything the angry person is saying.
If they get angry them self, it increases the rage and adds more fuel to the fire. They now look for past behaviours that can explain the actions of the angry person. If they remember any previous angry behaviour, it is easy to conclude that the other person always gets angry.
It is important for both parties to take a time out and reflect on what the original issue was and what they wanted to relay. Try to look at, just what are the important issues and what isn’t important. Having give and take in the communication can go far is resolving issues. They could also reflect on how and why the anger built up. What about this issue brought up the anger. How does this relate to any past issue. What are the feelings that I have around this.
In most cases, anger is a secondary emotion. It can mask fear, whether it is a fear of loss or needing control of a situation. Being clear on why you reacted and can go along way in resolving the intense feelings and help you to focus on the issue at hand. Then the communication can proceed towards understanding and resolution.
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The Volcano Called Anger
It simmers for months, years, maybe decades. The simmering continues until it reaches the boiling stage as it churns over and over. Then one day, perhaps without warning, it erupts and spews its deadly contents over everything on its path, pouring out devastation to the innocent below with its searing rage until it reaches its ending. And so it is in the life of a volcano.
Sadly, this same scenario presents itself in the lives of many on this earth. Someone says or does something that upsets or hurts you. Their perception may not see it the same way as you do, but because the issue isn’t aired and discussed, it remains buried within you. This angry or hurtful thought continues to fester, simmering until it reaches the boiling stage, and it erupts in some form as it spews its contents over all that is in its path, destroying much along the way.
Did you know that every time you recount a story which upset you on some level, you activate the pain into a deeper and stronger level? By the time you’ve told the story or thought the thought three times, you’ve increased your anger and stress and made the entire situation at least ten times stronger than the original episode!
Did you know that depression is simply anger turned inward? When a person doesn’t like something about their life or themselves, they become angry at themselves. But people don’t generally direct their anger at themselves. Instead they almost automatically turn the anger into blame directed at someone else so that they feel better. Problem is, the anger is still there, hiding within them. This anger will continue to fester until one day it erupts into illness, impulsive decisions, explosive behavior, depression, inability to move forward in their life, addictions, or a host of other negative and undesired expressions.
Something of great importance to understand is that each person on this planet has their own model of the world. What that simply means is they see things according to their truth, and it may look different than yours. Ask ten people to relate the same story and I can guarantee each story will be a little (or maybe a lot!) different. Ask the same ten people to share a dream of theirs and they will all be different.
The same thing is true in any relationship. Each person sees things according to their reference point – their beliefs, past experiences, ideas, thoughts. This is one of the wonderful parts of being a human being – we are all unique, one-of-a-kind. So it only makes sense that we might have different insights and perceptions!
Two friends who had been such close friends all through their college years had a difference of opinion. As a result they quit speaking to each other and went about their lives separately. Twenty three years went by and they never communicated with each other even though before they had been inseparable friends. One day they met unexpectedly. They began talking and catching up on their lives. They actually started to laugh and wondered how they could have let something so silly get in the way of their friendship so that they didn’t speak for 23 years. They had missed so much during those years that they could never get back.
Anger is a form of fear. You see, there are only two emotions in this world – love or fear. Anything of a negative origin stems from fear while all positive expressions come from love. People are usually taught from a base of fear – can’t have it all, you’re not perfect, you have limits, there are things you can’t have, there is never enough, people will hurt you, and so on. So individuals grow into adulthood believing life is hard and unfair, and live through those eyes. Living in this space keeps you small.
On the other hand, seeing life as exciting, an adventure, that you can do anything you want to do, that there are no limitations unless you believe that, and that love rules, creates an entirely different scenario. And one of the most important aspects of this life is forgiveness. When your eyes focus on loving expressions, you can understand that people have issues, that even if something seems directed at you it is really their stuff. You can choose not to take it on yourself but at the same time allow them to be where they need to be and still love them. Forgiveness does not mean, “What you did is okay to me.” It simply means, “I am no longer willing to carry around the pain in response to your actions.” You can still love someone even if you disagree. In fact, real unconditional love allows each of you to feel and believe what you want without changing the love. This is powerful and an incredible place in which to live!
Life is so very short, even if you live to be 100. People who live in fear are miserable even if they don’t admit it. Harboring anger, guilt, shame, hurt, or letting pride grab you, really only affects you. And someday, somewhere, when you may least expect it, it will erupt and spew its contents, destroying all in its path. Is this what you want for your life?
Take a minute right now and think about a person(s) with whom you’ve had an issue. Perhaps you haven’t spoken in years just as those two college friends didn’t. Isn’t it time for you to take the first step of releasing the hurt (victim mindset) and forgiving that person? Don’t let pride get in the way of repairing whatever you perceive is a grievance. Think about the happiness, peacefulness, and above all the love it can bring to you because you’d be letting go of the fear (negative) and allowing in the love (positive). The cost of hanging on to old wounds is way too high – the price of broken relationships can never be measured. Instead, choose to live in freedom and love.
My wake-up call was illness. Through the process of healing I learned that I had to forgive – first myself and then others. Once I forgave everyone my body and heart healed. In hindsight I realized how none of my perceived hurts mattered at all. Now that I live through the eyes of love, I can accept each person as a wonderful human being who is just as special as I am. I wish this for you, for it is the only way to live your life that makes sense and creates for you what you truly want and deserve to have – a life that is happy, invigorating, abundant, and full of love!
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Anger Managements for Teens
As the kid comes to understand the world of being a teenager, there are many confusions and chaos, which can sometimes bring some impact to their growth. As kids make the transition, many elements can make their body and mind out of control. This may turn to anger if not guided well. Parents and teachers must educate the kids of the different transitional changes that will happen to their body.
Teens can react indifferently if they are confused. Young teens from twelve to sixteen years of age are more prone to doing things their own way because they feel that their emotions and freedom are being controlled, this results to unmanaged anger.
Teens of today’s world are more prone to pressures compared to the teens of the past. They are more exposed to violence and hostility. Other teens may come from a broken home where domestic abuse are constantly present. By the time they are starting to grow, they are exposed to things like these problems, so they tend to get out of out of control. They might have angers that can be expressed in the most antisocial form. That is why sometimes, they are required to undergo anger management.
Teens may experience frustrations that drive them to do criminal acts. The best way to revive a teen from this world is to seek help from their parents, teachers and law enforcers. They can train the teen on how to respond rationally to all these stress. They can teach the teens how to identify negative feelings and practice more mature behaviors as well.
Anger management programs can also be of great help to these suffering teens. This special program teaches them to improve their behaviors in ways that are more acceptable. The will be taught on how to think positive especially if they are from families who do not show them positive responses to stressors. From this, they can now learn how to handle difficult feelings.
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Anger Management: Self-treatment
If you feel that you are angry, try to be calm. Go out of the room and take time to calm yourself. Think about how you can rationally act to the situation. If you feel good, you can enter the room again and give the best approach to the problem.
Anger is an emotional expression to disliked things. It is normal for a person to feel angry. It only becomes a concern if it turns out to be over-expressed. Too much anger can lead to some sufferings.
Anger does not make us happy. It is impossible to a person to feel happy and angry at the same time. It can be a major cause of a broken family or destroy relationships. Anger in severe cases can be a cause of stress. It is hard to think if you are angry, so you often lands on a wrong decision.
You can manage anger by yourself. Anger maybe difficult to battle up but with determination and patience, you can beat anger. Anger management is easy you can use some techniques to get away successfully with it before loosing your temper.
Ask yourself what are the things that makes you angry. Ask yourself if what the other people will feel if they feel the same way that you do. This will make you realize if you are over reacting to some situations.
If you feel that you are angry, try to be calm. Go out of the room and take time to suite yourself. Think about how you can rationally act to the situation. If you feel good, you can enter the room again and give the best approach to the problem.
These are effective anger management techniques. Do not let your anger get ahead of you, and ruin your life. Use these anger management techniques to help you cope up with your anger. Do not let your anger get the best of you.